A sudden retreat and a re-entry

Last Friday afternoon I stood in my kitchen and a post from a fellow blogger caught my eye. It was a wonderful post, well crafted and cleverly promoted, and I just thought to myself, "Why am I even doing this?" (This meaning blogging.)

I instantly felt discouraged, disappointed, embarrassed - humiliated even - and a little broken-hearted. I had an overwhelming need to retreat and so right then and there I deactivated my Facebook account and made my blog private. It was a completely spontaneous decision but it didn't take very long for me to see that it was a good one. I didn't know why I felt the way I did but it was obvious that I had some sorting out to do.

If you emailed, called, texted, tweeted, or in some other way reached out to ask me what was up, to tell me you were concerned, to let me know that you were praying for me - thank you. I did a lot of praying and thinking and I sincerely think your prayers helped with mine.

On Saturday I went on a walk to mull it all over and clear my head. I asked God to help me name specifically what caused the hurt and the need to retreat since I knew that such a strong reaction was not coming from something as small as a moment of blogging discontent.

On that walk the root of it all hit me; I named it; and a weight so incredibly heavy I was shocked to feel it lifted off my shoulders and floated to the sky. There it was.

This doesn't mean that the issue is gone; it's not.  I still need to work through it and the emotions that accompany it but it is so not oppressive any more. Also, now that I know it I can see what I need to do about it. But that's still going to take some time.

If you were on IG, you got the message. 

While my blog and Facebook were shut down I celebrated some feast days, cleaned my house, sat in silence, read a book, talked to friends, and had a really fruitful holy hour. I went back and read through all the responses from that readers' survey I did a few months back. I thought long and hard about why I blog and what I hope to give and get from it. I played around with some design things and had a lot of fun doing it. I reminded myself that blogging is a hobby and that if I'm not enjoying it I can just set it aside.

That little break, just a few days of privacy and hiding, was enough for me. So here we are, back in the blogosphere, ready to have fun.