Little Moment Parenting

For a really long time I was trying to do what I thought of as Big Picture Parenting.

My goal was for my kids to have happy childhoods with traditions and outings and fun memories. I wanted them to be well-formed: virtuous, happy, kind, with a love of books and an appreciation for trying new food.

I didn't really know how or even if I would be able to reach that goal but I decided I'd just do my best, keep them fed, relatively clean, teach them their prayers, and have them play outside a little every day and with a wing and a prayer they'd end up that way.

All the little things throughout every day didn't matter too much because in the end they'd just have a Big Picture of what their childhoods had been and as long as that Big Picture looked good I had done a good job.

But in the quiet and the still I was also worried, and confused. I had always been a great babysitter, which made me think I'd be a great mom. But I really wasn't and over the last five years I've wondered many times why I wasn't a great mom. What had happened to the fun young woman who would act silly, be patient with mistakes, be okay with a mess, and be willing to do something spur of the moment and fun? I kept trying to pray more, to go to confession more, to try to rely on Christ's strength but I just wasn't getting any better. If this was a cross that I was given to grow in holiness, well I just was not doing it.

Then one day a couple of months ago I realized that while I was not necessarily depressed I was angry, anxious, and stressed; I had postpartum depression, perhaps with a little bit of post traumatic stress disorder. So I began treatment and after three weeks of medication I noticed something:

My kids, husband, and home were happier. I was happier. That mystery of what had happened to the fun, patient woman was solved by a little blue pill. (This is not to say that Christ wasn't enough. Speaking only for myself and my situation, I really believe that God wanted me to set aside my pride and get medical help so that my mind and body would be well enough to work with the grace He was wanting to give me.)

For the first few weeks I would catch myself reacting graciously and generously to my children and I'd mentally pull back from the moment. "Aha!" I'd shout in my head, "This is the medication working." I could see how loved they felt. I could see them relax because they could get it wrong and it would be okay - I'd let them try again and not flip my lid. Life and motherhood still tested my patience and allowed for the opportunity to grow in virtue but it was manageable.

It was in those "Aha" moments that I finally realized something: my Big Picture Parenting was bound to fail because I had gotten so many of the little moments wrong. I had been hoping for a forest of happy memories to make up a Happy Childhood but then realized that I didn't have enough trees, so to speak.

So now I'm trying a new approach to parenting: Little Moment Parenting. (It's what I call it in my head, as I remind myself of what I need to do.)

It's not that I'm setting aside the Big Picture, but I am definitely being more intentional with the Little Moments. I'm trying to fix the way I guide, interact with, and respond to my kids so that they will begin to change the way they follow, interact with, and initiate towards me. I don't want them to just say, "I had a happy childhood." I want them to say, "We had a safe, loving, happy home." I want them to tell their grandkids about their Mom, a woman who was generous with her patience, compassion, mercy, love, and fun. I don't want them to just have a forest of a Happy Childhood; I want them to have all the trees, the stories that will warm their hearts, make them laugh, and remind them - long after I am gone - of how much I love them.