Recently my Facebook newsfeed showed me a bit of information about a woman I know only in a professional way: She liked Fifty Shades of Grey.
I'm not saying this to show you what a good girl I am. I am saying this because I want you to know that I am afraid of the slippery slope which I'm sure I would eventually tumble down. I want you to know that it is easier for me to stand far away from the edge because I know myself and I'm pretty sure that if I allowed myself to watch Fifty Shades or Wolf of Wall Street or Magic Mike that a very easy next step could be hard porn, internet porn, and other things I don't even know about at this point.
Basically, I'm trying to say that in one sense I have no idea what I'm talking about but at the same time I am well aware of what my sins are and what I need to do stay away from.
And I do know that if you shamelessly enjoy porn, I don't want to know about it. Especially if the only way I know you is as a professional! Knowing that you kick back with a glass of wine and read about S&M at the end of a long day, knowing that you willingly share this info on Facebook, knowing that you are sending friend requests to people you know only from a professional setting - it makes me not want to see you professionally any more. How can I trust the decisions you will make professionally when you completely lack common sense in regards to social media?
However:
To those of you who do read or watch porn and you want to stop...
To those of you who worry that you are addicted to porn and you are ashamed and feel trapped...
To those of you who are wanting to share your burden with someone who can encourage you, pray for you, and listen to you without condemning you...
I do want to know.
And I want you to know that truly, honestly I won't judge you and I won't think you're a sleaze or a creep or a horrible person. Sometimes it's just so good to finally tell someone about the shit so you can start to clean it up. There may not be a lot I can actually do, but sincerely I am telling you that if you need to tell someone about this struggle, you can tell me.
You may also want to check out The Porn Effect and Chastity Project.
Basically, I'm trying to say that in one sense I have no idea what I'm talking about but at the same time I am well aware of what my sins are and what I need to do stay away from.
And I do know that if you shamelessly enjoy porn, I don't want to know about it. Especially if the only way I know you is as a professional! Knowing that you kick back with a glass of wine and read about S&M at the end of a long day, knowing that you willingly share this info on Facebook, knowing that you are sending friend requests to people you know only from a professional setting - it makes me not want to see you professionally any more. How can I trust the decisions you will make professionally when you completely lack common sense in regards to social media?
However:
To those of you who do read or watch porn and you want to stop...
To those of you who worry that you are addicted to porn and you are ashamed and feel trapped...
To those of you who are wanting to share your burden with someone who can encourage you, pray for you, and listen to you without condemning you...
I do want to know.
And I want you to know that truly, honestly I won't judge you and I won't think you're a sleaze or a creep or a horrible person. Sometimes it's just so good to finally tell someone about the shit so you can start to clean it up. There may not be a lot I can actually do, but sincerely I am telling you that if you need to tell someone about this struggle, you can tell me.
You may also want to check out The Porn Effect and Chastity Project.
Yep, what you said Bonnie! Couldn't agree with you more! In my newsfeed recently I read a thread of ladies making plans for a girl's night to see "Magic Mike". We are being desensitized. Have you heard the analogy of the frog in boiling water? We are the frog who is gradually boiling itself to death in this culture of death. Praise God for His Way, Truth and Life and for the culture of life! I have hope and trust in our Savior, yet at the same time I fear for what our world will be like as my children age and God willing raise their own families or choose other worthwhile vocations unsure emoticon So much to pray for, huh?
ReplyDeleteIt's a slow death, cultural-wide burnout. Stuff that I found shocking in blockbuster movies as a relatively agnostic college student is now common fodder on network tv. The 13 channels I get on the screen at the gym are enough to have 2 of them dedicated to an almost continuous rotation of soft porn. (FX is one of them, I can't think of the other's name) It's crazy how pervasive it is, especially in "good" Christian families. Nobody is safe, and nobody is immune. It's so essential that we educate our children and have open, honest conversations between spouses, between friends, between parents and children. I've had so many "oh, that's not a problem for me so I don't worry about it" encounters with women and I want to reach out and shake them and shout "yes, it *is* a problem for you...it's a problem for all of us. It's killing souls and it's destroying our culture, and I am sick and angry that eventually my sweet little boys are going to stumble upon it on Facebook, in Barnes and Noble, on their friend's smartphone...there's no such thing as immune when it comes to porn. It's an epidemic.
ReplyDeleteShort version: thank you for writing this.
I agree wholeheartedly, m'dear.
ReplyDeleteDo you professionally trust people who are food gluttons or overspend on material goods, people with too many shoes, unhealthily run too many marathons or follow all the fad diets around, or those who are misers? I totally get your blog post--the shameless sharing of what used to be, should be, a private struggle of porn addiction/usage. I just wanted to shed some light that there are other sins and indiscretions that show poor common sense and judgement. Do we treat sexual sins differently?
ReplyDeleteShe very clearly said that the lack of trust in the decision making is not a result of the fact that the person struggles with the sin, but a result of the poor decision to share it on the World Wide Web with anyone and everyone. That was really clear.
DeleteGabrielle, I get your point but I didn't write a post about ALL the sins for a reason. I wanted to focus on porn because while I have heard women confess pretty much every thing else you typed out I've never heard a woman share about her struggle with porn, even though I know it has to be an issue for my friends and readers. Speaking specifically on one sin in one blog post does not mean that I am treating it differently.
DeleteAnd to answer your question: If people are doing those things and proudly talking about it online despite the fact that they are self-professed Christians who know they are sinning and don't care, sharing their sins with people they only know professionally, then yes. I would lack their trust of common sense, maturity, and ability to make good decisions, too.
Not sure that saying one likes 50 Shades is proudly talking about it. And I think that most of us, if we see the details of someone's 10th marathon in two months or a pic of the 25th pair of shoes, we don't professionally discount them.
DeleteIn your response, you mention a person sharing these things as a self-professed Christian. To me, that is a reason to question her common sense, as one should beware scandal.
DeleteThe thing that came to my mind when reading your comment Gabrielle, was Saint John Paul II's response to one of his students at the University of Lublin, who asked, "How come you talk so much about sexuality? There are more important things." He responded: "There's nothing wrong with sexuality itself, but the abuse of sexuality is the main obstacle to spirituality." While other sins and indiscretions show poor common sense and judgment, I think that Saint John Paul was completely right in pointing out that sexual sins are especially important to talk about. Shameless over sharing about eating a whole pizza by yourself or spending a thousand dollars on a new purse (while not a sensible nor prudent thing to do) is not the same as shamelessly over sharing about watching a movie about S&M. Shamelessly admitting to such an act normalizes what such a movie represents--a movie which not only distorts the vision of true and authentic love between a man and a woman, but attempts to corrupt and challenge it as a whole. Since sexual sins are so connected to our concept of love, it is truly important to treat them a little differently (or, in my opinion, to speak about them a little louder than others). Most of the problems and obstacles in our world come from a distorted outlook of love, and so it is truly important to talk about these things. It is so much more honorable for someone to mention how she actually has to actively stay away from such a movie in order to avoid falling into the pitfall of sin that may come from watching it, than it is to just sit back and allow our world to continue to try and normalize the things which such a movie represents. Thanks for sharing Bonnie!
DeleteHey Bonnie, Great post! There are a couple of stories over at Conversation with Women about recovering from porn use. One is written by a woman whose husband used porn and try to coerce her to use http://www.conversationwithwomen.org/2013/11/08/porn-almost-destroyed-my-marriage/ . Another is written by a young woman that stumbled upon porn innocently enough and was addicted before she really knew what hit her http://www.conversationwithwomen.org/2014/11/07/porn-addiction-shame-thrive-darkness/ . In both stories, the authors are recovering and have found their faith to be a great support and strength! Another resource for porn recovery is http://reclaimsexualhealth.com/ Vicki Thorn speaks very highly of Reclaim
ReplyDeleteI never read 50 shades for many reasons. talking to people, I don't think they associate 50 shades with porn. I don't know why but I have noticed literature based erotica seems to be a grey area for many people. I disagree. she may truly be ignorant of the book being porn or she could have allowed social pressure to goad her into liking it.
ReplyDeleteI have gotten some comments about my favorite being D.H . Lawrence, and I don't consider him porn.
sorry some of my comment was eaten. I disagree with the concept of erotica being a grey area. To me, it's porn since it's purely sex for sex's sake.
DeleteI very much enjoy your honesty, Bonnie! Great post.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't forget about the movement http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/ !!! It's encouraging to see the alarm sounding and action being taken about the harmful effects of porn not just on the individuals, but on all the connected relationships in the larger societal structures.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't forget about the movement http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/ !!! It's encouraging to see the alarm sounding and action being taken about the harmful effects of porn not just on the individuals, but on all the connected relationships in the larger societal structures.
ReplyDelete