It can be incredibly hard to communicate some things with perfect charity and clarity - this conversation brings up a lot of those things.
I'm afraid of someone finding it, sharing it with their supporters, and then getting hate mail. (Seriously, a woman I know wrote about homosexuality and then got emails from people saying they wanted to rape and murder her kids.)
I love and have good relationships with several people who are gay. I don't know if they read this blog or not but I never, ever, ever want my space to be a place where they would ever feel disrespected, bullied, or insulted.
Now, I wholeheartedly submit to the teachings of the Catholic Church: sex is only for marriage and marriage is a holy sacrament, meant for one man and one woman. Marriage is for a lifetime, it should be faithful, and it should be filled with life. I believe these teachings to be true and right and good, even if living them out can sometimes be hard, and maybe even painful. Maybe even lonely.
I am not attracted to women and so I don't know what that would feel like- to have the Church and therefore God my Creator tell me that I can't marry the person I love. I suppose it would be a similar feeling for a divorced woman who wants to remarry but cannot because her first marriage was valid. I suppose it would feel painful and lonely.
When it comes to issues of sex and sin and I tend to live by the belief that sexual sin is sexual sin. I shouldn't commit it, neither should you, and otherwise I'll leave most everything else up to God. But I will put my foot down when people make homosexuality* out to be a bigger sin than any other. Maybe, in some cases, it is. Sometimes, in some cases, it isn't. Perhaps that man with his porn, or that woman who is sleeping around, or that couple who is contracepting are worse sinners than those men who got married during the Rose Parade. Weighing that is one of the things I am leaving to God, but I know that the Church does not teach that homosexuality is the worst sin.
My post on television show recommendations got a comment that I felt was uncharitable towards people with same sex attraction. I responded in a way that also lacked charity. A couple other people commented in completely respectable ways but I went ahead and deleted all of them. The post was supposed to just be a fun list of tv shows, not a commentary on what shows may or may not push agendas. I do apologize to the commenter for jumping to such harsh conclusions and I hope that she will forgive me.
I also hope that people will understand that in this place it is okay to discuss Church teaching and homosexuality and culture but that we must all strive to be careful with our words and intentions and the conclusions we jump to. I hope you will help me to master the virtues needed for that and I hope we will all speak first with charity.
* UPDATE to clarify: being attracted to someone of the same sex is not a sin.
Thank you Bonnie. I sometimes wonder if, in the digital world, when discussing ssa, Jesus thinks us "faithful Catholics" are the biggest Pharisees around. I will never forget someone once saying that where Jesus shows the MOST compassion in scripture is sexual sin. It is hard, it is personal. And it can result in a profound loneliness. I didn't see the comments, but I have watched comment threads in the Catholic blogging world when it comes to ssa and it twists my heart. In a few weeks, my ministry partner and I will be presenting a workshop to 100 or so Church professionals in the Archdiocese of Detroit on how to teach this teaching in a pastoral and inviting way. We will be teaching on the woman at the well, and how Christ approached the Samaritan, and contrast that against the approach most of us choose to take. Too often, we look at that particular teaching as a source of debate, a chance to make a stand against culture...rather than an opportunity to invite all to live in a deeper freedom. Hopefully that will change in time...
ReplyDeleteMary, I wish I could come to hear your talk. I think I would really glean a lot from it.
DeleteAnd I like that, about Jesus showing the most compassion for sexual sin. I'm going to ponder that one.
I don't have a blog, but I feel your pain in this area. I have a sister-in-law who is gay and has been with her partner for over 30 years. I also have several gay friends and at times feel as though I'm walking a thin line between being faithful and afraid of professing the truth.
ReplyDeleteI also wonder about TV shows/movies that have gay characters. There are many shows that I would like to watch or allow my children to watch, but I don't want to normalize ssa in their eyes. If we watch these shows and laugh and embrace the likeable characters, will they become confused about the issue? My dentist is obviously gay and he is so likeable I find myself wanting to support his relationship (like those politicians who were against gay marriage until their child came out, so now they realize it's okay).
This is such a touchy issue because I don't want to hurt those I love, or anyone else, but when I have made it clear I believe in all the Church teaches, my ssa family/friends become cool towards me. I suppose it is a good teaching moment for my kids, that even if we are met with coolness, we still love.
I would like some advise on the television viewing, however. What will you do when your kids get old enough to watch those shows?
My husband and I have talked about what to do when the kids don't go to bed at 7 (which is when we do all our TV watching). I think we will just have to stop watching some of the shows we watch now (ahem, Scandal, New Girl) and watch more family friendly shows with them, since they will be older then.
DeleteSometimes I feel like maybe that's a sign that I shouldn't be watching these shows now, but then I rationalize that I'm not sure if it's being hypocritical to say that we watch shows we don't want our young children to watch...we do lots of things that we don't want our children to do (drink, have sex, stay up late) things that will be appropriate for them when they reach the right age/get married.
However, I know personally I could reduce my tv viewing and increase my prayer life, and be more particular in what I watch. Hopefully I'm a work in progress :)
Tina,
DeleteRegarding how people "cool" towards you. I know what you mean as this has happened to me. I don't understand why we can't sort of agree to disagree. I'm used to people thinking my faith is bunk but still getting along with them - why can't it be so in these situations? I don't know, but it makes me sad.
Also, to answer your question: I don't know what we'll do. I'm learning as I go in some ways and when my kids are older I may have a very different opinion. But right now I would say that I would be okay with my kids watching a show with gay characters. I am not going to keep my kids away from gay people - the ones I know and I love I want my kids to be able to have relationships with because they're wonderful people! - so why would I hide them from gay characters? Of course other content may enter in to a tv show that would make it inappropriate for my kids or all of us to watch but, for example Thomas on Downton Abbey (what I've seen so far) and Diana on White Collar (of all the episodes on Netflix - we don't have cable so I don't know about the current season), I would have no problem with my kids watching those shows and characters. I would definitely use the show are opportunities to talk about same sex attraction, gay marriage, bullying, etc.
I don't want my kids to learn from my example that we should hide away people we don't like or agree with. Instead I want to teach them to appreciate people, even people who are living lives that aren't healthy or virtuous or in line with our personal beliefs as Catholics. I think tv can help us do that, can give us practice for real life.
Bonnie~
ReplyDeleteYou are so grace-filled. Well done.....this is beautiful. Thanks for being such a welcoming and kind spot on the web.
xoxox
~Chris
Sheen, as usually, sums it up beautifully. <3
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Your thoughts echo mine exactly. Homosexuality is a sin, but so are lots of things. I don't think we should concern ourselves with classifying certain sins as "more sinful" and "less sinful"--sin is sin, and we all do it. I think the best thing to do is keep stumbling towards God and hope that others follow:)
DeleteNice post, amazing quote. Thank you, Fulton Sheen!
ReplyDeleteBonnie, this is so well written. It's very hard to find charitable posts such as this one that still proclaim the truth and beauty of the Catholic Church. Thank you for writing this!
ReplyDeleteGood work Bonnie. It's way too easy to point at other people's sins and say, those are much worse than MY sins. It just isn't true. And it's not helpful to anyone involved.
ReplyDeleteAs for what to let kids watch. That one is tougher. As my kids have gotten older, I've become more discriminating in what I watch, and have just watched a lot less tv in general. Mostly we watch movies as a family, not TV. There just isn't much out there that would really qualify as "family viewing." It's all either edgy adult stuff or insipid kiddie stuff.
My kids have seen some old Doctor Who episodes but none of the reboot, because I have a kid who asks a lot of questions and I didn't want to have to explain Captain Jack to an 11 year old. I'm not sure at what age I'll feel that's appropriate.
Yes... it's almost like you'd have to take note of the "bad" Doctor Who episodes and weed those out of the viewing. But how to make that easy, I just don't know. I feel so far away from having kids who are old enough to watch such things that I just don't know. I'm sure high school is old enough for most kids to watch the shows I recommended, maybe even 7th or 8th grade.
DeleteI really do feel like tv, movies, books, art can be the beginnings of good conversations where we can help to form our kids and expose them to things in a controlled way. Drugs, violence, sex, people making bad choices... Even Captain Jack - as dumb as it may sound - I think I would talk to my kids about how he lost his family, his planet was destroyed, he's in a lot of pain and he's really lonely and so he tries to fill that void with sex and the thrill of the chase. Hopefully it would be an interesting conversation with theology and philosophy and personal experience and all done at an age appropriate level.
“If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?” Pope Francis I
ReplyDeleteI love your post. I feel that the ssa issue is a bigger issue because it is an issue that is touchy--it deals with real people's attractions and feelings. I think that some comments get "nasty" because there is real, not unfounded, fear and anger that homosexuality is everywhere in the media and politics right now, while traditional marriage and lifestyle choices are mocked or seen as unimportant.
ReplyDeleteSo, I do agree that homosexuality is not a greater sin than something else and that Jesus does, in fact, show great compassion to sexual sinners. But in today's world, it is the homosexual lifestyle that is being pushed while other sins are still seen as wrong--adultery, cheating, stealing... But thank you for showing a different side to this convo.
ReplyDelete