Right about when I was feeling better from the birth I was slammed with mastitis. I tried to take care of it naturally, pumping and nursing and resting, but after two days with a 103 temp I surrendered and got antibiotics. As that was getting better Ben and I caught the cold that L had gotten from her dad. I'm tired and stuffy, with an occasional cough, but this too is getting better.
Mom has been a huge amount of help, and for over a week we had someone with us almost 24 hours a day. When Ben would wake in the middle of the night our Helper would get him, change his diaper, bring him to me for nursing and then soothe him to sleep so I could return to bed. I find that I loose 40-60 minutes of sleep every time he wakes up if Helper is not with us, so that has been incredibly wonderful.
All this help, along with the fact that Ben is an easy baby has made this new stage of motherhood easy for me.
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In the midst of all this I've come to see two fears before me. The first is over sleep. I am very afraid of becoming exhausted again. The lack of sleep that turned into extreme sleep deprivation that happened during the first 6 months of L's life was horrible. I was not able to bond with my daughter. I was angry and sad almost all of the time. I felt like I was drowning and there was nothing to pull me out. I was disappointed in myself, felt bad for my daughter and felt incredibly lonely. I do not want this to happen to me again, but I'm not sure how to get the sleep I need if I cannot nap every day or sleep through each night.
My second fear is about L. Our relationship has changed since Ben's birth and I miss what it was. We were partners and we enjoyed being with each other (okay, we did drive each other crazy every once in awhile). Now it seems that when she wants me most, which would be when she's tired - waking up or ready for sleep - is when I am tending to Ben, nursing him or soothing him to sleep. I hate the way she looks at me, she's so mad and hurt. Any more she prefers her grandma or daddy to me, which breaks my heart and leaves me feeling rejected. I'm not sure how to restore what we had, or if I'll ever be able to, but I wish she could understand that I miss snuggling with her at nap time just as much as she does.
Oh Bonnie, please please please be assured that you will not lose that bond you have with Lydia! It will be different for awhile and you'll have to find moments to bond with her when you can, but this stage of hers shall pass I promise! She is of course uncertain who this new person is that has come into her home and "stolen" her Mommy, but she will eventually figure it all out and you all will find a balance! And yes, her wanting Grandma or Daddy is also completely normal right now!
ReplyDeleteYou are so blessed to have so much help right now, what I would have given for that when Noah came along!!! I'm so glad he is an easy baby.
As for the sleep thing, somehow it just wasn't that big of a deal the second time around. Sure I was tired but I think we just now how to handle it better than the first time!
My heart wells up (as do the tears in my eyes) reading what you wrote about you and Lydia. Hannah and I have undergone a metamorphasis in our relationship as well. I miss her and I miss our closeness. She rejects me by witholding physical affection (which is one of her two love languages). Just in the last two weeks she has begun to share kisses and hugs willingly, as well as ask me to hold her again. I, too, hope that we will get back our special relationship. I think seeing the small changes recently has been an encouragement that normal life will return once again...just very slowly.
ReplyDeleteDiapering at night - I'm really bad. I'm not using cloth at night. After the first three weeks or so, Henry could stay in the same diaper all night without leaking. So that's what I do. It disturbs him less to be wet than it does for me to interrupt sleep to change him, which translates into a shorter feeding and going back to sleep right away. He's only up for 15 or so minutes at a time now for night feedings.
Very fortunately I guess,I never had that problem with Lucy. I dont remember any issues with Lucy and newborn Bridget. It just seemed like Lucy was too young to be truly jealous. If I was nursing B and Lucy wanted to snuggle, she would just come right up next to me on the opposite side and we'd hug and kiss and cuddle. I dont remember bonds ever being broken - just both hands being always full.
ReplyDeleteAs for all that help, dang, that's awesome! I dont know anyone who's had as much help as you have had. I'm jealous. Although I need to be more thankful for Ryan, because he is such a wonderful father, and he would always get the baby, hand them to me to nurse, and then put them back to bed (something most AP dads I know definitely do not do). So, really, I never leave the bed unless we needed to take turns with a child who wouldnt fall back asleep.