the wait was well worth it

It all began when I first heard the Goyte song Somebody That I Used to Know, which means this post has been floating around in my head for about two months.  In case you don't know the song I'll put a fully clothed cover of it right here, though you can find the original song and video here.



Every time I listen to this song I think of the somebodies that I used to know, guys I once dated / hung out with / crushed on / flirted with / impressed with my "flux capacitor" t-shirt.  Some of the guys I kissed, some I did not.  Some of the guys I remember with great embarrassment and some I can barely remember at all.  Pretty much all of them that I kissed I wish I had not.

And all of this makes me thank God that I was a virgin when I got married.  Unfortunately there are guys in that list above with whom I did more than kiss; there were times when being pure and chaste were not of the highest importance.  There were times when we were not leaving much room at all for the Holy Spirit.  And honestly, it makes me a little sick to my stomach when I think about that.  I really do regret those relationships with guys who are no more than people that I used to know and I simultaneously am very grateful that I never had sex with them.

Having run in Christian circles for a long time I have heard a kabillion times why I should "save myself for marriage."  When I was young and single I pretty much thought it was a good idea, with a dash of doing what the Church told me, with a healthy dose of fear of pregnancy, STDs, and having people disappointed in me.  But now that I am married I can see all the reasons why it was so good that I did wait and many of those reasons I don't think I could have ever fully appreciated without knowing what I know now.

One reason I'm super glad I didn't have sex outside of marriage is because I married a virgin.  He didn't have to worry about any tag-along diseases I was bringing into the marriage and neither did I.  Our conversation about sex was pretty easy to have:  You've never had sex?  I've never had sex.  I'll see ya on our wedding night.  It was completely clear that the pressure to have sex would not be present during our dating or our engagement (which is not to say we weren't tempted).

So when our wedding night came, well, it was awkward and painful. I won't go into any details, I'll just stick with those two adjectives. The good thing, though, is that I was with my best friend and a man who was 100% committed to me.  My husband and I laughed together as we figured things out together.  I didn't have to be sexy or afraid. I didn't feel vulnerable or unsure if I was making a good decision.  When I have seen scenes in movies or tv of a couple losing their virginity or even just having sex together for the first time (scenes I am assuming are based on real people's real experiences) it is nothing like what I experienced.  And I what I experienced was my husband loving me, adoring me, enjoying being with the whole of me.  He was giving 100% of himself to me.  Only me.  Always me.  Looking into my eyes, wanting only me forever.  It was truly beautiful.  While still remaining awkward and painful. 

Closely related to all that is the fact I never had to worry about him comparing me to some other woman he'd slept with (was she thinner, prettier, better in bed?) and vice versa.  As it turned out the man I was meant to marry was engaged to someone before me.  Their relationship was pretty pure but I still felt a lot of insecurity (because I'm insecure) especially in the beginning of our marriage.  Had he been sexually active with his former fiance it would have been very, very difficult for me.  I realize that this  may not be the same for everyone but for my husband it would have been.  I suspect that this single issue would still be rearing its ugly head, especially when our marriage hits a rough patch.  It's better to not even have that issue to deal with.

Lastly, I do want to say that of the guys I dated and did not marry there is only one whom I completely respect and sincerely wish the best.  Unlike all the other guys I do not consider him "somebody that I used to know" but instead as a man that I briefly dated.  The only thing that separates him from the others is that his intentions were clear and godly and he never even held my hand.  I think those things illustrate the amount of respect he had for my eternal soul and for my future husband.  I can appreciate any man who is that good, especially a man who has that much respect for the man I did marry - whom I consider to be the best of men.

I do not assume that all the people who read this were or will be virgins on their wedding day and I sincerely hope I didn't shame or judge you.  I have enough to be ashamed about and I didn't write this post to make myself look or feel better.  But if you are still a virgin I hope that sharing my experiences may reaffirm the decisions you've made.  And if you are unmarried but not a virgin I pray that something I wrote will make you rethink your decision to be sexually active outside of marriage. 

I was 25 when I got married and the wait was well worth it.  The man I gave, not lost but gave, my virginity to is not "somebody that I used to know."  He is not a person who "screwed me over" and I had to cut out of my life.  He was a man who waited for me, not even knowing it was me he was waiting for.  He is a man of virtue, character, and selflessness.  He is a man who loves and adores me.  He is a man who I can wholly give myself to and trust that he will protect, love, and care for me for the rest of his life.  Like I said, the wait was well worth it.

*****

If you're interested I also point you to this article from the New York Times, The downside of cohabitating before marriage.

And now watch this: