**This is part II of the post, my thoughts on this good day.
For the most part, I spent the majority of my high school and college years telling people my end goal was to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to have a college education so I could always have the option of working if I needed or wanted, but I also felt that my vocation was to stay home with my kids. "My mission field will be my kitchen," I would tell people.
I still feel like that is true, but I never suspected how very hard mothering would be for me. And I had no idea that God would give me three children in two and a half years. With my three little kids every day gives me the opportunity to be overwhelmed by something. Many days I don't feel prepared for the life I'm living and that feeling can send me spiraling.
There is the expression "God doesn't call the equiped, He equips the called." But I tell Travis, "God did not equip me for this! He has left me unprepared and I am failing at this. I'm drowning!"
So, in order to feel like I'm keeping my head above water, I fill my days. Play groups, errands, visiting great grandparents, spending long days at my mom's house. I will take the long way home, I will drive a piece of paper somewhere when I should have just mailed it, I will find excuses (however good or bad) to load the kids in the car and drive them around. I want to feel busy and important and I want to interact with other adults. I also want to feel like I'm in control and that feeling is so much easier to come by when my children are strapped into carseats, quietly sucking down bottles or munching on pretzels.
Yet something I'm noticing is that my kids seem to do much better when we are home. It's just like the experts say - kids like routine - and I am able to consistantly structure their days when we are home. The mornings we awake, eat, dress, play. Maybe we run a simple errand or go to a playgroup, but then we come home for lunch, naps and quiet time, an afternoon of playing, dinner, books, bed. Oh doesn't that sound nice? It is.
I think my kids need less of the "more" I was forcing upon them so I could fill my days, and more of me. More time playing on the floor, baking, reading, snuggling, talking with me.
I'm not sure what to do with the feelings of being overwhelmed. In a good moment I offer them up for the Body of Christ. In one of the many bad moments I curse and yell and expect too much out of my daughter. But I'm pretty sure I can't keep trying to run away from these feelings. Especially in a mini van.