January 21, 2013

How November Shook Me Up for January

The summer after high school graduation I was in a beauty pageant.  (I should probably be much more embarrassed about that than I am.)  During the private interview portion of the competition the judges asked me about my desire to be a wife and mom.  One of the judges, the father of two young adults, said to me, "But there's so much that's wrong with the world.  I would never want to bring another child into this world, to make them suffer through all the horrible things that happen.  Don't you feel like you'd only be giving your children pain and sorrow?"

I was taken aback by his question but I earnestly answered him that I wanted to raise the types of kids who would only make the world a better place, that the world- if only their small corner of it- would be better because they were there.

I believed that for a long time but now I'm wavering.  More and more I think of that judge and his words and I worry in my heart and my gut that he was right.

Since November 4th I've been terribly disheartened.  I'm just gonna say it: I am dumbfounded and ashamed at the number of Christians who voted for a man who thinks this is okay.  I read a post by Fr. John Hollowell and he said, "a child grasping for breath on the abortionist’s table is granted dignity solely based on the wishes of the mother. The abortionist, and our President, like the emperors in the Colosseum of Rome, wait for the thumb up or down of the mother to decide whether the child lives or dies."

What he said is spot on - our President, when he was a Senator for my home state, voted three times to withhold medical attention to a baby who has survived an abortion.  And Christians voted for him to lead our country?  Why?!  Because his stance on taxes or student loans or education or immigration or free contraception is in line with what they want / believe?  How does 3,500 abortions a day in the US not outweigh a tax break?  I don't understand.  And my heart is heavy and I'm disgusted.

And so I worry that I'm just giving my kids a world of pain and sorrow and I'm not doing anything to make it better.  I'm not doing enough for those babies and I'm not doing enough for their parents, the parents who chose Choice, the parents I am not filled with anger or hatred for, just compassion, sadness, and regret because we didn't give them a better choice.

I know that I am not supposed to stay here, in this emotional place; I believe God wants me to feel this sadness because He wants me to do something with it.  I know I am not do despair but to work even harder so that me and my kids do make the world a better place.  But I'm left with the struggle of finding out how to do it, especially on the eve of the Roe v. Wade anniversary.

And I need to not be bitter about the election.  Oi vey, that one is gonna be the harder one of the two, believe you me.


  1. Oh Bonnie! I know where you're coming from. We live in a world where evil is increasingly called good and good is called evil. It's sick. But Christ our Light is our hope!

    I wrote a comment on your November-funk post the other day and when I hit publish, it was erased (grrr!) I will rewrite it here in hopes that it might help someone...and perhaps you.

    When I was about 5 months postpartum with #2, I was finally came to terms with the fact that I was having a heck of lot of BAD days - going to bed dreading the next day, etc. and *very few* good days. Anger, anxiety, overwhelmed, very little joy, etc. No prizes for guessing that I had post-partum depression. But I still felt like meds were a cop-out...until I started a very low dose of Prozac at my Dr.'s suggestion.

    It brought me a healthy dose of perspective and ability to parent my children. After much prayer, (feeling like I was leaning on a drug to change my heart) the Lord led me to an understanding of the prozac being similar to my thyroid medication - it makes up for a real lack. Do I hope that I'm cured and can go off the meds? Of course! But is it a crutch? No! I still have bad days, but not *all* my days are bad - and I don't find myself always responding to my children's antics by snapping/yelling/wishing that Jesus would just *come back already and get me out of here!!!*

    So, having said all that, judging from the fact that your funk is going on months here, I think you might benefit from seeing your dr who can lead you through some questions to ascertain if you might benefit from a little medical assistance.

    (Note: many people also benefit from therapy in order to retain their thought processes, in combination with an anti-depressant. I've been blessed to be quite well-formed in a Christian environment, so I had those tools in my tool-box already and the prozac enabled me to unlock that box and use them again!)

    Prayers for you!

    1. *retrain their thought processes.* and ps, my depression was catapulted to a new level by a very minor fender-bender I was involved in, so it's not out of the question that the election etc could be a catalyst for a worsening of symptoms.

  2. Don't be discouraged. that man was wrong!

    look, all the people that believe in abortion are people that usually have no kids or 1 or 2 kids. Now, all the people that don't believe in it are the people that have more than 2 usually, so statistically... we will win in the end. We are raising a new generation of children that KNOW the truth about abortion. All my children know its wrong and have a desire to do something about it. I knwo you feel like you are doing nothing--but you are, you are in a special place of bringing up the new generation to fight the madness.

    and those people that do believe in it--they are just ignorant. They were fed lies by satan. They don't know any better. If they truly saw it,if they truly knew all the details I don't think they could reason it away.

    have hope:)

  3. I often struggle against the fear that I'm raising all these children simply to be swallowed up and consumed by the toxic culture we're living in. But I think these thoughts are from the enemy. Who else hates life so much that he tries to make mothers doubt the wisdom of having children?

    After I wrote my conversion story, people started asking Ken to write his. The other day, I asked him about it again, because even I didn't know what path God took him down. You know what he said? He said that it wasn't any one big thing, or even a number of big things. Instead, it was a lifetime of contact with people who mentioned their faith casually. The Catholic school kids at the bus stop who mentioned going to Mass. The friends who married in the Church whose weddings Ken attended. The neighbor who would spend all his spare time tending his parish's grounds. Shoot, even the bells from the Catholic church we lived right next to. It was a lifetime of tiny little casual meetings that built on each other and ultimately resulted in Ken converting.

    I think the pro-life movement will work the same way. Each pro-abortion person who has casual contact with the pro-life movement will store those meetings up in their heart and it will build and build. Each ultrasound shared on FB, each sincere "congratulations!" offered in response to a baby announcement, all these things will shine light into the darkest thing human beings do to each other.

    Without passionate pro-life people like you, nurturing not only the next generation, but the whole world around you, the darkness grows unchecked. Don't ever think that your actions aren't enough. Just look at Ken. It was the combined witness of a lifetime of people that brought him to the Church. Your actions are done with love, and therefore enough.

  4. I really liked this. Thanks for sharing.

  5. I really liked this. Thanks for sharing.

  6. Whomever Cari is ; Amen.
    Bonnie the post is so relatable, and Cari, your response was JUST what I needed to read as a nice puzzle piece fit.

  7. You just have a way with words. Everything you write is so well thought out. This is no exception :) I think about this often too, but the answer you gave to the having kids question, that is what keeps us going.

  8. I think these exact same thoughts. I recently discovered your blog and am so glad that I did. One day I will write to you and tell you how Mary interceded for my son when he was born at home and could not breathe and had to be airlifted to the hospital when he was only minutes old. Thanks for sharing so candidly. Lauren

  9. Okay, I know that this is an old posting, but I am just reading it now. Absolutely heartbreaking. I didn't know that detail about how he voted three times to withhold medical attention. How is that doing everything in our power to make ALL our children feel safe and protected, as he spoke of in his inauguration speech? I wish I had more courage to speak out against this kind of injustice, like you do, but I'm always afraid of getting shot down by a person's opposite opinion, convincing myself that I could never really change their minds anyway. I pray that more of us can find the strength to speak up for those beautiful, innocent lives. Perhaps naively, I wish everyone could just be nice and respect others. If only life could be as simple as that. Thank you again for saying what's true, Bonnie. I'd like to hope that it will inspire me to do the same.

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