I also wanted to talk about how our family handles the St.
Nicholas with our kids and perhaps start a discussion about the Santa question,
gleaning advice from other experienced Moms about how to balance the Saint with
the reindeer-loving chubby man.
Instead, I’m going to be uncharacteristically unsarcastic
and talk about pain and the cross and the creche. Yes, we know it’s the hap-happiest season of
all: our homes soften in the glow of Christmas lights and sweet smells from the
kitchen. The music, parties, and even
that fun-loving Buddy Elf all somehow point to the joy of the Incarnation.
And yet, we feel acutely the pain of our neighbors in Newton
CT, we see their grief and the faces of their dead children. Even in this season of joy, suffering still
exists and at times, the darkness can seem too much in this world of ours. But St. John tells us, “A light shines in
the darkness and the darkness can not overcome it.” (John 1:5) This is the promise of our faith in Jesus
Christ as he invites each one of us to draw closer to the light of his grace
radiating from his humble manger.
This innocent Babe comes with the promise of everlasting
life, but not without the cross. God asks us to bear our pain and suffering
with love, faith, trust and peace for the sake of the whole world. Sometimes these lessons come hard learned.
Last Advent, I found out I was expecting our fourth child
and was pretty stunned. My first
thoughts were something along the lines of “Oh my gosh! I’m still nursing our third a ton and she is crazy!
This is our closest space yet! I
feel so unprepared! How can I homeschool? I didn’t loose all the baby weight!” (Yes, I know how vain that last one
sounds…) Of all the pregnancy
discoveries this was the first one that was received with more shock and tears
than joy and excitement. Thankfully, my
baby-loving husband’s enthusiasm helped me get used to the idea and I soon
found myself filling with peace and good-humor.
Bring on the CRAZY! I, also,
knew how utterly beside themselves with happiness my kids would be at the
prospect of welcoming a new baby into the family. My son had recently told me
that he “prayed all day and all night and couldn’t seem to get a brother
somehow.” Suddenly, I couldn’t wait to
be a mother of four at the ripe old age of 28!
Then we miscarried at 11 weeks a few days after
Christmas. I felt guilt and
sadness. I’d thought I’d have many years
to make up for that first negative reaction and show this baby how much he or
she was loved and wanted. But, like
those poor parents in Newton, I learned that life can be very short. And while, I don’t compare my loss to those
parents who grieve for their murdered children, I do understand a small bit how
tough it can be to lose a baby around Christmas. I do, however, remember feeling peace
whenever I knelt beside the crèche, my sadness wasn’t too big for this tiny
Child. And it was there, that I was
reminded of all the wonderful blessings He’d given me in this life.
Since that Advent, we’ve miscarried another little soul at 8
weeks and it appears, sadly, that once again I maybe miscarrying for the third
time, again, during the Christmas season.
(We are still praying for a miracle, but it appears to be exactly like
the other two miscarriages. Prayers
welcomed..)
One little way we found to honor our little angels this
Advent was to pour some love and help into the life another child. We’ve started sponsoring a little girl in
Kenya and the kids started contributing some money and writing letters to this
sweet little lady! The organization is
called Christian Foundation for Children and Aging and the website is http://www.cfcausa.org/. I know there are many other places to sponsor
a child as well.
Slowly, but surely, I am learning that God allows us to
experience pain so we can draw closer to Him and rely more heavily on His
grace. He has a plan for each of
us. Yes, He will ask all of us to drink
from this cup of suffering, but it is so very true that when we lay our burdens
and sorrows on Him, they become so much lighter. Advent is a beautiful time to be reminded of
the special love and grace Christ sends along with those crosses in life.
I always think of Mary and Joseph struggling to find a place
to give birth. I would have seriously
lost it, if I had to be in labor on a donkey and then have to give birth in a
dirty stable and yet, Mary found the grace to endure. God gives us all the grace and tonight, I
pray especially for those families who’ve lost their babies right before
Christmas. May Christ be the Light in
their darkness.
Kathleen is a wife, and mother on the East coast. Kathleen's finite talents include running the dishwasher daily and functioning strictly on decaf. You'll find her attempts at writing over at The Boring Blog.
PS from Bonnie - Kathleen is one of my favorite bloggers and may be among the best kept secrets of the blogosphere.
For more posts on Advent traditions and reflections check out the Advent series.
For more posts on Advent traditions and reflections check out the Advent series.
Thank you for sharing this, kathleen. It sometimes feels like I am the only one who feels guilty about being scared and unsure at the beginning of a pregnancy and the guilt is overwhelming at times. I will be praying for a miracle for your family. May Mary and the Holy Family bless you this Christmas.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this. I tend to freak out a bit at the beginning of a pregnancy, and it's good to be reminded that every little one is a gift -- not to be taken for granted. We will be praying for a Christmas miracle for you.
ReplyDeletesorry for your losses.
ReplyDeletepraying for a successful pregnancy for you this time
Thanks for your beautiful reflection; that scripture from John is one of my very favorites. Praying for you and your family and your baby.
ReplyDeleteOh, Kathleen...this was beautiful and heartbreaking. Please know you will be in my prayers. Wish I lived closer to give you a big hug. Truly.
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are lovely.
Praying for this little baby! And so sorry about the two babies you've lost. Thank you for this reflection.
ReplyDeleteThanks to all of you for the prayers, we haven't given up hope just yet!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Bonnie for the opportunity to write!
Oh Kathleen- thank you for writing this beautiful piece. I am praying for you and that newest little one.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this somber but hopeful reflection. My first child died shortly after his birth a few days after Christmas. Now I have a hard time finding joy in this season, and I feel like other people just don't see why. I contemplate Mary's earthly motherhood a lot - laboring on a donkey, giving birth in a stable far from family, hosting shepherds straight from the fields just a short time later. (I'm convinced that only someone immaculately conceived could have done all that without losing it!) Realizing that the first Christmas was probably pretty stressful helps me to accept grace and connect with the meaning of Christmas.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you and your littlest one!