I am 38 weeks, 5 days pregnant. I am measuring 5 weeks ahead. This means that I am HUGE. As in I can't bend, I can't sleep, getting out of bed to go to the bathroom is an Olympic feat.
But what it also means is that people stare at me. I suppose they are afraid that my water will break and I will ruin their shoes, but many people have looks on their faces that make me feel unwelcome or obscene. I've especially noticed this on the faces of men, some of whom have actually glared at me.
I'm not sure why people are doing this, but let me tell you how it makes me feel: disgusting, ugly, fat, embarrassed, ashamed, like a freak.
At this point, my size has made me pretty much give up on some things. For example, yesterday L and I had to go to Mass alone. We got ready, packed our bag and drove to Mass, while also fighting about putting on her dress, trying to get her to eat something all morning long (she ate nothing), and trying to pace myself enough so I wouldn't become "overheated" and worn out well before we left. We walked into the church, which was either hot or I was having yet another hot flash, and then she refused to stay in the pew. People kept looking at me because now I was not only a hugely pregnant woman, but also one with a misbehaving toddler. And so, before Mass even began, we packed everything up and just left, me crying the whole way home.
The stares, the hot flashes, the inability to be comfortable all make me want to not be pregnant any more. But L's demands for attention make me afraid of having 2 children.
You'll make it through, my love. You always do. As Winnie the Pooh would say, "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
ReplyDeleteAnd mostly importantly, you are a TERRIFIC mom. If there's anything I can do to help like bringing out groceries (homemade chips & salsa) or keeping you company while you fold laundry, let me know!
love ya!!
xxxooo -mary
Much love Bonnie. Just want to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. Kisses.
ReplyDeleteRight before I had Noah I was at the deli counter and an old man standing next to me looked over at me, then down at my ginormous belly and said, "Is it ok that you're out like this?" Wow. I know how hypersensitive this time is in your pregnancy and how miserable you must be. Praying that baby decides to arrive SOON! You can do it and you will do GREAT!
ReplyDeleteAwww. Bonnie, this makes me sad. I wish I could have been there to hug you when you cried. I work with people every day, and the more I meet, sadly, the more I realize that adults' manners are hardly more developed than children's.
ReplyDeleteBoo to those unenlightened people who think whatever they are thinking to stare at you! I will send a mean look in their direction for you!!! (Love to my beautiful Bonnalee!)
ReplyDeleteBonnie,
ReplyDeleteWhen I was three, my mom was pregnant with my brother. I was throwing a huge temper tantrum...like what else is new! Anyway, I was jumping on the kitchen table screaming and my mom locked herself in her room. That wasn't good enough for me, so I started ramming myself into her door. She sat on her bed and cried. She told me that she locked herself in her room because she had to remove herself before she thought that she would slap me. How could she have 2 kids if she couldn't control one. I am sure that raising kids is really hard. I know that you will be fine and I would tell people who stare at you to go fuck themselves. That's what I would say at least. Or I would tell them that they are just plain ugly.
So, you need to find a theater or home theater system to watch "Iron Man" again. It may jump-start your body into labor like it did the first time. :)
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you. :)
Ha! I agree with Alicia! Or go see District 9... that'll knock anyone into labor! :)
ReplyDeleteOh, dear Bonnie. How I empathize with where you are in this. I recall thinking just before Henry arrived, particularly in those trying moments with Hannah, "what on earth am I doing having another one of *these*?!" Hang in there. I'll keep praying for you. And by the way, not that it will make a hill of beans difference in how you're feeling, but I've always thought that one of the most beautiful things in the world is an expectant mom. The fact that you're so large at this point means you're even more beutiful.
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