Shopping for Clothes Doesn't Have to Be Depressing (especially for curvy girls)

A true fact: 
I have a black, knee-length, tube skirt that my college room mate gave me from her closet. In college I was a size 8-10-12 (depending, you know) but it had an elastic waist. It fit me perfectly and I loved it. I still have it. I am now a 16-18-XXL in yoga pants but the skirt still fits me and I still wear it. Why? Because the elastic gave way but my girth holds it up. Sad, but true.

Another true fact: 
There are so many perks to losing all this baby fat but in the meantime it just sorta sucks to dress my body. It is probably true that no matter your size there is something you dislike about your body (even if you look fabulous) and clothes shopping can be hard for most, if not all, women. I have a barrel of a mid-section and other XL sized things. Let's just say it was a lot easier to buy clothes and then look and feel cute when I was a 10.

Which leads us to this:
A woman I know with a similar build to mine mentioned she owned a couple of dresses from something called LuLaRoe. I did not know what she was talking about but I really loved her dress *and* I loved that it fit her curvy body.

So then:

When my friend Megan told me she was selling LuLaRoe clothing I reached out to her to see if she'd want to partner with me and my blog because shopping for clothes is depressing but not when you *know* that the clothes will fit and look good. I had seen Megan look great in the clothes, but I had also seen the items on my curvy friend, the models of all shapes and sizes on the website, and other friends and acquaintances. I felt really confident that, unlike the weekly offers for sponsored posts I turn down, this one would benefit my readers (especially those built like me!) and stay true to what I'm trying to do in this space. 

Megan + me

So with no further ado, here's my shopping experience:
I made plans to get together with Megan. She explained her inventory, sizing, and showed me where I could change. And then I went for it. Everything I tried on I photographed. There were Nopes:

 and Maybes:

The one on the Left could actually be titled "Regret" because I wish I would have bought it. It looks like a cool 1950's kitchen counter, doesn't it? I might have to go back and get it. I love it. 

In the end I left with four pieces I absolutely love. You'll have to excuse my 8 year old photographer, but I thought some "here I am, in real life, really wearing these clothes" pictures would be appreciated.

This is the Irma tunic (totally covers my butt!) and some LuLaRoe leggings. The Irma is a size XL.

Here I am trying it on during my shopping trip. Please note I am wearing the aforementioned black tube skirt.

Another shot of the super comfy, super pretty leggings. These are the "Tall and Curvy" size.

The Randy shirt. I love this one - it is so totally my style. This is an XXL.

The Carly dress. This is a L and I love the way it fits me. 

If you've never shopped with LuLaRoe before here's what you should know:
The patterns are crazy. Like some of them are cray-cray, pretty much ugly. And some of them are absolutely beautiful. And what I think is ugly you will think is beautiful and so on, but the catch is the company buys the fabric, cuts it into a variety of items and sizes and then that's it. The inventory is always changing.

You can't order online - you have to find a consultant. You can get a feel for what LuLaRoe might have, and you can definitely see the pieces in the collection (like the Carly dress, for example) but you will never know what your consultant will have until you get to her online or in-person sale.

Many of these clothes will easily transition with a woman before, during, and after pregnancy. There are so many creative ways people wear these clothes. I commented to Megan about a couple of items that weren't very nursing friendly and she then explained ways people style the clothes so they are compatible with breastfeeding. I was impressed.

At least for me, shopping the inventory racks was a lot of fun. Megan had a good selection of size L, XL, XXL in all her shirts, skirts, leggings, and dresses. She was honest with me in her feedback, just as quick to tell me what didn't look good as to tell me what did. I was able to try on a lot of items, trying out patterns for the fun of it, and getting the chance to figure out sizing on my body.

The leggings are worth the hype. Really. They are so, so, so soft - it was an experience putting them on for the first time. (ha! ... but true!) Can you buy cheaper leggings? Yes. Yes, you can. Will the quality and comfort be as good? Not that I have found. Put them on your Christmas wish list. Buy some for your daughter / niece / best friend. They are amazing.

I said this before but it bears repeating: These clothes are styled in a way that I can wear them and feel pretty while I parent my kids and live life but none of my cracks show! Or as my high school dean said at the all school assembly the first day of the year, "No boobs, no butts, no bellies."


So, my honest opinion: the buzz that surrounds LuLaRoe is legit. If you can make it to a Pop-Up Sale, do it! And better yet, if you want to get a new piece, my friend Megan is offering 15% off your entire purchase when you order from her. She's got brand new inventory on her FB page right now. Head on over and claim your item on her Google Form. When you do be sure to use the coupon code aknottedlife15 to get your 15% off. Also, because the inventory is always changing Megan wants to be sure you can get something you really love so the coupon code is good through October 31st.

Megan's LuLaRoe Facebook Page
Megan's LuLaRoe Instagram

Happy Shopping!

My weight is personal but so is my blog

Is weight and the effort to lose it too personal of a matter to talk about it online? I definitely don't think so. Do we need to change how we talk about and view health and beauty? Yes, yes we do.

In Yes, I'm Overweight, and I Don't Care, blogger Michelle Arnold shares her story with weight, from watching her parents' relationships with their own bodies and health to horrible comments directed at her because of her own weight. At the end of the post she makes a couple of statements:

Do not talk about weight on the Internet. Do not talk about your weight, or anyone else’s. If you have decided to lose weight, either for health reasons or because you are unsatisfied with how you look, that’s great. More power to you. I wish you all the best.

But there is absolutely no reason the Internet needs to know about your mission.

and

Because when you call yourself “fat,” you are not just hurting yourself. You have the potential to hurt others who struggle with weight, and whose stories as to why they are overweight you may never know. When you do that and you also deny the reality of fat shaming, you provide a handy link for all the thin fat shamers out there who are compiling evidence for “interventions” with overweight friends and family. “See! This person is [or was] fat too, and she says that being fat shouldn’t be glamorized!”

Weight is an extremely personal issue. Let’s keep it that way, shall we?

Here's the thing: being fat shouldn't be glamorized. Neither should being thin. Michelle and I are in total agreement there. What is important - so, so important - is being healthy. Health is what should be celebrated. And one person's healthy body will look very different from another's.

I believe that I have a moral obligation to be healthy because our bodies are important. My body is a Temple of the Holy Spirit. All of me - soul and body - has been redeemed by Christ and all of me - soul and body - will be in Heaven for eternity. I am responsible for taking care of my body.

I also know that I have not been doing the best of jobs with that. Further, I know that for me to be super trim and toned I would never get to eat or drink food I enjoy and I would have to work out a ridiculous amount of time. Since I like food and I hate exercise, manipulating my body into that kind of shape would be horrible, a punishment almost. There is a balance, a happy medium we can call it, and I call that being Healthy.

Now I have a whole sub-category in my sidebar called "being fat" and I use that term because I'd much rather think of myself as "fat" than "obese." Hopefully when I've written about my struggles with my weight I've never hurt anyone else. Michelle is right though, there is the potential that when someone who looks like me sees me and then hears me calling myself "fat" they may feel like I just called them fat. I may even be unintentionally striking at a wound they have. I hope everyone knows that when I'm talking about myself I am only talking about myself, and I sincerely hope I haven't hurt anyone.

But since a healthy body can look very different from one person to the next does that mean we shouldn't talk about it online? Should we not share our weight loss failings and victories on our blogs and social media accounts because it's too personal and may hurt or be used as ammo against someone else?

No. No way.

Weight loss journeys are no more personal than the many things we bloggers talk about: politics, religion, sex, death, addictions, child loss, family planning... If I were to not write about topics that may hurt or offend I would having pretty much nothing to write about. Writing about my kids could be a wound for the child-less; writing about my marriage could hurt the single, divorced, or widowed; writing about the beauty of Christ in the Eucharist could hurt someone who is outside the Church.

Plus, I have always found inspiration from those who are willing to be vulnerable and share their weight loss journeys. My friend M.H. blogged her weight loss and I still think of her (even though I only know her through the internet) when I am trying to do better. Right now The Crescat is sharing the same journey on her blog and I've found her honesty to be both inspiring and encouraging - even when she's struggling.

Healthy can look like a lot of things. I actually like my body with a bit more "softness" and feel much more feminine that way than if I were super trim and toned. But I also like when I can comfortably sit, bend over, walk up stairs, play with my kids, go for hikes, buy clothes not in the Plus / Women's section of stores. Finding that balance is hard and it's one I plan to continue to discuss on my blog because it helps me and hopefully it will help others. I hope you all will stick around for it and I hope that as I have success you will celebrate with me and that when I fail you will not tell me to try Paleo but will continue to cheer me on.


If you want to read older posts on weight here's some of the highlights:
Removing the shame so it will all taste better

A letter to myself as a new mom

PSA: Never ask a woman when she's due

Real Beauty: hard to watch

Running to Lose: a guest post on weight loss

7QT - these are never quick

1 -Happy Valentine's Day!


2 - I'm going to start by introducing you to Chris, a man with whom I attended high school. Then, we both ended up studying English lit and writing at the same small liberal arts college. Chris has moved from a very non denom / evangelical background to Anglicanism and often writes about American culture, music, and faith at his blog Post Consumer Reports. Also, he made himself into a meme.

Okay, is that super funny to me just because I know him or is it just super funny?

Anyways, Chris just wrote a couple of posts about True Love Waits and the whole abstinence until marriage culture that exists in evangelical circles and was widely discussed on the internet a few months back. Perhaps what I appreciate most is that he didn't jump in on all the yelling back then but has thought about it a lot, gathered insights from his female peers, and then wrote of what he knows - not on the whole of the movement. Anyways, I thought I'd share his post because it gave me an excuse to share his meme and because I thought it was well done.

True Love Waits: What my youth pastor did right


2 - Back to Catholic-y things.

Matthew Kelly and the folks at Dynamic Catholic want to make sure you have the Best Lent Ever.  It looks really fabulous and I'm excited to do it this Lent. Check out the website and consider signing up.

And if that doesn't sound like your thing, maybe you'll like the Blessed Is She Lenten journal. It's another great resource to help you get in Scripture and and spending time in prayer. The journals have all sold out but you can download and print one off for yourself. Lovely.

I was really happy to chat with my friends Christy and Haley for their latest Fountains of Carrots podcast. We chatted about lent and how we do it in our homes and I had a lot of fun. JP makes an appearance as well. Take a listen!


3 - Earlier this week I made some bagels and shared a picture on Instagram. If you're looking for a good bagel recipe I strongly recommend this one. Mary Kate shared it with me and she was right - it's delicious. In fact, my second batch is rising right now.


4 - Recently I noticed two unusual occurrences. The first is that on days when I wear pj's, don't brush my hair or teeth, and do not shower I get an incredible amount of work done. Cleaning the bathrooms, putting away the laundry, answering emails, sorting paperwork, mending clothing, even reading to the kids - all of this is done when I look rather gross. I think it's because when I get myself ready for the day I feel like I need to DO something, and that definitely does not mean scrubbing toilets.

The second thing is that if I am going to put away laundry then I cannot use a laundry basket. If I fold the clothes right out of the dryer, piling them on the top of the dryer, then they actually get folded. Then I gather them in my arms - not in a laundry basket! - and carry them throughout the house, putting them away. It gets the job done in minutes, rather than the clean clothes sitting rumpled for days or even weeks.


5 - Today was my first day on thyroid medication. I actually feel better already - is that even possible? I don't know, but this was one of my first steps towards health and I'm excited for what may happen.


6 - Here's some of my favorite links from the week:

Art is not weight-lifting: Why the Beck vs. Beyonce comparisons are unfair and wrong (and lazy!)
This Beck and Beyonce mash-up will cure your Grammy woes
Okay, Hozier, I'll take you to church
The Lady who followed me home
When repentence looks like a shower


7 - In honor of Valentine's Day here's one of my absolute favorite Fulton Sheen quotes.

Removing the shame so it will all taste better

This is not your run of the mill, it's the New Year, let's jump into your weight-loss / get-healthy / Whole30 / resolutions post. This one is way more humbling for me to write than one of those. But it is a post about getting healthy because my health is out of control and I'm tired of it, and just plain tired.

This is not a new story for me.

My first two years of college and all of high school before that I was a chunker. I can still remember the day that I decided I had had enough. Even though there was a cold drizzle that May day I went outside and "ran". Over that summer I worked my way up to being able to run 3 miles. I hated running but I loved the results. I would also go swimming, go for walks, and challenged myself with a 5k race. I was careful about what I ate and if I ate too much, especially of something that wasn't good for me, then I just threw it up.

I lost 50lbs.

By late fall I pretty much quit running and by the time I had graduated college I was pretty much done with the purging.

And I kept the weight off. For six years I would flux a little but the weight on my drivers license was accurate and I was happy.

When I got married I wore a medium for a shirt, a size 10 jean, and I had nice, strong legs and big-but-not-too-big boobs. Even with my crooked teeth I looked good.

And then I got pregnant. With that pregnancy and the grief of the loss I gained about 10lbs.
I got pregnant again. And again. And altogether I got pregnant 6 times in 6 years and while I always lost some of the weight I never lost all of it. (Oh yeah, and there was the 7 week NICU stay where I gained weight, too.)

Then there was what I see as a bit of a low blow: while I was taking medication for PPD I gained even more weight. Why isn't there a pill to make me both happy and thin?

So now, eight years into my marriage and I've got an additional good ten pounds for each year. I look fat; I feel fat; I am horribly, embarrassingly fat.

In the last months I've also noticed a lot of other stuff happening with my body. Completely wonky cycles that could be 28 days with no phase III to a 44 day long one with three possible peak days. Cramping, sometimes painful enough to wake me up but not related to anything obvious. A body that aches and feels totally out of line. Other, grosser stuff that I won't share with you.

I'm trying to change all this.

In October I gave up soda. I stopped having painful cramps during my period when I did that, which was a very pleasant surprise, but oh how I missed my diet Dr. Pepper.

November I nick-named "No Sugar November" and I did a pretty good job at continuing to stay away from soda in addition to having no sweets. I dropped 4lbs in  a week.

December was supposed to be "No Dairy December" but I made a lame attempt and by the middle of the month I had given in to the sweets.

So here I am, at the beginning again.I'm doing the really obvious stuff:
- no more soda
- no more sugar
- limited dairy
- limited carbs
- lots more sleep (early bedtime)
- lots more water
- a bit of exercise.  (Oh gosh, please don't laugh at me but here's a YouTube channel with some workout videos I don't hate. #1 and #4 are my favorites.)

But there's more than that.

A little while ago I was praying the novena to Our Lady, Undoer of Knots and while I was praying for something else, I heard very clearly in my head that food is the knot that needs to be untied in my life.

So I started praying about it. And I started confessing it: I knew I was full and I kept eating. I ate out of stress. I ate out of worry. I ate out of anger, boredom, sleep deprivation.

Oh man, if there has been anything to help me even get to this point it has been the grace and healing from the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

I feel like a lot of the behavior of my college days when I was binging and purging is being redeemed. Then I thought about everything I ate and I obsessed about every move I made. Now I think about (almost) everything I eat but I consider "Is this a good choice? Is this bite one bite too many?" Instead of considering if I'll have to throw it up I consider if I'll have to confess it later. "If I eat this, is it gluttony?" It's not scrupulosity, which I think is another part of the college sins being redeemed, but it's responsibility.*

It's not taking the joy out of eating, it's taking the shame out of it.

And I'll be honest. This is about being healthy spiritually, physically, and emotionally but it's also about looking good. I want to look good. I think I deserve to look good. (Just in case I was getting a little too pious for you, I'll bring it back down a bit.)

So there it is. I'll probably be posting about this all from time to time and I hope you don't mind. But if you're in a similar situation maybe we can encourage one another along the way. What do you think?

Bloglovin' -- Feedly -- Instagram -- Pinterest -- Facebook

*I updated the post with the line about scrupulosity after a comment below. It's an important point to make.
Also, I hope I don't sound glib about the binging and purging / eating disorder stuff. It was serious, it is serious, and while I've written about it before, that's not what this post was about. I needed to mention it but I didn't want to go into a lot of detail about it again. Not now.

A Letter to Myself as a New Mom

I overheard on the internet some young moms planning out their motherhoods, with pins and homeschool blogs and library reading lists giving them all sorts of information, none of which they can do anything with as they still hold their first babies. It all reminded me of myself six years ago, of the woman and mother I thought I was and was going to be as I mapped it all out. The more I thought about those new moms the more I thought, "It's not my place to tell Sally and Jan that their Pinterest boards are likely setting them up to feel like failures. But if I could give myself some advice, what would it be?" Well, friends, this is what it would be. This letter is to me and for me and maybe you will relate and maybe you won't. Either way I'd love to hear what you'd tell your new-mom self if you could.

Dear Bonnie,

You have a beautiful little girl. She is gorgeous. Right now you feel exhilarated. Soon enough you will feel overwhelmed. Six years later I (you) have learned a few things and I want to share them with you.

The transition of having zero kids to having one will be the hardest thing you do in the first 32 years of your life. It will be harder than a seven week stay in the NICU. It will be harder than the stress of living paycheck to paycheck. It will be harder than going from one to two, two to three, three to four, and four to five kids. And you do that in five years and zero to one is still the hardest so cut yourself some slack.

Stop listening to what other people want you to do or think you should do. Trust your gut, Mom, and the law; follow those three and you'll be fine. You will make yourself miserable trying to please all the "they"s in the parenting world.

Don't give a damn about what They say about nipple confusion - give your baby girl a pacifier!!!

Don't listen to what They say about sleeping in recliners or on sofas while holding your baby - it's the only way you will both get some sleep so just do it! Co-sleeping in a bed won't work for you but propped up on the couch you'll be fine. Travis will finally figure this out and sleep in the recliner, holding her for the majority of her first year but only after several long, frustrating, crying-filled weeks.

Don't let Them make you feel guilty about how you wear your baby. Spend some money on an Ergo, buckle her in, and she will be happy and you can wash the dishes and sweep the floor like you want. Better to wear her like she wants to be in a way that makes you comfortable and allows you to keep your home tidy (because a tidy home makes you feel more relaxed). Better that than to not wear her at all and listen to her cry and not get anything done because They want you to try a sling or 54.5 yards of fabric criss-crossed, wrapped around, and tied up in a bow like a freakin' silks acrobat.

Your beautiful little baby cries. A lot. She's super tired and she wants to be held, all of the time. You are super tired and don't want to be touched. Through the years you'll learn that physical affection is her strongest love language and that will be hard for you.  However, being sensitive and wanting lots of hugs and snuggles are just part of who she is, so don't fight it. Work with it. Like I said above, hold her while you both nap. Wear her in that Ergo I already talked to you about. Arrange for people to come over and hold her for you so you can escape to your bed from time to time and nap alone.

Brace yourself for this one a little bit. You have postpartum depression. Yes, you are beyond exhausted but it is more than that and you know it. Do something. Now. Please. You will otherwise spend the next six years wondering whatever happened to who you were and who you thought you would be as a mother. You will spend the next six years raging, anxious, stressed out, and always on the verge of losing your patience, temper, self control. Your kids, husband, home, and self will all suffer because of it. Please.

Finally, let's be frank. Six years later, you're fat. If you don't sleep and treat your depression you're going to spend the next six years binge eating, comfort eating, over-eating. Ten pounds a year in the next six years does not look pretty and it's starting to wreak havoc on your body. Put down the fourth cookie, drink a big glass of water, take your pill, take a nap, and then go for a walk.

Love,
Bonnie

PS - You're a good mom.

7QT - 90's music and too many pictures of me

Thank you, Jen, for hosting our weekly link-up party!


1 - Ahhhh - the bass line! This song was on the radio this afternoon and the kids just didn't understand that I needed them to not talk to me about tornadoes while we drove with the windows down and listened to music from my childhood.


2 - Looking up this song on YouTube led to a rabbit hole of 90's music. Remember Butthole Surfers' song Pepper? What about Cannonball by The Breeders? Nada Surf's Popular? And, oh man! Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus?! Alien Ant Farm? Sum41?! And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy.


3 - Speaking of music and my favorite radio station, WWCT has a little guest gig on Fridays wherein a fan comes in and gets to pretend to co-host the lunch hour. To do it you submit your name and 6 favorite songs, which they will play while you're there. I submitted Shadow Stabbing by Cake, When the Man Comes Round by Johnny Cash, Shake It Out by Florence and the Machine, Rivers and Roads by The Head and the Heart, and Something in the Water by Brooke Frasier, and Devil Town by Bright Eyes.

What six songs would you submit? What are six of your favorite songs?


4 - I really loved the Body Confidence Tips post from Girl With Curves. Her tip #6 really spoke to me; it's something I've noticed in my own life. I wish I looked like this:

May 2004, size 10 and a perfectly healthy BMI.

Instead of this:

I'm pregnant in this picture, I'm not pregnant now, but there's really not much of a difference. Sad.

One thing I've learned from being overweight, though, is to do #6. When I was thin I didn't have the confidence to wear lipstick or dangly earrings or bold colors. But now doing those things makes me happy so I do them and I think I look better because of it.


5 - In the coming weeks I will be packing, moving, unpacking, traveling for weddings and speaking engagements, and working on a whole lotta other stuff. I asked some friends if they would help me keep my blog afloat and I am so thrilled to say there is all kinds of good posts comin' our way, faithful readers! Every time you see this you'll know it's time for an awesome new guest post. First one is Monday, with Britt talking about when she worked at the White House.

6 - L told me not to do the yellow. She was right.


7 - On a final note: Resa officially turned 2 yesterday. Oh how I love that little girl!

I wish you could all hear her sing along to the Frozen soundtrack. When she yells out "Happy snowman!" it is just the. cutest. thing. ever! EVER!

Dear Blogger Moms of Older Kids,

Dear Rachel, Dwija, Mary, Cari, Kelly, Mary Kate, Jessica, Nancy, Kathryn, Susan, and many more,

I've been scrolling through my Facebook feed and over and over again I see your beautiful faces and your beautiful kids. I see your handsome husbands and your cute dresses and all the smiles. And I want to tell you something:

I have five little kids. The oldest is nearly six, the youngest is only nine months. I feel like I have finally hit a good stride and, with the grace of God, I have a lot of things under control. But I wonder and I worry about what will happen as my kids get older.

Will this one ever learn to think of others first? Will that one struggle with school? Will this one resent decisions I've made? Will that one be a flirt? Will they all grow in virtue? Will they love God and their faith? Will they make good decisions about dating and sex and college and parties and friends? 

I am happily married and I have been for over seven years. I really like my husband - I like spending time with him and hanging out with him and talking about things with him. And I really like my husband - see the five kids above. He is an amazing man - a strong leader, a humble servant, a man of many talents and capabilities and a good sense of humor. But I wonder about rough patches that every marriage seems to have.

Will we have one? How will we navigate through it? How do I encourage him and not nag? How do I support and follow him when I disagree, when I'm scared, when I'm nervous? 

 I am eighty shameful pounds heavier now than I was when I got married. Six pregnancies in six years and a NICU stay and all kinds of emotional eating have left me round. Embarrassingly round.

Will I ever lose this weight? Will I have the time to exercise and do school drop off and pick up and attend daily Mass and keep the house clean and read blogs? Will I ever again fit into that Everyone Loves a German Girl t-shirt I've been holding on to for all these years?



All these thoughts, worries, questions: You answer them for me. When I see your pictures, when I read your Facebook updates and blog posts and tweets I breathe out a little sigh of relief.

Your beautiful, handsome, happy children seem so confident, funny, kind, thoughtful, eager to learn, and happy to be Catholic, even though you don't hide the hard. Your marriages seem happy, fulfilling, not without their crosses but also not without their deep, sustaining joys. Your lives seem balanced, even if that means that you are having to shift the balances every few months, seasons, or years.

I see you take the time to pursue things you love and enjoy: running, fashion, photography, chickens, gardens, writing, crafts, pampering and cooking.
I see you take the time to enjoy, encourage, support, play with, read to and love your children, meeting them where they are and raising them to the next level.
I see you take the time to honor, love, respect, care for, date, and enjoy your husbands.
I see you take the time to nurture friendships, to pray with and for your friends, to surprise them with flowers and cookies and phone calls.
I see you live a life pursuing God, finding time for prayer, enjoying and living and celebrating your faith, reading your Bible, sharing the Good News of Jesus Christ.

Your presence online is a presence in my life and I am so grateful. You are a role model for me. The words you write, the pictures you post, the quotes you share, the prayers you offer - these are sustaining and encouraging me through these years of little kids, of a still-young marriage, of eighty pounds.

Please know that I appreciate the gift you give. Please know that as you share your life you are giving me hope. Please know that I am so grateful.

So very, very grateful.

May our good God bless you and tell you "Well done, good and faithful servant."

xo,
Bonnie

oh I don't even know

Let's start off with pictures of my now five month old son. Because we can. And he's cute.

We're counting down to Christmas and this sign is actually just stressing me out. But it cost $1 at Target and it makes my kids happy so we'll still consider it a win. 

Leggings - I still don't know if I should be wearing them, but they're just so comfortable and I probably won't look good in anything until I lose a good 50lbs that I just don't really even care. (Okay, that's a total lie. I do care but I'm trying to not care so I don't spiral.)

Advent calendar - we've done about 1/3 of them so far but they sure look pretty.

I kinda burned dinner but I'm gonna say it's caramelized and call it a win. Ben however isn't buying it. He tried a bit and said it wasn't good. "The flavor is so BAD."

Recently I discovered that all those crock pot meals of mine can actually be cooked in a pot on a stove and it can actually still be pretty easy and in some cases even yummier. That being said, I am in no way knocking crock pots.


My new little treat is pomegranate seeds. I keep a container of them in the fridge and pretty much every time I open it up I grab a handful.

So does she.

The thief.

Want to hear one more thing about food? Sure ya do! Okay. Clementines are in season and they are so. flippin. good! Now in the past I have eaten clementines like a banshee when I was pregnant but that's not the case now. In case anyone is keeping track I am unpregnant right now. The neat thing is that all the kids are eating them too. Everyone grabs one, I start the peeling, they take over, Resa has juice running down her chin, JF keeps asking for more, and I find piles like this all over the house.

But you know what? I don't care! I love it!



I'm sorry. That's wasn't nice to leave you with that ear worm. Here's something better.

Seven Quick Takes and Sheen Novena Day 6

1 - Boom. Hilarious. Thank you, Facebook.


2 - Happy Feast of St. Nicholas, everyone! Last night St. Nick came and filled the kids' stockings. Everyone got new pj's, toothbrushes, and chocolate coins. (JF got a candy cane tube filled with Skittles.)

This morning we almost blew up the Catholic Meter when Ben excitedly pulled his coins out of his stocking and said, "St. Nicholas brought me this. THEY WOULD MAKE GREAT HOSTS!" and then ran off to get his play Mass kit.

He had to call it quits when Resa ate most of his coins, snatching them off the patent.


3 - Earlier I was with four Catholic friends. One of them admitted that she couldn't do something because she was pregnant. The others of us squealed and clapped with glee. Then another one admitted that she, too, was pregnant. More cheering and clapping. Then a third friend told us she was pregnant. Even more squealing and clapping and congratulating. Then I yelled out, "I'm not pregnant!" and everyone cheered and congratulated me.

Between all these pregnant friends of mine, and a recent call from another friend about her engagement I have been getting a lot of really great news lately. Praise God.


4 - Drastically changing the subject and tone now.
So this is true:

5 - And this is funny:

It also reminded me of my friend Kelly. She really is doing crazy runs - a bunch of 5ks to help raise money for SMA (spinal muscular atrophy) research. If you're looking for a good deed to do, please consider donating to her cause.


6 - I'm really very tired.


7 - Thanks so much for praying with me for the canonization of Venerable Fulton J. Sheen. I'm sorry this is so late in the day, but here's today's prayer.

Novena Day 6

 “Burning the candle at both ends for God’s sake may be foolishness to the world, but it is a profitable Christian exercise for so much better the light! Only one thing in life matters: Being found worthy of the Light of the World in the hour of His visitation. We need have no undue fear for our health if we work hard for the Kingdom of God; God will take care of our health if we take care of His cause. In any case, it is better to burn out than to rust out.” Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

Lord, even when tired and sick, Fulton Sheen worked unceasingly for your cause. Help us to learn how to tirelessly work for You through Fulton Sheen. Help us to know that there is no rest unless it is in You.

Prayer of Canonization, Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be

Prayer of Canonization

Father, source of all holiness, You raise up within the Church in every age men and women who serve with heroic love and dedication. You have blessed Your Church through the life and ministry of Your faithful servant, Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen. He has written and spoken well of Your Divine Son, Jesus Christ, and was a true instrument of the Holy Spirit in touching the hearts of countless people.

If it be according to your Will, for the honor and glory of the Most Holy Trinity and for the salvation of souls, we ask You to move the Church to proclaim him a saint. We ask this prayer through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen

Many thanks to Jen for hosting!

PSA: Never ask a woman when she's due

Recently I've had several people ask me when I'm due.

And not just people but women. And not just women but skinny women. I don't know if they're so thin that they're not getting the nutrients to help their brains think through things but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. They're probably not bad people, it's just they're starved and can't think clearly.

Because I'm not due. I'm fat. Just fat.

Thank you, Skinny Woman, for looking at my body and assuming that there must be a gestating baby in my womb because my belly is so round. And I know, I know that I'm still wearing maternity jeans and dresses so it's almost like you're being set up and it's not fair. But let me explain something to you:

Some women have the horrible genes that make them carry their weight in their mid section. We few, we unfortunate few, are known as apples. Or barrels. Or squares. Or constantly 6 months pregnant. Or fat.

And when you encounter us you should NEVER ask when we're due.

In fact never ask any woman ever when she's due with two exceptions:

1 - If she just told you she's pregnant.
2 - If the baby is crowning. But even then it's not a good idea.

When you, Skinny Woman, ask me when I'm due and I have to tell you that I'm not it's embarrassing for both of us. And I can tell by the look on your face that you feel really, really bad and probably you should. The remorse you feel for having asked such an innocent, well meaning but completely thoughtless question means you will probably never again ask another woman when she's due. So I'm glad I can help out my fellow Apples.

Yesterday I had the privilege of speaking at a local moms' group, sharing the story of my son's alleged miracle. They wanted me to provide a bio for them to use to introduce me. I gave them this:

Bonnie Engstrom is from central Illinois and lives in G----- with her husband, Travis, the physics teacher at --- High School. They have 6 kids, one in Heaven and then 5 aged 5 and under. Bonnie is currently NOT pregnant and therefore drinks a beer almost every day.

Please notice the last sentence. I didn't include that to be funny. I included that so everyone there would know that I am fat, not pregnant, and they shouldn't ask me when I'm due.  It's too bad that as women were gathering and therefore before I had been introduced a woman asked me when I was due. If only she waited five more minutes...

And I know, Skinny Women, I know that you're just being nice and trying to carry a conversation. And you can probably guess how I feel about my body.

I pretty much hate it. I am embarrassed of all the weight I've gained over the last 6 pregnancies. I'm ashamed of the way my body so boldly communicates my lack of self control. I am ashamed of how I look and it's getting to the point where I sometimes consider skipping out on social events because I want to be unseen. I dress in the dark or in the closet so my husband cannot see my naked body. I don't like my kids to touch my soft, round belly and I'm afraid of the day when they learn that in our culture their mom is not beautiful because she is fat.

That innocent, well-intentioned question of "When are you due?" runs me through all those feelings and thoughts and it's a perfectly good way to ruin an otherwise perfectly good day.  Just don't do it.

Seven Quick Takes

1 - I confess, I am not feeling this song today, but it was the one I had planned on using all week. Obviously, my week started on a better foot than the one it's ending on. Maybe you're having a good day, though, and this peppy song is right up your alley. Good for you, then.

2 - My stress levels are through the roof right now. This week was supposed to be about finishing up projects in the house so when the realtor comes Tuesday at 2pm everything is done and clean and ready for pictures. But instead this week has been diddled away and nothing is done yet. I loaded all the kids into the car to get out of the house so Travis could stop taking care of kids and start work only to realize that we have no cash and both my credit cards were expired.

3 - Obviously I did *not* do the 7 days of blogging challenge from Jen. Let me tell ya: it was awesome. I had something to read all the time and no pressure to write anything. I say make it a quarterly thing, Jennifer!

4 - Well, I'm down 28lbs of baby weight. This is good news, except that I still have 15lbs to lose to be back to what I weighed before I got pregnant with JP. And then there's the other 45lbs I'll have to lose to be back to my pre-L weight, which is still 10lbs more than what I weighed when I got married. After Resa I lost 20lbs in 3 months with Weight Watchers, but if you read #3 above then you'll know that right now we do not have money for WW. I guess I'll just have to exercise and use portion control on my own. Blah.

5 -  Here's something to not be grumpy about: Catholic All Year's Kendra has been spending her summer in Chicagoland instead of the greater LA area and has agreed to come down for a little visit this Monday. All our kids will be together and it will be madness but I think I'll love it. Or I might just ignore my kids and cling to adult conversation.

6 - While nursing JP and Resa I noticed something that I'm not sure I noticed with L and Ben. (I wasn't able to nurse JF.) For a brief period during each nursing I feel this wave of being sad and overwhelmed. It hits me fairly hard, especially if I'm not distracted in conversation or television viewing, and I feel like I have a sudden, huge lump in my throat - like I'm on the brink of breaking down. And then, almost as quickly as it comes it is gone. If memory serves me right, it didn't last the entire 10 months I nursed Resa, and I actually forgot about it until it started with JP once my milk came in. A friend of mine suffered from D-MER with her babies and having listened to her I suspect that's what's going on with me, too. Anyone else gone through something similar?

7 - After my nap I'm going to start trying this:

Thank you to the perfectly lovely Jennifer Fulwiller for hosting!

Running to Lose - a guest post on weight loss

I met Rosie while I worked as a campus minister at the Catholic student Newman Center at WIU several years ago. Rosie was quiet, sweet, and loved by all. Rosie was also really overweight and unhealthy. One random day, several years after our time together at the Newman Center, Rosie posted a jaw-dropping picture of herself on Facebook. Clearly my friend was getting healthy. 

Lately, I have really been struggling with how I look and my feelings about my body. (Summer is coming! I look down at my white, chunky legs  coming out from my shorts and... ugh.) I needed to hear something positive (and maybe you do too) and so I asked Rosie to write a guest post and share her amazing weight loss story with us all. The best part about her journey is that it wasn't about losing weight so she could look hot - it's about being healthy so she can live and enjoy life. She really is a role model to me and a true "thinspiration" - so much more than any picture of some toned and unrealistically-thin-for-my-body-and-state-of-life woman on Pinterest.

Thank you, Rosie, sharing your story with us!

In my teens and early twenties, I feel like I was living in a way that didn’t reflect who I was or how I was raised. I made a lot of poor, selfish decisions that arguably stemmed from one place: a toxic relationship with food. As a kid, I tucked Oreo cookies inside my socks to get them past my mother. In college, I’d order a pizza, bring it to my dorm room, and eat as much as I could until I felt sick. It was really bad. I’m ashamed even writing that, but we have to acknowledge our shortcomings so we can move forward. Here are some “before” pictures from 2008 and 2009:

 

I remember trying an Overeaters Anonymous meeting for a few weeks, but kept circling back to Weight Watchers. I was so heavy to begin with and could drop 20-30 pounds without making any drastic lifestyle changes, but then I’d just gain it back. Like any loving parent, my mom was worried. She tried talking to me about it. She tried being nice, but sometimes she had to go for the “tough love.” She was frustrated, I was frustrated, I’d start crying, and in the end, nothing would change. But I genuinely cared about my mom’s opinion, and deep down, I knew she was right.

I don’t know if I necessarily had one specific moment that motivated me to commit for good, but after finishing college and struggling to find a teaching job, I realized that getting through an interview is hard enough without weighing 350 pounds and being too disgusted with yourself to make a good impression. I was wasting my life by being fat and miserable. I didn’t want to be “the fat teacher.” wanted to be healthy enough to have a career, feel confident, and be happy.

Four years ago, while pursuing a full-time job, I worked in a before and after school program. I was there from 7 to 8:30 AM, and again from 2:30 to 6:00. In between those times, I went to the gym and spend six hours there, taking a lunch break and occasional rest periods. It wasn’t a realistic schedule for the long term, but I took advantage while the opportunity was there, bonding with the elliptical machine from the start. That (plus a healthier diet and weekly Weight Watchers meetings) helped me lose the first 80 pounds. Still had some work to do, but things were moving in a better direction.

Then I started running. I watched my older sister participate in the 2010 Chicago Marathon, and I was so inspired that I vowed to be there in 2011. Of course, at that time, I hadn’t run in about 10 years, in high school P.E. class, so you could say that I was a little overly ambitious. My sister urged me to start smaller, perhaps with a 5K, but I refused to be told I couldn’t do this, and through the grace of God, it somehow happened. I started on the treadmill in February 2011, first with 2 miles, then eventually 20. I ran the Chicago Half Marathon in September, the Chicago Marathon in October, and reached my goal weight (150 pounds lost) just before Christmas.

On paper, it may sound like it happened quickly and easily, but I don’t want to give off that impression. Losing weight and turning your life around is difficult. There are good days and bad days. I try hard to make healthy eating choices, but what’s great about Weight Watchers is that you don’t have to stop being human. There are people who lose tons of weight and say they have no interest in touching another cheeseburger, although I don’t understand that kind of thinking. I still love pizza, Girl Scout cookies, and Shamrock Shakes every bit as much as I used to, and I do treat myself, but I know how careful I have to be. If the number on the scale is higher on Monday, I know I need to tighten up, get back to the basics, and maintain a clean diet until that number gets back to normal. That’s just how life is for everyone. It’s all about balance. Anyone can have a bad day or week, but we can’t let it spiral to the point where we’ve completely stopped caring. I know that keeping the weight off is only going to get more challenging as I get older, but we do our best, find support around us, and just keep going.

Today, I’m still working hard at retaining what I’ve learned. In just under two years, I completed 11 half marathons, 6 full marathons, and about 8 5K’s. I also teach preschool now, so the 6-hour workout sessions are over, but I knew that was coming. Now I’m usually too tired to do more than 20 minutes after work, but I always try to do something. I always did love walking, even when I was obese. That’s the key—finding something you like. Not everyone loves running, and that’s okay. Walking is a simple, effective way to get moving. On a warm and sunny day, it can be so peaceful and relaxing.

My faith definitely plays a role in everything I’ve done. Though far from perfect, I value my Catholic faith and how God helped me make it this far. Running 26 miles never gets easier, no matter how many times you attempt it, and after a while, you ask yourself why the heck you’re still even moving. I’ve gotten into the habit of crossing that finish line with my arms up and quietly whispering “Thank you, Jesus,” because frankly, there is no other way a person’s body could possibly cover that distance. Through all the mistakes I make, I know He’s there. He’s the reason I can keep getting better and stay as healthy as possible. He wants that for us, not because it makes us look better, but because it makes US better.

Rosie and her tough-lovin' Mom

You can read more from Rosie at her blog, Chasing 200.

7 Quick Takes

Thanks, Jen, for hosting!


1 - Some friends and I saw Nickel Creek in concert several years back and Sara sang her cover of this song. Of course Linda Ronstadt's classic version is awesome but I like the sweetness of Sara's voice.

2 - Jenny and Jen and anyone else wondering about the music. I highly recommend this station, WWCT, for "new" music. Enjoy.

3 - "The man who thinks only of himself says prayers of petition; he who thinks of his neighbor says prayers of intercession; he who thinks of loving and serving God says prayers of abandonment to God's will, and that is the prayer of the saints." Fulton J. Sheen

4 - I had my 30 week sonogram and midwife appointment. I was not too happy to know that based on this baby's measurements I'm on track to have another baby the size of Resa. Resa was 11lbs 9.5oz, for those who don't remember. Her birth was an incredibly traumatic experience for me. I was hoping for a smaller baby, perhaps an 8 pounder who would just shoot out of me like she was on a slip n' slide.

5 - The good news is that the baby is currently breech. I know that for everyone else this would be bad news but for me it would mean an instant c-section. An instant, no questions asked because there's no other way, c-section would mean no more stuck babies or dead babies or otherwise emotionally scarring events.

6 - For Mother's Day I wanted to show off my maternal grandmother, whom I am named after and whose dress I covet. 

 7 - And a Happy Mother's Day to my mom, mother-in-law, Grandma F, Grandma W, and Grandma E! Love to you all!

Real Beauty: hard to watch

You've probably seen this already. It was all over my Facebook feed. Friends and cousins and every other woman posting it and commenting on how touching it was and how much they wanted the women in their lives to know that they are beautiful.

It was hard for me to watch. Like many of my friends I cried when I watched it, too, but I also felt incredibly awkward and uncomfortable.

I thought about how I would describe myself, what words I would have given to the artist. Of course I didn't have to think very hard or long. They are all right there, at the forefront of my mind and on the tip of my tongue because I think them every time I do my make-up, pass a mirror, or open the door to leave my home and go into public.

big, pale forehead
wide, rounded nose
medium sized eyes that are "hooded"
crooked teeth
full, pudgy face - fat like the rest of me
small dimples on the cheeks
hair that's probably inappropriately long for my age and in bad need of a trim
some acne

I am in this terrible rut where I do not like how I look and how long I've looked this way. It's embarrassing, really. I feel embarrassed. As I meet new people I want to take them back in time to the Bonnie who happily wore a size M. Who had strong legs, a thin face, and perfectly sized c-cup breasts. "See! I didn't always look like this... most of my life, yes, but there was a time when I lost 50lbs and I kept it off for 6 years. Six years! It wasn't a fluke!"

My kids will sometimes get a hold of my camera and take random pictures. Later I'll see shots of me giving T a bottle, typing on the computer, walking through the living room, fixing a meal. These pictures are always unflattering but I think the reality is that when picture after picture after picture is bad then it's not really the picture that looks bad - it's me. I'm sure there is a huge difference in what I see in the pictures and what my kids see but, well, I guess it just is what it is.

I know the message of the video is powerful and so I showed the it to my husband, who was also impressed by it. "You should show it to your students," I told him. "I should," he said. It doesn't really fit into any chemistry or physics lesson plans but imagine how powerful it could be to classrooms of high school boys and girls.

But me, I don't want to watch it again. What they are stating is obviously true, but it's a truth I can't hear right now. For some reason it is just much too painful.

What I Wore Sunday - St. Patrick's Day edition

We are climbing out of the stink and yuck of the flu in these parts. L and Ben gave it to Travis and me and then JF succumbed. I was a little worried, as we headed to Mass this morning, that JF wouldn't be over it the way I thought he was and do another holiday treat for us like he did on Christmas morning. But luckily we seem to be all good!

The kids' Mass behavior was pretty good. Short homilies help so much with that! Afterwards we treated them to Shamrock Shakes from McDonald's... some day it'll be green beer. 

We all wore green, because we're like that, but we were so late we had to sit in the cry room.

It's a bit chilly here still and the girls wore cardigans and tights and looked so, so cute.

Poor Resa was so tired. "Just let me nap, Mom!"

I don't love this outfit.

I don't really love how I look any more.

But soon I'll be holding a newborn and then maybe I can lose all the weight once and for all.

Lastly, thank You God, for hand-me-downs and gifts. My kids would have been naked today without them.

Black jersey dress: hand-me-down

Greenish tank: hand-me-down

Same brown boots: same old boots

White cardigan: Mossimo from Target

Quick confession:

I have been failing as a Catholic mom lately. I'm behind on homeschooling and this would have been a great week to do the letter 'P'.  Granted I was sick but - come on! - "Pope" and "St. Patrick" all in one week.  Instead we're on "O" for whenever I get around to that.

I'm pretty sure my kids have no idea what a pope even is, let alone that we have a new one.

Also, despite the fact that I have a great book

to explain everything secular and religious about St. Paddy's Day we've barely read it. (Opting instead for the super easy Brown Bear and Freight Train reads.)

But today I read it super quickly while the corned beef roasted and I served it with mashed potatoes and peas... because I felt like there should be something green on the plate.

Dessert was totally JF-friendly cupcakes! No eggs, no dairy, baby!

(You can see the recipe here if you want.)

The rainbow cake will be served at my Tuesday mornin Mom's Group.  Come if you're in the area. :)

 

Thanks Fine Line & Purple for hosting What I Wore Sunday!