cookie swallow #2

Results are in:  Inconclusive. 
That's what you all wanted to know, but now I'm going to make you read through a long post to get all the details.

I have been praying so much, requesting over and over again that God will heal James and that today's cookie swallow would go well.  Over the past two and a half weeks my prayers have morphed from a small, scared "please God, help him," to a confident, "In the Name of Christ Jesus, heal my son."  I spent some time after that praying, "what is You will what is Your will what is Your will WHAT IS YOUR WILL?!"  That turned into, "Oh my God oh my God I'm so scared Oh my God please heal him my God I'm so scared so please heal him oh my God heal him heal him heal him my God just do this just do this just do this please!"  And today, exhausted, scared, overwhelmed, and distraught, I said, "I come to you in the Name of Christ and I confess that I am scared.  I have doubts.  I have doubted.  But I am giving You my doubts and fears and I am asking You to fill that space with trust.  I believe.  Help my disbelief."

On the way to the hospital and during the cookie swallow I prayed a rosary.  I asked St. James, St. Linus, Mother Mary, St. Francis (it is his feast day, ya know) and Archbishop Sheen to pray with me, and I pictured them sitting around me, praying with me.  Sheen in his cape and skull cap.  Mary in her blue mantle.  Francis in his brown robe...  I asked Mary to beg her son to save mine.  And then I prayed the Joyful Mysteries, thinking about how Trav and I said, "Let it be done unto me according to thy word," when we agreed to NFP. (Annunciation)   I thought about all the people who told me that Trav and I were crazy to have 3 kids so close together but how we felt like God wanted each of our children to be.  And I thought about all the people who have been supporting us during this difficult time. (Visitation)  I thought about giving birth to my son, how beautiful, difficult, and then terrifying it was. (Nativity)  I thought about James' baptism and confirmation and the beauty of the Church. (Presentation)  I thought about finding out who James will be - finding him. (Finding in the Temple) 

I felt better. 

And then during the swallow James slept.  No amount of tickling, cold, jostling, or talking would wake him.  He was napping and would not be disturbed.  So did he do well?  No.  He aspirated once on the honey milk and only took 10ml.  He wouldn't take any of the rice cereal formula.   And so the test was inconclusive.

I felt a peace when the feeding therapist spoke with me about how she couldn't make any conclusions based on how he ate while sleeping.  And when I told Trav about the test he said he felt the same peace.  It seems that God answered our prayers, just not how we thought he would.

And so James will most likely have another swallow later this week.  This gives us more time  to pray, and him more time to heal.  30ml of rice cereal and no aspirations = bottle feedings.

Thank you for your prayers!

Side note - I realize this isn't the best written blog post ever.  But I'm sure you'll excuse the lack of transitions and what not because I'm physically and emotionally spent and it's 10:30pm.  Thank you.