There's a pattern

Baby #1 - lost early in pregnancy
Baby #2 - Girl
Baby #3 - Boy
Baby #4 - Boy
Baby #5 - Girl
Baby #6 - Boy
Baby #7 - Boy
Baby #8 - Girl
Baby #9 - ???

Due in mid May 2019!
We are so happy!

Infancy Without Postpartum Depression, what we did this time around

At the end of October Baby Tee will be ten months old. He is crawling, pulling himself to standing, cruising, and saying "mama." He laughs at his older siblings' silliness and they love to perform for him. He likes cheerios, sweet potatoes, graham crackers, and his mama's milk. He has seven teeth and sometimes I think he looks like an elf.

Can I just tell you that I am completely smitten with him? Some things are tough, of course, like teething and night nursing and all the food he drops on the floor, but he is so sweet and so lovely and my heart bursts with love of him.

I've never had an experience like this before. All my other children's infancies were shadowed by postpartum depression and now that I see what life with a newborn is like without PPD touching it I am incredibly sad that we were all robbed of happier days and a lighter, more peaceful, more loving home. But I am also so incredibly grateful that this time I have not suffered from PPD.

There were moments I was afraid it was coming. One night in particular I was so tired and so anxious. My anxiety kept me awake after a night feeding and I paced the house, I sobbed in the family room, I shook with fear, and I kept seeing this picture of a spiraling, Wonderland-like fall of which I was standing on the cusp.

When exhaustion or stress crept up on me, as they did a couple of times, they showed themselves through anger and an inability to tolerate anything. In the past I would have succumbed - I would have gone crazy. I had...

... but this time was different. We were proactive and we had plans in place. We knew that exhaustion and stress triggered my spiraling into PPD and so my husband, my mom, and I decided what we would do. In the end I would say three things really helped me get through this postpartum period without succumbing to postpartum depression.

First, and probably most importantly: sleep. My mom basically moved in with us for the first few weeks, waking up with Tee's cries, tending to him until she had to get me to nurse him, sending me back to bed immediately after he finished eating, and putting him back to bed. She and Travis made the meals and with he and me sleeping well at night Mom was able to nap during the days. My mother-in-law also helped by relieving my mom and occasionally keeping the older kids at her home. I sat with the kids, rested, and nursed the baby  - and for months that was pretty much all I did. In the months that followed those first six weeks I did not hesitate to put on a movie for the kids and nap, ask my mom or husband to watch the kids so I could sleep, and / or go to bed at 8pm.

Second, I allowed for a lot of quiet and introspection. I spent a lot of time observing how I felt physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I prayed, I read my Bible and Beautiful Mercy, I asked for other people to pray for me, and I used Jenna Hines' book 30 Days to Calm.

Finally, I took pills, but not medication like before. My midwife prescribed for me to take Omega-3 supplements (EPA-DHA 720, 1-2 at a time, four times a day) and Magnesium Glycinate (300mg, 4 at a time, 4 times a day). They were amazing. They helped me relax and just... feel good. I know that seems like a vague statement but it's true. If I started to feel overwhelmed I would take my pills and within thirty minutes I was calm and relaxed. I felt little to no anxiety and I slept better with them. I don't think these pills alone would have worked for bringing me out of my former PPD, but they were wonderfully helpful for keeping it bay this time.


In the end, this has possibly been the best year of my life. I have six amazing children, a husband who loves me immensely, and a devoted mom (and mother-in-law). As a family we have hit our stride and we are thriving, happy, and full of love. That might sound cheesy but I don't care. I've always like nachos.

PS - Speaking of babies, I was invited to be a contributor to the Waiting in His Word: A Couple's Journey Scripture Study on fertility. Nell, Nancy, and Laura have done a fabulous job of bringing together women and men with a wide variety of experiences: loss, adoption, infertility, hyper-fertility, foster care, and more. You can learn more and buy your copy here.


PPS - Not to sound silly, but I would love it if you'd vote for A Knotted Life over at the Fisher's Net Awards. I mean, who else gives you blog posts about food allergies, miracle babies, parochial school, parties, and fashion for barrel-shaped bellies? I mean, when it comes to that combination you know that I am the BEST.


PPS - I am definitely not saying that these three things are all you need to do to beat PPD, and please, please, please know that there is no shame in getting help - be it a therapist, medication, a nanny, etc - to overcome postpartum depression or any mental illness. If you think you have PPD please talk to your doctor or midwife. If you are still pregnant and worried about suffering through another bout of PPD, as I was while pregnant with Baby Tee, then perhaps this post will inspire you to think about your own triggers and create a plan with your loved ones so you can get the best care.

 

Thomas Emil's Birth Story -or- C-Sections Are Weird

Baby Tee is three months old now and it's taken me that long to type up his birth story, mostly because I didn't know what the birth story really was. There was not water breaking. No timing contractions. No pushing and catching. Having a planned c-section meant everything was done to me and that was so weird for me that I didn't know what to tell. But, in the end, I want to have some sort of written record of all my kids' births so I'm including all the little things I can remember and piecing them together does make a story. You can read about his name and backstory here, and here goes the rest...

On Monday, December 21st I had an appointment with my midwife, a truly wonderful woman. While I was pregnant with Ben she was training with my homebirth midwife and cared for me at all my appointments. She delivered Resa and JP. She has supported me through homebirth, an unmedicated hospital birth, an induced and medicated hospital birth, and has listened to my fears associated with all of my births. I trust her a great deal. We'll call her Anne.

With Baby Tee's pregnancy I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes for the first time. I know what you're thinking, "Bonnie, you had three babies who weighed over ten pounds and two who weighed over eleven. How were you only diagnosed with GD once?" and I don't know. One doctor suggested that I maybe had late onset with would make sense because I tested a month later this time than I had with previous pregnancies.

Regardless, I had it and I pricked my finger and changed my diet and saw a high risk doctor because of it. I also had a lot more ultra sounds than usual and at 37 weeks the sonographer guessed the baby was weighing 9lbs 14oz. So on that Monday, at 38 weeks pregnant, my trusted midwife Anne asked me if the high risk doctor had a birth plan for me. He didn't. Anne and I were considering inducing on the afternoon of Christmas Day, 39 weeks exactly, but she told me to discuss it with the high risk doctor the next day, at my scheduled appointment.

So Tuesday I went to the high risk doctor. A different sonographer measured my baby and guessed he was weighing 10lbs 14oz. The doctor came in to see me and we began to discuss my birth history. Big babies. Three had gotten stuck with shoulder dystocia, though they had been freed with the suprapubic pressure trick. One had been stillborn.

He listened and asked me questions and I explained that I had had a bad experience with the epidural the last time and was really nervous about having another one. I would actually prefer to feel the pain and not have another epidural. After some more discussion he said, "I think we need to do a planned c-section. I think that's the safest and best bet." I explained that I was game for that as long as they could knock me out. I would much rather not be awake for it because I didn't want anyone putting anything in my spine. He said he didn't know about that and I'd need to talk to the anesthesiologist and my ob but it was a possibility. That was all I needed.

I was so glad to have someone else make that decision for me. I had spent months worrying about it and trying to decide what I should do, what kind of birth I should have. It was wonderful having someone say, "This is the best option; we will go with this." It was exactly what I needed.

The ob/gyn my midwife works with was scheduled to perform the c-section and December 29th was picked. I had a DQ Blizzard and had Travis set up the crib.

On the morning of the 29th I went to the hospital. I had my Boppy, an outfit for Tee to wear home, my laptop, and a change of clothes. My hips / SI joints hurt so much and I wore slippers on my feet.

And then it was just a series of people doing things to me. Putting in the IV, prepping me here and there, asking me questions, having me sign forms.

I was nervous. Really, really nervous. I made sure the nurse knew I wanted to be knocked out. She told the anesthesiologist who came in and, in a sorta cranky way, told me that wasn't a good option and I would have a spinal tap. In and out, not a lot of kindness from her, just facts. We'll call her Sue.

Next, my trusted midwife appeared. Anne had another patient in labor at the same hospital but would probably be able to be in the room with me during the c-section. She asked how I was doing and Travis and I explained about the anesthesiologist and my preference. "You know what, I trust Sue but she probably just doesn't understand everything you've gone through. She's great and she'll take care for you and there's honestly no one else I would want you with. I'll talk to her." Anne then stayed to explain how a spinal tap is different than an epidural and said she thought I would have a much better experience this time. She left to fine Sue and Travis and I felt better about the spinal tap option.

After a few minutes Sue came back with Anne and this time she was much warmer. She explained in detail how she would do the spinal tap, asked me questions about my epidural, reassured me that this would be very different and brought Travis and I to a place where we both felt good about it, though I was still nervous.

My c-section had been planned for 1:30 but another delivery made the doctor, Dr. K, late so we waited a bit longer. I fidgeted and worried and prayed. We tried making small talk and I posted some pictures to Facebook and Instagram. And then just like that it was Go time.

I was wheeled to the surgery room. Travis was taken somewhere else to suit up. I sat on the edge of the table, holding a nurses shoulders while Sue gave me the spinal tap. She hit the same spot that had bothered me with the epidural and pain shot down into my right hip. Just as we had discussed, though, Sue pulled the needle out and found a different location. There was no pain this time, suddenly my legs felt incredibly heavy, and they swung me around and laid me down. My arms went out, a sheet went up, and Travis came in from behind to sit with me at my head.

Anne came in with her phone and asked if we wanted her to take pictures. "Yes."

Dr. K came in with a resident, Dr. M, and everyone was in a good mood.

I felt... weird. I was worried. I was anxious. I knew everything would be okay but at the same time I was - well I think I was dreading it all. The only surgery I had ever had before was getting my wisdom teeth removed and well, this was such a weird way to have a baby.

I don't remember a ton, probably because of all the drugs I was on, but this is what I do remember:

Tugging and jerking and me thinking, "If I can't feel anything but I can tell they are tugging at my body, how much force must they be using?"

Dr. K saying, "Look at those cheeks!" as he first laid eyes on baby Tee but before he was delivered.

Tee being held up for me to see as people guessed his weight as "at least ten pounds!" and taken to the cart at the side. Travis was invited over and I sort of watched as Tee was cleaned up and weighed.

His weight was announced - 10lbs 7oz - and I remember thinking, "I could have done that" - as in delivered him.

I next remember Dr. K saying to the resident, "This placenta is going to weigh 10lbs!" as they worked to finish the delivery and then, "This is a very big uterus." as they cleaned out all the extra... bits and bobs. The first comment was said lightheartedly and people chuckled. The second comment was part of a direction, I think. Either way, neither was insulting, though they could be read that way.

At some point they brought Tee over to lay on my chest and it was just as awkward as every picture has ever made it out to be. I'm glad I got to hold him and see him, but I still felt so strange that it wasn't a really tender moment. I was relieved when Travis and Tee were taken to the nursery while they finished stitching me up.

I don't remember any of the other details. I was all done and moved to the post-op room for monitoring and it was there that I really met my baby. Travis and Tee came in and I was able to hold him, nurse him, and look him over. I know I joked with Travis a bit and I wasn't in any pain.

From there they took me to my room where I was visited by my mom, JP, Travis, and my midwife Anne. I watched a lot of Netflix - The Great British Baking Show, Ken Burns' documentary on The Roosevelts - and celebrated my 9th anniversary by splitting the hospital's chicken strips and french fries with Travis. Amore.

Because of the diabetes there were issues with Tee's blood sugar and in the end we had to give him a few bottles and wake him up to nurse and feed on a schedule. Nursing wasn't always the smoothest but there was success to balance the frustration.

Travis spent the first night with me but I was alone the next couple nights. The second night there I was so uncomfortable. I hated the bed and Tee wouldn't sleep and nothing was right. My nurse offered to hold my baby while I showered and slept. She turned the water on and helped me in and - oh man! - that was probably the best shower of my life! She kept Tee while I slept for quite a few hours and when she finally brought him in to nurse I felt so much better.

I also chatted with Dr. M the resident every chance I got. I just loved her and I loved joking around with her. Once she came to check on the incision and commented on how nice it looked.
"Do you know who did that?" she asked with a big smile on her face.
"You?"
"Yes!"
"You should take a selfie with it."
She busted out laughing and said, "I'd be fired!"

Another time she came in as I was wincing and shuffling my way to the bathroom.
"Are you okay?!" she asked after I cried out a little in pain.
"Well," I said as I grabbed her arm, "I did just have major abdominal surgery."
Laughing she said, "Yes. Yes, you did."

Gosh, I'd like to pop in to take her lunch and visit with baby Tee.

When I was finally able to come home it was heavenly to be in my own bed again. For the first several days I spent much of my time napping, watching more Netflix, and spending time with Tee. The bottles we had had to give him made nursing more difficult and so much time was spent doing skin to skin and coaxing him to only nurse. In the midst of it all it felt like an epic battle and I'm so glad Travis gently reminded me that we'd had similar problems before and I could do it. (Although to this day Tee rarely nurses on my right side.)

 My mom moved in with us for a couple of weeks and she would get up with the baby, change him, wake me, sleep on the sofa while I nursed him in the recliner, send me back to bed, burp him, and get him back to sleep. For the first couple weeks I spent most of my night sleeping and Mom spent much of the day napping. It worked out remarkably well and my healing went very smoothly.

But c-sections are funny things. I don't really feel like I gave birth to my son; it seems much more that something was done to me. The process of giving birth - of pushing a baby out and feeling all the contractions and pressure and pain - that was so very different than Tee's delivery, where all I did was lie on a table and worry. It's not that the other births feel more victorious.  I don't know. I can't explain it really except to say it was weird.

The soundtrack to Thomas Emil's pregnancy and early days:

God works differently in all our lives: Sex, Money, Suffering, and Grace

Recently I have had several conversations with people about tithing. Several women shared that they are convicted to tithe a full 10% of their money, first thing, and they have seen time and time again that God has been generous back to them. Another friend confided that every time she does not give from the top of her paycheck something ridiculous always happens so that she has even less money.

Now, after I wrote the Financial Hardships and Surprise Pregnancies series, where I revealed that we do not tithe 10% monetarily several things happened:
- We received notice that our mortgage was going up each month because of escrow.
- I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, throwing a wrench into our meal plan and grocery budget.
- My husband had to cancel a dental appointment because we couldn't afford the work.

However:
- Someone sent us $200, which we are putting towards the dental work and Christmas presents. (Thank you!)
- Someone else sent me a whole box of chai tea concentrate (which I have to drink in major moderation now but once the baby comes and the diabetes clears up I will be freely enjoying). (And thank you!)
- Someone else sent us a $100 gift card that we can put towards groceries. (And thank you, too!)

Maybe we were given new difficulties because we don't tithe 10% of our paychecks but I don't think that's how God works - at least not in our lives. I mean, at the exact same time, look at the ways He was inspiring the Body of Christ to be generous! Look at the ways He came through for us!

BUT, I do trust those women in what they said. I do believe that that's how God works in their lives.

This was probably already made pretty darn clear in the FH&SP series, but being this poor can be incredibly humiliating at times. But like I also said in the series I really do think that these are the sufferings and sacrifices God has given to us. They're not going to look exactly like yours nor will yours look like mine.

I wholeheartedly believe that God works differently in each of our lives according to what we need for sanctification. Maybe that friend of mine needs to be stripped of her love of money and needs to learn to submit to and trust in God. Or maybe that's not it at all - I'm just guessing to illustrate here.

But for me, I think I need to be stripped of my pride. I need to learn to put others first. I need to love God above my husband. At least that's what I've figured out so far, I'm sure there's lots more to unearth. Right now my heaviest crosses are the financial worry, the physical toll all the pregnancies have taken on my body, and the fact that natural family planning in my marriage will be nothing more than complete abstinence for several (many?) years. So I guess I need to work on chastity, too, probably.

Are these things fun? Uh, no. Are they easy? Nope, usually not and especially not at first. But these crosses are mine and it's time to stop pretending like I should have what other people have (like savings accounts and normal fertility) because that's not what I need right now to grow in holiness.

A recent article posted at Aleteia says with a great deal of charity and compassion for people just like me, "It can’t be acceptable, from the Catholic point of view, that the marital act is so strictly bound by economic status that husbands and wives can enjoy the divine gift of sexual union only if they can afford the result. The Catholic teaching is not for the middle and upper classes alone."

Do you know what I thought when I read that? "I appreciate what you're saying, but don't take this away from me." If this is my cross, if this is the means that God has chosen to sanctify me then please don't take it way. Don't find an easy out option for me. I don't need a loophole; I need grace.

I need the grace to turn to God in prayer. I need grace to not believe the lie that my husband doesn't love me just because we can't be intimate. I need grace to do what I need to do to heal and strengthen my body. I need the grace to stop worrying about how dingy and shabby the carpet, bathrooms, living room furniture, and kitchen cabinets look and start being grateful. As my Ugandan priest told me, materialism is one of the greatest weaknesses of Catholics in America. My bathrooms may be dated, small, and ugly but I have two of them, with hot running water, and they're air conditioned.

As an aside, if you want to feel like an ungrateful jerk, try confessing your jealousy of everyone else's shiny swagger wagons to a man who as a boy had to hide in the fields of a banana plantation, ended up being bitten everywhere by fire ants but couldn't move because otherwise he'd be killed or kidnapped by the soldiers who had arrived at his home during a civil war.

So materialism, jealousy, ungratefulness - yes I need to work on those things, too. And because of the lot in life that God has given me I can work on them. This vocation - my husband, my kids, my home - this is the path before me and the Good Shepherd is leading me so I fear no evil. The trick is to only remember that His rod and staff are there to guide and save me, not to punish me. Your path may look a bit different than mine - your verdant pastures may have different consolations and there may be different rocks and brambles along your way - but I trust that's how it should be. 

The Kind of Love my shepherd is
whose goodness fails me never;
I nothing lack if I am His 
and He is mine forever...

And so through all the length of days
Thy goodness fails me never.
Good Shepherd may I sing Thy praise
within Thy house forever.

Financial Hardships & Surprise Pregnancies: How We Make It Work

Welcome back to the Financial Hardships & Surprise Pregnancies series. The posts include: 
Introduction

Crosses & Chai Tea

How We Make It Work

and a follow up post:
God Works Differently in All Our Lives: Sex, Money, Suffering, and Grace

There is a real freedom in owning less stuff and in having less stuff to do and fewer places to go. My family lives a life that looks pretty simple (not as simple as some, of course) but we don’t do it because of Pope Francis or that KonMari tidy-up-things-spark-joy book. I definitely felt inspired after recently reading the Little House books for the first time in my life, and I felt very convicted about the amount of toys and stuff we have after reading about JPII’s impression of a US child’s playroom in Saint John Paul the Great. (Summary: he thought it was enough for a whole nursery but too much for a child.) However we live this way out of necessity.

I know there are families out there who could welcome more children into their homes if they were willing to move some money around in their monthly budgets and forego some of their creature comforts: yearly vacations, gym / zoo / pool / museum memberships, shiny new vehicles, homes with rooms that are only walked through. Maybe that’s you and maybe fear is the thing that is holding you back. Maybe you long for another baby but you are trapped in the routine of keeping up with the Joneses and living the “American Dream” and you just don’t know if you can make those budget cuts. I understand. I really, truly do. But I want you to know this:

Children are gifts - only and always - and they are perhaps the greatest gift God gives us. When you add more children to your home through pregnancy or adoption you are:

• giving your children more playmates and friends.
• adding exponential amounts of joy and humor to your home.
• allowing room for one more eternal soul to be loved and nurtured.
• fostering a home where people are valued over things and experiences.
• filling your home with vibrant life.
• creating a support system of people who will love one another and you and your spouse as you age and die.

I’m about to list off the “How We Do It” part of this series - how we have a big family and a small budget - but I first wanted to be sure you all knew that the sacrifices are worthwhile. Look at that list above. It is a good list.

How we make it work:

• The kids hear “no” a lot, and this isn’t a bad thing.
• We play outside, bake, do crafts, read books. My kids are not in activities but they are really good at climbing trees, they spend time playing in nature, they create and pretend, and they play with one another.
• We visit grandparents and great-grandparents often so my kids have good relationships with their grandparents. And I know it brings a great deal of joy to our parents and grandparents to see and spend time with our kids.
• Toys and clothes come as birthday and holiday gifts and unless a growth spurt makes it necessary they do not receive either from us at any other time.
• Netflix and rented movies are our entertainment; we don’t have cable and we seldom go to the movies. We also enjoy bonfires and using our fireplace.
• We are big fans of parks, libraries, and other free places.
• We do not have gym memberships. If we want to exercise we go for a walk, run, or bike ride outside.
• I keep my hair long, in part, because I can then only go to the salon every 6-9 months. Travis and all the kids usually get their hair cut at home. (One family trip to a cheap hair place pays for the clippers we have.)
• Experiences like special trips to the movies, museums, pools, or zoos are reserved for very special occasions and are often gifts. We do not have memberships to any of those places and in fact, my kids may visit each of those things once a year, if that. Often, when those trips do happen they are in the form of a special outing with grandparents or godparents.
• We don’t have a lot of room in our budget for tithing but we do tithe money and we try to be involved in various parish ministries - supporting them with our presence and volunteering our time and talents. (meals for funeral dinners, promotional work, etc)
• We save big expenses for tax refund time. We have been very fortunate to get a large refund the past few years and that money has gone towards paying down debt, stocking up on food, and replacing “big ticket items.” We also set aside money from the refund to pay for our kids’ birthday parties, Easter baskets, and car insurance.
• Beef is purchased locally. We try to use part of our tax refund to go towards purchasing a quarter of a cow from a local farmer. We are able to get top quality ground round, steaks, roasts, ribs and more for $3 a pound (that includes the butcher’s fee!). It is a big expense up front but it saves us a great deal of money on a weekly basis and allows for us to eat cuts of meat we would never be able to otherwise afford.
• Travis (along with his brother) is good at fixing things - cars, carpentry, electronics…For example, our hand-me-down recliner recently broke and instead of buying a new one (we couldn’t) Travis fixed it.
• We pick up extra work - Travis as a handyman and coach and me through speaking, blogging, and consulting.
• We use the envelope system, as I explained yesterday. Travis is very careful with our money and also has a bit of “mad money” which often goes towards donuts after Sunday Mass, a case of beer for when friends come over, and extra gas so we can make the two hour drive to see his family. Those little things help us to feel like we aren’t so poor after all.
• Travis is taking advantage of a tuition reimbursement program at his place of employment. This is allowing him to earn his masters for very little out-of-pocket money for us while moving him up the pay scale more quickly.
• We apply for and receive scholarships and tuition assistance at our kids’ parochial school.
• Christmas money given to Travis and me is used to restock our bar - just sayin.
• We throw our kids parties for their birthdays and get them 1-3 needed or small gifts at Christmas and Easter (usually). There is no need to “go all out" because the kids will receive gifts from grandparents, godparents, aunts and uncles - giving them more than they actually need. Plus, the fun of the holiday - family, food, church, playing games, decorations - is what really makes those things special.
• I am intentional about shutting off lights and line drying items when possible. We also keep our house at 65 in the winter and I try for a long as possible to not turn the heat on.
• The kids pack their lunch but we don't use Lunchables. I did apply for the free or reduced lunch program at school but I have not heard back yet.
• We usually don't use pre-packaged meals, making most of our food - even pizza - from scratch. (Travis has a soft spot for Pizza Rolls during football games, though.)
• The kids are in no extra-curriculars. When they are older they will have the option to join school sports, choir, and whatnot, but for now the only thing they participate in is the free summer reading program at the library.
• We eat meatless meals once or twice a week. Fridays are meatless as a part of our Catholic tradition but often Wednesdays are, too.
• Meat is often a side dish portion with pasta, pancakes, rice, or potatoes being used to fill bellies and veggies and fruit used to round out the meal.
• I don't attend Girls' Night Outs because I can't afford it, and then instead I created a women's group that is hosted by a new woman each month. Everyone brings drinks and snacks - potluck style - and we have a guest speaker and hang out. So I made something I could afford. ;)
• I gladly take hand-me-downs for myself and my kids. I think people just know this about me now and give me their stuff.
• We shop at Wal Mart and Target for clothes. I know that buying quality means it will last longer but it would take me awhile to save up to buy quality and my son needs new jeans yesterday.
• We live near family so grandmas are often able to help with free babysitting.
• We also are lucky that Travis has students willing to babysit for free for NHS volunteer hours and we have found babysitters in confirmation students who also need volunteer hours.
• WIC, which is a government food program for pregnant and nursing moms and children age 5 and under. While we would still qualify for it and food stamps we have opted to not use them. However, WIC was really helpful when we had to use formula, which was at a time when my weekly grocery budget was $75 for a family of 5. 
• The Medical Card. Since JF's birth the whole family has been on it and between it and my husband's excellent insurance we have hardly any medical expenses. If it weren't for the medical card I honestly don't know what we would do but despair because of the bills from JF's NICU stay, all the specialists, JP's week-long stay in the hospital at birth, and the continuing medications we need for our boys' allergies. I know there are many who think we should be ashamed of the government aid but without it I know we would be opting out of basic medical care like teeth cleanings and the life-changing medication I took for postpartum depression. I also know we would be less likely to go to the ER for JF's allergic reactions but those visits have saved his life more than once. To me, it is shameful we live in a culture where people make people like me feel bad for receiving help. Can it be humiliating? Yes. But we do it for the good of our children and they are worth it.

One last thought I want to share is this:

People have been incredibly generous with my family. While JF was in the NICU and the months that followed people gave and supported us in so many ways. Then, just recently, people have once again provided for us. And in between these two events have been many generous acts and gifts from family and friends. All of these times we didn't ask for anything but the goodness in people, encouraged by the Holy Spirit, decided to help and so they did.

Over the years I have tried to convey how grateful we are for these gifts, hand-me-downs, meals, and other generous deeds but I always knew what I was saying was falling short. I hope those people who have been so generous will now have a better understanding of how large of an impact they (you) have all had on my family. We have not forgotten what you have done for us and we remain grateful.

The Series:
Introduction
Crosses & Chai Tea
How We Make It Work

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Financial Hardships & Surprise Pregnancies: Crosses & Chai Tea

Welcome back to the Financial Hardships & Surprise Pregnancies series. The posts include: 
Introduction

Crosses & Chai Tea

How We Make It Work

and a follow up post:
God Works Differently in All Our Lives: Sex, Money, Suffering, and Grace

We have five kids and I'm pregnant with my sixth. I am a stay at home mom. My husband is a public high school teacher.

Our family of eight lives in a three bedroom ranch, a solidly built home with a nice, large, unfinished basement, thread-bare carpet, rickety windows that will shatter into dangerous shards, nice-enough-but-really-pretty-ugly bathrooms and kitchen, and a nice big yard that would be amazing after about $2,000 worth of work.

Okay, actually the yard just is amazing but I would really love to put in about $2,000 worth of work into it (evergreens for privacy here, a gorgeous waterfall there, a fire pit, some boxwoods and Rose of Sharons by the fence, and more mulch than you can imagine).

We drive around in a mini-van with a wonky radiator. If you ever see me on the side of the road with the hood up I am probably fine, I just need to release the pressure that has built up from air bubbles in the coolant. When the new baby comes we won't all fit in it and our best chance for a new one is tax refund time, though that money was supposed to go towards new windows and paying down debt.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I'm prone to over-sharing a bit, but also because I have had some friends specifically request that I write about how our family manages to get by financially with so many mouths to feed, and how we decide to bring more kids into our budget-tight family.

I don't really have a very pretty answer, nor an easy one. We live right at the poverty line for the state of Illinois but I don't think we are what you would think of when you picture a family living in poverty. We have cell phones, Netflix, wifi, two cars, toys to play with, clothes to wear, and food to eat. We send our kids to private school. I have a KitchenAid mixer and we have an iPad. Now most of those things were gifts, or second hand, or straight out charity, or floor models purchased at deep holiday discounts with money from second jobs (looking at you, mixer).

Of course you wouldn’t know that and so I wonder about all the other families who live at or below the poverty line. I wonder how many live around me and how many I know and how similar we are. I wonder if they have ever cried with worry about how they will pay bills or buy Christmas presents. I wonder if they’ve ever had to put food back on the shelf at the grocery store. I wonder if they ever have to confess resenting people who tell them they went to Disney but it was affordable because they didn’t stay at a park hotel. I wonder if they worry about the balance of feeding their family on a limited budget and having malnourished kids.

Mostly I think about it when it comes to food. Right now I have a container of chai tea concentrate in the fridge. It was on sale for just under $3 and usually it costs almost $5. I know this because I look at it every week at the grocery store and wish I could buy it. But I can't afford $5 for chai tea concentrate and so 48 weeks out of the year I do not make that purchase. $5 can buy two packages of the Turkey Selects hot dogs, possibly 2lbs of sausage, a gallon of milk and a carton of eggs, five loaves of bread, five bags of frozen veggies, a variety of fresh produce, two boxes of cereal, a canister of oatmeal and James' milk, a pound of ground beef, two bags of chips, a package of diapers, OR a tube of toothpaste and some tissues. $5 buys things my family needs and so, unless I have extra pocket money, I don't spend that money on something I want.

But two weeks ago I had a bit of extra money and the chai was on sale and so I splurged and bought it. I've been enjoying it but every time I look in the fridge and see the chai sitting there but not a lot of anything else I feel guilty. I wish I wouldn't have bought the chai.

Now, we use the envelope system. Twice a month, when my husband is paid, I am given $300. I use $50 for gas, which has to last for 2 weeks. I use $120 each Monday for groceries for the week. I have $10 left over - sometimes more when gas is cheap - to spend as I wish. Sometimes that buys us a convenient McDonald's dinner or at least a large diet Dr. Pepper to soothe my worried mind. Sometimes it buys a kid's birthday present or pays for a field trip. Sometimes I use it to buy gas because we've driven a little bit more than usual and I have no more cash for gas. Sometimes I spend it on groceries because $120 doesn't always get too far.

All this to say: I shouldn't have bought that chai. I should I have purchased some more frozen veggies or a pint of strawberries. My $10 of “mad money” isn’t really mine - it’s buffer money - and I hate that I was selfish and impulsive.

The funny thing is, if our student loans were all paid off we would be totally comfortable living off my husband’s paycheck and the little side jobs we do. My loan is almost gone (less than $3k left) but my husband’s loans will be around for awhile. We have a bit of credit card debt - something we wouldn’t have if we didn’t have the student loans, if we weren’t living in fixer-uppers, and if we weren’t occasionally stupid - and looking at our budget we know that to get rid of those things would be incredibly freeing for our family. We don’t regret our college educations but we do regret other financial decisions we made, especially early on in our marriage.

So I’m just throwing that out there: if we had less debt to pay on each month our family of almost eight would be living comfortably while still sitting at the poverty line. There still wouldn’t be Disney vacations, but we wouldn’t be worried about buying a new van, or having an extra $50 a month in the grocery budget, and we wouldn’t have to pick up extra work for swimming lessons.

And how have we discerned to have more kids? Well, we haven’t - not since Resa. All of our boys and the baby I’m currently pregnant with have been surprises. Honestly, with our financial situation I feel like we have just reason to not have any more babies for awhile, if ever again. But obviously, God thought otherwise.

My super fertility, the long periods of abstinence that comes with it, and the super tight budget it has brought has all made me spend a great deal of time reflecting on what the Church teaches about vocations and marriage. I am convinced that there are things about me, Travis, and our marriage that need to be refined, made holier, and purified, and God is allowing us to suffer through financial hardship while asking us to joyfully accept surprise pregnancies so that very act of sanctification can happen.

My crosses and blessings are mine - God has specifically picked them out for me so that I can better do what I want most: to know, love, and serve Him and to be holy as He is holy. Every individual’s crosses and blessings are just as specific to them, especially for those of us who are striving to follow the Lord. God has lovingly picked them all out for all of us.

So did I believe we should probably be done? Yes. Was that partially because of fear and anxiety? Yes. Does perfect love cast out fear? Yes. Do I feel like God is asking me to trust Him? Yes. So I will trust and we’ll keep doing what we’re doing, loving one another and our kiddos and our God. And very, very rarely splurging on chai tea concentrate.

You can come back tomorrow for final post How We Make It Work, where I talk about what we actually do to stretch our dollars, live off one salary, and provide for a family of 8. And if you haven't read the Introduction yet, please click here.

The Series:

Introduction

Crosses & Chai Tea

How We Make It Work

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Financial Hardships & Surprise Pregnancies: An Introduction

This week I will be running a very small series responding to several people’s request that I write about having a large family while not having a lot of money.

The Series:
Introduction
Crosses & Chai Tea
How We Make It Work

and a follow up post:
God Works Differently in All Our Lives: Sex, Money, Suffering, and Grace

I know that sharing specifics about personal budgets and finance is considered bad form but, after discussing it with my husband, I’m going to share some of those personal details. Some of what I’ll be sharing is, for me, very personal and I know we are opening ourselves up to judgement and critique and possibly ridicule by sharing these things.

However, I’m doing this in the hope that it may help a couple who is struggling with the decision of whether or not to expand their family, or one who has been surprised to learn that their family is expanding. I’m also hoping that it may be helpful for a family who is struggling financially; maybe part of our family’s system will help them. Or at least I always think it is nice to know I’m not alone in my particular hardship.

Because I am writing the coming posts from a place of great vulnerability I don’t want to fill the posts with clarifications and asides, I just want to share about my specific family and our specific situation.  

I hope it is understood by everyone that I do not believe (nor does the Church teach) that large families are “more Catholic” than small families. And I wholeheartedly believe that not everyone is called to have a big family - there are legitimate reasons to space or be completely done having children. I also know there’s a big difference between having zero, one, or two kids and having nice things and having zero, one, or two kids so you can have nice things. Again, I am talking about my family and our ways - not commenting on anyone else’s.

I also hope no one will make comments about my husband’s and my decision to follow the teachings of the Catholic Church and not contracept. We firmly believe, and think science makes obvious, that life begins at conception, that we were wonderfully and fearfully made, and that God asks sex to be open to life. (You can read more about those teachings here if you’d like.)

Finally, I want to say that Yes, we are living this life because it’s the life we’ve chosen. We chose to take out student loans. We chose to pay for things with a credit card. We chose to not contracept or abort any of our babies. Travis chose to go into teaching and I chose to be a stay at home mom (Although daycare for five kids? It wouldn’t even be worth it for me to work!) We have chosen to follow the teachings of the Catholic Church. We have chosen to make these sacrifices because we believe that in the end, no matter how hard things may be now (and how hard it is for even us to see it), it is worth it.

It’s worth it to choose life. It is worthwhile to choose life over death, over the impossibility of more life,  or over things and experiences. And it is worth it because life is worth living.

The Series:

Introduction

Crosses & Chai Tea

How We Make It Work

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Let me pray for you, for Pete's sake

In this month where we acknowledge all the parents who have lost babies during pregnancy, at birth, as infants, I wanted to bring back an old tradition from here. On the fifteenth of each month I would gather prayer requests for those who carry the cross of infertility or the loss of a child.

As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.

You may share your prayer request in the comment box. Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.