Tonight's talk has been rescheduled

Hi local friends.

If you were planning on attending my talk tonight you can stay home and wear your cozy pajamas. 

But next Tuesday, March 5th, I hope to see you all at the Knights of Columbus Hall on the Washington Square at 6:30pm. 

I'll be presenting on James' alleged miracle and Fulton Sheen in an event hosted by St. Patrick's Elizabeth Ministry group.

a couple of things to share

1 - Jennifer's wonderful summary of wearing a veil at Mass.  It's insightful and funny and my favorite part: It was at that moment that I realized that this exercise in head covering brought with it an important, and surprisingly difficult, opportunity for spiritual growth: to presume other people’s charity.
Also, I just may need to get me one of those infinity scarf veils.  For reals, people, that thing is awesome.

2 - Rebecca Frech has a beautiful post about silence at Mass over at Ignitum Today.  I've never attended a Traditional Latin Mass but this post has me thinking that it may just be the balm my soul is longing for in this hectic, loud, overwhelming season of life.

3 - A funny story from the home: Dora the Explorer is pretty much banned from my home because I find it annoying.  Today, though, I told my daughter she could watch it.  Lydia ran to Bennet exclaiming, "Mom said we can watch Dora!"  Bennet, in total shock and awe said, "Mom likes Dora now?"  He then came to the kitchen to hear from the source that I really, truly was going to let them watch the show while I was home.

4  - The lovely Marie Miller.  Don't know Marie?  Well, she's a young Catholic musician - beautiful, funny, talented.  She has performed at the past two Behold Conferences and will be returning in 2014.  She has a new single and I just saw the new video that goes with it.  Let me tell you, if you have a daughter, try to get her into Marie Miller's music.  Marie is the kind of woman you want your girl looking up to as a role model.  Seriously.  Watch the video - her dress goes down to her knees!

Marie Miller - You're Not Alone - You're Not Alone - Free Music Videos

What I Wore Sunday

Things to notice about this picture:

How lovely that shade of blue is.

The neat twisty thing at the neckline.

Things to ignore about this picture:

smudge marks on the mirror

how badly my nails are in need of a touch-up

post-afternoon nap hair

double chin

I had to recruit my 4 year old to take the picture.  She intentionally cut out Bennet but got all the crap on the floor.  I need a photographer in this house.

Dress: I call it my "wedding dress" because I bought it the summer after I married to wear to 7 different weddings.  And I did, wear it to 7 different weddings.  Follow the link to see how nice it once looked on me.

Black tank: Target Maternity (got a new one with tax refund money!)

Boots: Same old pair from Payless, a gift from 2 Christmases ago.

Cardigan: Target Merona, from a couple years back.  

Baby bump: Travis

Resa was napping but here's the other kiddos in their post-Mass happiness.

Dress: Hand-me-down, Hair in her face like always.

Boys' shirts: Jumping Bean, Christmas gifts and I love them.

Boys' khakis: courtesy of Wal Mart.

Here's a couple of pictures of what I should have been doing on Sunday.  Cleaning, washing, tidying.

And threatening the kids that if they don't pick up their toys they'll be in big trouble. 

Instead I napped.

7 Quick Takes

1 - If you rightfully began your 7QT adventure at Jen's then you know that she mentioned my Twitter profile picture in her #5.  I have to confess that when I read the first sentence, "Bonnie‘s photo is one of the rare ones that looks even better in a small format," my heart dropped a little bit and I immediately thought of this:

If you're not familiar with A League of Their Own I'll give you some context.  In the film, a news report about the all women's professional baseball team is shown and it highlights all the players who are both very good and very attractive.  There's close-ups on all their pretty faces except for poor Marla Hooch who is not a looker.  For Marla there is just a long distance shot.
Of course my wounded pride quickly recovered when I read the rest of Jen's very kind words, but I still thought the whole thing was funny and wanted to share it with you all.

2 - How about a song now?  Florence's videos are a little weird and I don't let my kids watch them.  They're not bad necessarily; they're just weird.  And I was pretty much scarred by watching Peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer, Genesis' Land of Confusion, and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers' Don't Come Around Here No More when I was a girl so I'm probably a little overprotective about such things.
But the song is really great.


3 - On this coming Tuesday I will be 20 weeks pregnant and today I saw my midwife for the very first time.  How's that for putting things off?  I had this horrible feeling that something was wrong with the baby and I wanted to put off knowing for sure for as long as possible.  Ignorance is bliss, right?
But the good news is that the baby looked great in the sonogram.  This cute, squirmy little thing.  She wouldn't let me see her face but she was beautiful - all 13 ounces of her.

4 - In honor of my red lips being included on Jen's blog I thought I'd pass on a little tip about wearing lipstick.  I loved my "Red Revolution" lipstick (it looks pink, though, doesn't it?) but it wouldn't stay long, filling in all these new cracks in my lips and looking not so great.

After getting over the fact that I'm getting older and that's why my lips have valleys for lipstick to drain into, I did some research and was told to invest in some neutral lip liner.  That has made a HUGE difference and I'm so glad I did it.  I bought a shade that matched my natural lip color in the Cover Girl line.  There's probably better stuff out there but this is nice.
And if you've wanted to wear some bold color on your lips I say DO IT!  I wanted to for a long time but just felt like I couldn't pull it off.  And then I decided that I could risk looking like a fool or I could risk wasting all kinds of time of not wearing lipstick that made me happy.  So I took a risk.

5 - This Lent I wanted to step back from things online and so I deactivated my Facebook account.  It's been nice and not-so-nice.  The nice: it's forced me to reach out to people and connect.  For example, I've talked to my friend Lisa more this Lent than I did in the last year.  The not-so-nice: Facebook is the only way I have to keep in touch with many people.  For example, today the kids and I were building snowmen and it reminded me of a a time when my cousin and I built a snowman in my backyard.  I wanted to message her and say, "Hey I thought of you and I hope you're well," but I don't have her email address or phone number. So here's hoping she reads my blog!
MW, I miss and love you and wish you the best!

6 - Tuesday, February 26th I'll be speaking at the Knights of Columbus Hall on the square in Washington, IL.  I'll be sharing James' story, plus talking about Fulton Sheen and the canonization process.  The event, which is hosted by the Elizabeth Ministry group of St. Patrick's Parish, begins at 6:30pm and is free.  If you're in the area it would be great to see you!

7 - Lastly, here's a cute, funny picture of Teresa Marie.  That girl makes me so happy.

Many thanks to Jennifer at Conversion Diary for hosting!  Have a wonderful weekend!

Downton Abbey and One Direction

Maybe this has made the rounds on Facebook and Twitter and it's old news.  But in case you haven't seen it and you love Downton Abbey and pop music as much as I do, please enjoy:



Best parts?

I say Lord Grantham's "flabbergasted" in place of "overwhelmed" and the "Mama"/"Papa" part.  Hilarious.

Kids are Great! and No Sex for Months Part II

In case you missed the announcement I am pregnant for the sixth time.

6!

We've gotten a few reactions:

- How did you keep it a secret for so long?!
(Sadly, it's easy when you're already 45lbs overweight.)
- Why did you keep it secret for so long?
 (Well, come July Travis wanted to just show up with a baby, so this is early according to the original plan.)
- Wow... five kids... wow....
(You fail.  But you also perfectly explain why we kept it a secret for so long.)
- Ahhhh!  Congratulations!  That is so great!
(Thank you.  Really, thank you.)

In a way, I don't blame the people who can only say "wow".  Even for Travis and me this pregnancy is a bit of a mixed bag of emotions.

There's plenty of good emotions.  For starters, have you seen my other kids?  Travis and I make cute kids and so there is no doubt that this baby is going to rock the awesomely adorable just like her* big brothers and sisters.

See?  Super cute kids.

Also, we always thought 5 sounded like a good number of kids.  Five kids, a family of 7 - that would be fun if we could get it.

And we like our kids.  We like having kids.  Sure, by the end of the day we are ready for them to all be tucked into bed and fast asleep but our lives have been made richer by each of our children.  We may not be able to do much traveling or pay for college or have phones with data plans, but we have been given much life and that seems to be a fair trade in our eyes.

But then there's the rest of the bag to deal with. 

I think most people aren't happy for us because they know that we are already struggling financially, but that's not the part that worries us so much. Save winning the lottery we will never be rich, or even upper middle class, but that's never been our goal.  And we are already working towards our actual goal of being comfortable enough.

Our real struggles are with natural family planning, getting enough sleep, and me not walking around screaming at the kids all the time. 

We are so tired.  With teaching, coaching, grading, and giving extra attention to kids who just cannot write a chemical formula Travis is working at least 10 hours a day and gone for almost 12.  He gets up with James, I get up with Teresa, we both get up with Lydia and Bennet.  I'm pregnant and irritable and the kids and I walk around as perfect examples for why people only want 1 or 2 kids.

And, while I will hopefully not be pregnant for the next five years (pleaseGodpleaseGodpleaseGod) we will have babies and toddlers and little kids who do not sleep through the night for the next five years.  Just thinking about it makes me so tired I want to take a nap.  Who has energy to type?!

Then there is the irritability.  I have never had pms moodiness but I pretty much have it for all 9 months of the pregnancy and 6-10 weeks post partum.  The fuse for my temper is this (.) short and even shorter if I don't have enough sleep.  And, well, you already read the previous two paragraphs so you know it's pretty short.  Fortunately I'm almost half way to birth so the crankiness will end sooner than the sleepless nights.  Just not soon enough for my poor kids.

And then there's NFP.  

(And here's a Potential TMI warning.  Don't want to read about sex and peeing and mucus?  Then stop reading.  Also, there be swear words.)

I've talked about this before, but for me and my husband post partum nfp is a Josephite marriage.  We have tried CCL's sympto-thermal method.  We have tried to incorporate Creighton teachings into how I observe signs.  We have kept our babies exclusively on breastmilk for as long as possible.  And doing those things has just ended up with me pregnant. All six of my pregnancies may have been planned by God but only half were planned by Travis and me.

After this baby is born we will try the Marquette Method but we will also be abstaining for a very, very long time.  Long term abstinence is why we didn't get pregnant after James until we felt called by God to do so.  Trying to chart without a period is why I'm pregnant now.

Right now the only reason we're using nfp is because we have to.  The Church tells us it's good; I believe the Church is right on such matters and so even if I don't understand or agree for the moment I bow to Her authority.  But mostly I lie in bed praying to God, "You duped me, O Lord, and I let myself be duped!" (Jer 20:10)

I feel embarrassed to be pregnant but I hate feeling that way.  Why should I be ashamed of being in a solid, awesome, enjoyable marriage?!  But I look at my belly and my shopping cart so loaded with kids there's barely room for the groceries and I feel like a rabbit, a breeder, some stupid woman who can't tell the difference between mucus and semen and whatever the hell else there is coming out post partum.

I want to smack women who boast about using nursing to space their children.  I want to smack women who have easily and perfectly spaced their kids every 2-3 years.  I want to smack women who tell me I need to neatly fold my toilet paper and wipe before and after I pee, carefully checking the mucus both times.  I've had 4 big babies in 4 years - I'm lucky I don't pee on the toilet seat half the time!  Kegals my ass - I don't have time to neatly fold the toilet paper, let alone wipe before I pee!  And I definitely don't have time to lock the door to keep the kids out so I can scientifically observe how opaque my mucus is - when I have to pee I have to pee RIGHT NOW and usually the door is left wide open as I dash to lift the lid in time.

I'm sure there are women with infertility struggles who want to smack me, who want to shake me, who are yelling in their head that they would gladly trade places with me.  And honestly, at this point, I would love to give away my fertility to one of you.  I know infertile couples shoulder a brutal, aching cross but sometimes I don't think it's that different than the cross of the super fertile.

I know God has blessed us with these children and with our fertility - and I in no way regret any of my kids - but anymore the fertility is only a cross and it's one I'm tired of carrying.  Probably the day will come when I will regret typing those words, when I will long to once again feel a baby moving in my womb.  But right now I just want to crawl under a rock and take a very long nap.

And when I wake up I want to have had experienced a trauma-less delivery, have all my kids sleeping through the night, have cycles to chart, and have lost 50lbs.  That's not too much to ask for, right?


*Yes I think I'm pregnant with a girl. And I've been right on the gender of all my other kids so I'm just gonna go ahead and refer to this baby as a girl.

Electing the Pope

When will the conclave start?

Are there any prayers for the upcoming conclave?

Who is gonna vote for my new pope?

What's up with white smoke?

I don't even know what you're talking about.

If you've had any of these thoughts or you know people who have I strongly encourage you to head over to the new website: Electing the Pope.

Dorian Speed has created the site and recruited some smart writers and apologists to help explain the whole process that we Catholics and the whole world have found ourselves in.  Using simple, clear, and concise language, the blog uses a question-answer format that makes it easy to use and understand.  And if you have any questions about how the new pope will be elected you can submit it.

The site is good for homeschoolers, parents, missionaries, and people who just want to be better educated.  So... pretty much everyone.  Now go check it out and share it with your friends and family!

What I Wore Sunday

Tax refund = new maternity dress.

It stretches, it covers the shoulders, and goes down to the knees - lovely. 

BUT the neckline isn't so great and is rather low, hence the bandit scarf. 

Scarves are my new favorite way to hide my ridiculous "I'm fat, pregnant, and nursing" cleavage.  They work better than any tank, cami, or undershirt I've ever tried before.

Look at that belly, so big and round and full of baby.

And cute little James, what a sweetie.

 

Last season's shoes.

 

And earrings that are older than my marriage, and maybe even my college degree.  Teresa tried, repeatedly, but never succeeded at ripping them out of my earlobes. 

Dress: Target Maternity, on racks now.
Scarf: bridesmaid gift from a few years back, held in place by a safety pin.
Shoes: Target, purchases for the 2012 Behold Conference
Bare legs: Big mistake.  I may be ready for spring but spring is not ready for Central Illinois.

7 quick takes

1- I haven't seen this movie so this song is not an endorsement, just in case it's super raunchy or something.  But I did do the cups game all the time when I was younger.  My friend Kim sent me a lovely Valentine mix tape, er cd,  and this was the first song on it.  As soon as I heard the tapping I knew what it was and BOOM I was back in middle school.

2 - This Mardi Gras I made my first ever King Cake.  I had to swing it a little bit because I ran out of yeast and found the dough to be too wet to knead.  I've never had King Cake before so I don't know how authentic it was but it tasted great and looked really pretty. 

 If you want to see my altered recipe you can find it on my recipe box blog, or by clicking here.

 3 - For Valentine's Day we made some super simple Valentines to pass out to friends at our church's moms' group.  My kids love crafts and I pretty much barely tolerate them.  I've found that if I do the prep work and just let them color, assemble, and glue that it's a pretty good compromise.  So we did these and they were super easy.  I cut some rectangles, printed a little rhyme, cut some more rectangles, and opened a $1 package of doily hearts.  Then they assembled and glued and were happy.

The rhyme says, "Love is patient, love is kind.  Happy Feast of St. Valentine."  I think I got that from Catholic Icing.

4 - On Ash Wednesday I took down all the Valentine's Day and winter decorations.  I did some simple decorating around the house and I confess, it feels really good to have things looking almost bare.  After all the decorations of Advent, Christmas, and winter it's really nice to just have a few little things to remind us of the liturgical season. 

Our Lenten calendars from Catholic Icing.  They definitely help the kids understand how long Lent is and when we'll be celebrating Easter.  I love these things.

The treasure box holds our kid-friendly Stations of the Cross kit.  It's basically what most people use for Resurrection Eggs.

Our Holy Father, hanging out with books, because he loves books.  Especially How Green Was My Valley, The Bourne Identity, and David Sedaris' Naked.

Sitting on our buffet.  A grape-vine wreath is thorny enough, right?

I'd love to know how others decorate for Lent.  If anyone else posts pictures on their blog please leave the link in the combox - I'd love to check out what you've done and maybe use one or two of your ideas.

5 -   Teresa, who is adorable!, now has 4 teeth.  She's also cruising like crazy.  And though my pregnant body is not producing much milk she isn't really sold on this whole bottle thing. 

6 - Random blurry but cute picture of my kids:

7 - I need to bake some biscuits and make some potato soup.  Eek!  Have a good weekend and many thanks to Jen for hosting!

Why I Love My Husband

1 - Because of the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles.

2 - Because of our "pillow talk" conversations.  We laugh, bicker, discuss serious things - all while my head is resting on his shoulder and he's holding me tight.

3 - Because he's kind.  And funny.  And smart.  And generous.  And he loves God.  And he's an excellent father.

4 - Because he can run wiring, plumbing, and duct work.  He can install a toilet, a sink, a dishwasher, a gas stove, a water heater, and a light fixture.  He can roof a house, remodel a house, landscape around a house, and put new siding on a house.  He can fix a car, a lawnmower, or a toy train.  He can cook, clean, and folds laundry.  He can hang drywall, hang trim, hang a new door, and hang windows.  And on top of it all he teaches chemistry and physics to high schoolers.

5 - Because he comes home and plays with the kids every single day.

6 - Because he thinks I'm pretty and funny and a good wife.  He appreciates me.

7 - Because he's a total geek about superhero movies.

8 - Because he remembers when Downton Abbey is on when I forget.

9 - Because he loves his family - his parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, us.

10 - Because he is a nice guy, a good man.  In my opinion, he is the best of men.

Part 2 of A Conversion Story that Ends at Easter Vigil

This is Part 2 of Emily's conversion story.  You can read Part 1 here. 

When I met my husband, Ben, I had moved to Washington State from Arizona, where I graduated high school. My father and most of my family lived there in Washington and my paternal grandmother had offered to pay for my community college education if I came to live in Washington. When I agreed, my dad had been sober for the first time in years and I planned to move into his house. Shortly before leaving Arizona, I discovered he had started drinking again and it was too late to change my plans. The next year was tumultuous, painful, and full of grief for me. Alcoholism is truly a devastating disease.

I met my husband through a small young adult group. We would read Christian non-fiction and discuss it. It was led by some married couples and not a part of any church (remember my church fixation?). Ben was in a discipleship program where he lived in cabins with other young adults and they had daily classes on the Bible and other topics. It ended with a mission trip. He was (and still is) very quiet in group settings and I barely remember him speaking during our discussions. I am pretty outspoken, so I’m sure he knew full well how opinionated I was (he knows this even better now). When we started dating (6 years ago on Valentine’s Day) I was smoking and in a very dark place, despite fully believing in God and his goodness. Ben encouraged me to stop smoking and we soon became inseparable. We married, when we were both 20, 8 whole months later.

We were attending a church through which Ben had a worship leader internship and he really adored the pastor. It was still a struggle for me to want to go to church on Sundays and we would often fight about it. After our honeymoon I decided that I felt like birth control went against the character of God and that I thought it was wrong. Ben was not as sure, but supported my conviction to stop using birth control. Gwen was born 15 months after we said, “I do”.

When Gwen was about 3 months old we moved to Arizona. This was a pivotal decision in our marriage and lives. Ben had lived nowhere else but this small Washington town and his parents were very sadden by our move. After arriving we started searching for a “home church” right away. This was when we became disillusioned with the evangelical way of thinking. There were so many churches, so many denominations, how could we know which one was “right”? We lived in Phoenix, which is a city of millions, so you can imagine the sheer number of churches that were in our area. We probably went to ten or more different churches. We’d stick with one a few Sundays and then something would happen or someone would say something, and we’d stop. Eventually we stopped making any effort to attend church.

What followed was a difficult season for both of us. God was what connected Ben and I. We grew up very differently and were extremely unique from one another. For a while, it seemed we could only bond over Gwen. We fought constantly and even considered separating. We must have liked each other at times because while living in Phoenix we became pregnant again when Gwen was 10 months old. We lived in a one bedroom apartment at the time and I was honestly devastated by the news.    

After Avalene was born something in me shifted. I knew she was a gift and I could finally see that, even if while I was pregnant I struggled. I missed the Lord. I knew he was always with me, but I started to feel my absence from him. One day as I was driving around to kill time with my two under two girls, I drove past a sign advertising a Catholic radio station. I tuned in and coming from my speakers was the voice of a woman who had written, with her husband, several parenting books I nearly worshipped. I sat in my car in awe about what I was hearing. She and her husband had become Catholic and she was linking all of their parenting beliefs to their faith. It was beautiful and just the encouragement I needed. I started listening to that station every time I was in the car and downloaded the app so I could listen at home too. I would sit in my car for as long as I could - even after arriving at my destinations - so I could keep listening to the wisdom streaming through my speakers.

After what must have been weeks to a month, I contacted the only practicing Catholic I knew: the mother of that friend I had so many years ago.  I asked her if I could attend Mass with her one day and she heartily agreed. I pulled up to the gorgeous church and felt like it was the first day of school: full of hope and possibilities, but also fear of rejection. She was so kind, just like I remembered. I loved every second of the service, even though I had no idea what was going on. The homily was beautiful and the whole experience was serene and full of peace. Afterward we walked into the gift shop and she bought me a book, Rome Sweet Home by Scott Hahn. I devoured that book. It touched on so many things I knew and was familiar with (Young Life being one, Christians not believing Catholics were really Christians being another).  Ben knew I was listening to Catholic radio and knew I was interested in finding out more. He was supportive and curious. I insisted he read Rome Sweet Home and he also found a gold mine inside as I had. We started talking in much more detail about our faiths and what the “true church of Christ” would look like. More and more God seemed to be leading us to the Catholic Church. I discovered Catholic bloggers like Jen at ConversionDiary, Bonnie when she was writing at Learning to be Newlywed, and more. I was in awe of these godly, funny, intelligent, mothers who wrote so elegantly about their faith and so honestly about motherhood.

I continued reading and thinking and praying until one day I said to Ben, “I think I want to be Catholic”. He was a little taken aback with me just throwing it out there, but probably not totally surprised.  But we asked, ‘what do we do next?’ We still weren’t going to Mass regularly and had yet to really connect with anyone who could help us go deeper into the journey. We contacted a local parish and requested a meeting with the faith formation leader. When we arrived he had mistakenly thought we were there for a baptism class for our kids, but once we explained that we wanted to do faith formation classes ourselves, he quickly got on track. The RCIA class had started a few weeks earlier and he would not let us join. Being more knowledgeable about RCIA now, I am surprised he would deny letting us in.  RCIA is just once a year and even if we didn’t enter the Church that Easter, I am shocked he would not let us in the class, as eager as we were, simply because we didn’t know it had already begun. I’m sure now that it was God’s plan for us, but at the time we were really discouraged. We wanted this and yet we were denied. He encouraged us to come to Sunday Mass, but we didn’t go even one time. I think for people like us who are coming from a non-Catholic background and without any Catholic influence, relatives, and friends, going to Mass by ourselves was pretty intimidating. I am saying that from our perspective only. And maybe our pride or comfort was a factor as well, but going to Mass when you don’t understand anything going on is difficult.
             
Less than a year later, we moved back to the small Washington town where we met and married. As soon as we got here, I contacted the local parish. Kay called me back no more than a day later, bursting with excitement as I explained Ben and I wanting to attend RCIA. Her excitement at teaching others has continued through the entire class and I am very thankful this is the class we are in. Our priest attends the classes as well and is a wealth of knowledge and wit. A winning combination in a spiritual leader, I assure you. And here we are, on the cusp of Lent, finally about to become Catholic.

On Easter this year, Ben will be confirmed in the Church. I will be baptized and confirmed. I should explain that baptism was available to me many times in the years that I circled in Protestant churches. But I always declined because it never felt “right” to me. I was waiting for something. And now I know God was preparing me to be baptized into his true church. I cannot put into words the emotions that surface when I think about finally, after 26 years of life, being baptized.

It is still a journey and we learn more at every class and at every Mass. I love that the Church teaches that acceptance of Christ is not a one-time thing, but an ongoing, daily, acceptance. We are thrilled that our children (soon to three kids) will grow up in a rich faith tradition, full of sacrifice, beauty, grace and history. God has truly led the path we have been on. And I can say with certainty that any hardship or suffering I experienced will be redeemed the moment the holy water touches my body and makes me new again. Praise God that in his love we are made free.

Thanks for reading. Please keep my family in your prayers. God bless you all.

 

 

Many thanks again to Emily for sharing with us the story of how she got from a lost soul to a soon-to-be squeaky clean, filled with the Holy Spirit, happy-to-be-so Catholic! 

 

If anyone has any questions or comments for Emily please feel free to leave them in the comment box; she will be checking it and is happy to engage in conversation.  And please remember to pray for Emily, her husband Ben, and they're growing family as they fast and pray their way through their first Lent and anticipate joining the Roman Catholic Church this Easter Vigil.  And go follow her blog, Glitter Rainbow Happiness Land.

A conversion story that ends at Easter Vigil

You may remember in December when I asked everyone to share some Mass-with-kids tips for Emily, a woman with two small girls who is converting to the Catholic Church with her husband, Ben.  Since then Emily has started a blog, we've stayed in touch via email, and I've been praying for her conversion.  I thought Lent's beginning would be a perfect time for a little reminder to pray for all the RCIA participants and I asked Emily if she'd share her conversion story with all of us.  Thankfully she graciously agreed - Thank you, thank you, thank you, Emily!

Come Easter Vigil, Emily and her family will be four of hundreds of new Catholics across the US.  Praised be Jesus Christ, and let us joyfully pray for them all!

Hi, I’m Emily, Bonnie has graciously allowed me to share my conversion story here on her blog and I couldn't be more grateful. In writing it out, I came to see how fully God was working in my life even before I acknowledged his existence.

I was born into a family with no faith. My parents practiced no religion and I don’t recall God even being mentioned. My mom was raised in a Catholic family, but her parents stopped going to Mass when she was a child. My dad has always come across as hostile towards religion of any kind. My parents divorced and my sister and I lived primarily with our mom, always far away from our dad. He was, and is still, an alcoholic and has been my entire life. That fact has played into who I am with weight and pain. And while his addiction has only caused me distress and heartbreak, I do believe God has used it for his glory in my life. Looking back I see God’s protection of me and my sister in numerous circumstances.

My only church experiences as a child were when a friend or a babysitter’s family would take me. What I remember is negative. I felt strange and out of place. I never had the right answers and I never felt loved. Despite this, I believed in God as a child and I remember praying on occasion. Because of my mother’s background, I knew what the Catholic Church was in very limited way. I knew my grandparents would pray and then cross themselves (only at holidays). The very little I knew about Catholicism was that it was a type of club that I was not apart of because I was not baptized. This was never said outright to me, it was only the impression I got from a very non-religious family.

Once I was a preteen, I knew my life was missing something. I was severely depressed, experimented with self-harm, smoked cigarettes, and stole regularly. I was utterly lost. So I started searching. At the same time my mom became increasingly interested in the wave of New Age. It ended up being something we bonded over. We mainly stuck to astrology and tarot cards, but I don’t know where the line was. Around this same time, my friends (every one) started doing heavy drugs. And even though I was often present while they did drugs, I never participated. By 13, I knew more about the world and pain than a child that age should.

A year or so later, my mom read a book entitled The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. After that she went through a sort of awakening to her faith in God. We started attending an evangelical church and I hated it. It felt like every Sunday there was some “talk” about money and giving it to the church. My mom always obliged and I was furious. Our electricity and phone were sometimes turned off because we couldn't pay and she was giving our money away to some rich church? I also realized she loved Jesus more than she loved me and it crushed my spirit. I already struggled with my self-worth and it seemed to push me into thinking that something had been stolen from me. I was constantly looking for unconditional love in all the wrong places.

We eventually started going to a different church and I somehow ended up going to the youth group. I believed God existed at that point, but I didn't understand what it meant for my life. It was not a personal thing for me and although I heard the message of “God’s love” it did not penetrate my hard shell. I didn't become close to any of my peers in the group, but the pastor and his wife were really kind and open with me. While this was going on, I was still leading the life I wanted with my other friends. I smoked, stole and snuck out at night. Talks during the youth group never impacted me. Because I came from a completely non-religious family, pointing to certain verses or stories that the others were familiar with only made me feel more isolated. I did try to read the Bible, but it was literally gibberish to me. During this time I did have a life-changing moment: I saw a young woman worshipping during the regular church service. We were all standing and I was behind her. I saw her close her eyes and lift her hands up (a very evangelical thing to do) and I knew she was experiencing something I had not. I knew in my heart that there was something I was missing, but I just couldn't grasp it. 

Eventually, my mom stopped going to church. She had no support from anyone (including myself, sorry to say) and I think she too felt isolated. That same year, a friend of mine was killed in a car accident resulting from teen drinking. Shortly after, my best friend was “sent away” because of her volatile relationship with her boyfriend and the drugs she was using. She wasn't allowed to speak to me. I stopped going to my sophomore classes and missed all of my finals. The school never called and only one of my teachers reached out to me. I felt alone and only wanted to do what felt good to me.

Fast forward to the summer. I had told my mom I would get my GED, but I never did and we had moved into a new school district. She asked me to try high school again and promised that if I hated it, I could get my GED. I felt miserable. I thought I’d need to repeat my entire sophomore year. I had lost touch with nearly all my friends. Interestingly, one of my only friends during this time was a girl whose family was Catholic. We met through a youth theatre and she didn’t know about of my bad habits. I loved being at her house. She had many siblings and her home was always filled with laughter and chaos. I did go to the new high school and ended up still being able to attend as a junior. As I wadded through the halls of a place I knew not one person, I became increasingly lonely.

I was in the fall play and met a few people that way. Some who were very bad influences and a couple who were great friends. One was a boy I’ll call Jeremiah. He was a year younger than me and steadfast in his love and passion for Christ. This would be an instrumental relationship for me. He became like the brother I never had, and I can say with complete honesty, I never had romantic feelings for him in all the years we were close friends. I really believe God chose this young man to be my brother and show me that not all males were the same and that some were genuine and kind. 

Jeremiah invited me to his youth group and I started attending regularly. All the kids there were strange and some were outcasts, I loved them all. It was a very small crowd and I never felt judged or out of place. I would eventually come to accept Jesus Christ as my savior, but it was a process for me and not a one-time thing like many evangelicals. I would tell people that I had built up a lot of walls around my heart and that God took the time to gently and sometimes not so gently break them down so I could experience his great love for me. Going to the youth group brought something out in me and I would frequently end the worship portion sobbing. I only went to the youth group however. I attended the stuffy, conservative, regular Sunday service only a couple of times out of obligation. This would become a theme for me. It was very difficult for me to attend a Sunday service for some reason. I usually felt unworthy or judged in some capacity.

Please come back tomorrow for the rest of Emily's story.  It includes love, marriage, and a couple of babies in a baby carriage.  

our lovely Pope Benedict

From the Vatican  Radio website. Pope Benedict XVI's letter of resignation:

Dear Brothers,

I have convoked you to this Consistory, not only for the three canonisations, but also to communicate to you a decision of great importance for the life of the Church. After having repeatedly examined my conscience before God, I have come to the certainty that my strengths, due to an advanced age, are no longer suited to an adequate exercise of the Petrine ministry.

I am well aware that this ministry, due to its essential spiritual nature, must be carried out not only with words and deeds, but no less with prayer and suffering. However, in today’s world, subject to so many rapid changes and shaken by questions of deep relevance for the life of faith, in order to govern the bark of Saint Peter and proclaim the Gospel, both strength of mind and body are necessary, strength which in the last few months, has deteriorated in me to the extent that I have had to recognise my incapacity to adequately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me.

For this reason, and well aware of the seriousness of this act, with full freedom I declare that I renounce the ministry of Bishop of Rome, Successor of Saint Peter, entrusted to me by the Cardinals on 19 April 2005, in such a way, that as from 28 February 2013, at 20:00 hours, the See of Rome, the See of Saint Peter, will be vacant and a Conclave to elect the new Supreme Pontiff will have to be convoked by those whose competence it is.

Dear Brothers, I thank you most sincerely for all the love and work with which you have supported me in my ministry and I ask pardon for all my defects. And now, let us entrust the Holy Church to the care of Our Supreme Pastor, Our Lord Jesus Christ, and implore his holy Mother Mary, so that she may assist the Cardinal Fathers with her maternal solicitude, in electing a new Supreme Pontiff. With regard to myself, I wish to also devotedly serve the Holy Church of God in the future through a life dedicated to prayer.

From the Vatican, 10 February 2013
  – Pope Benedict XVI


Part of me feels so sad; I did not know that our pope was suffering in the last months and my love for him definitely has me mourning this update (of his poor health).  I am confident that God is in control and I will now pray for the upcoming conclave. 

Pope Benedict was the first pope I saw elected and I remember how excited we were as students ran across campus yelling at each other "White smoke! White smoke!" as they approached the Newman Center.  We sat on the edges of our seats to hear the announcement and cheered when we heard "Joseph Ratzinger" in the midst of much Latin.

I also look forward to the upcoming excitement of a conclave and a new Holy Father to love and pray for.  I am a Catholic nerd, what can I say.

Let us celebrate Pope Benedict for now and thank him and God for all the good he has brought to the Church.  And, I am especially asking that if you have a Twitter account that you bombard @Pontifex with your love and support.  People are so vile towards him on Twitter and I hope we can outweigh their disrespectful, hateful speech with gratitude and love.

7 Quick Takes

1 - I am really drawn to this song.  It was a very similar sentiment that carried me through losing Peter and the early days with James.  I already knew God was good and my current circumstances weren't going to change that fact.  I'm glad that this song is getting airplay (at least in Central Illinois it is) because I think just about everyone can relate to the words.

2 - Travis bought me tulips the other night. Not because I deserved them or anything just because he loves me and knew I had just experienced a very long day.

 

 I know I shouldn't really complain because my kids are pretty entertaining.

 

And even pouting faces can be SO stinkin cute!

 

3 - Tonight is the Coffee & Chocolate Night - an evening event where Behold Conference volunteers are persuaded to participate by giving them loads of chocolate as payment.  They're also introduced to information about the forthcoming conference. 

In case you missed it, I am not helping with the Behold Conference anymore.  It was hard to walk away from it (like really, really hard) but I felt I needed to in order to better concentrate on having all kinds of babies and a couple of other projects God has sent my way. 

Organizing a conference like Behold was actually a dream of mine from college but one I thought I'd never be able to accomplish.  I am so grateful for the role I played in the first three Beholds and I really hope God will call me back to it in a few years.  But in the meantime I may just go to the Coffee & Chocolate Night so I can eat my heart out and vote for Edith Stein as the patron saint for the 2014 conference.

4 - Who do you thinks gonna win the mug?  pickmepickmepickmeitshouldbemepickme!

5 - A Pinterest find that I wanted to share is this sweet and sour chicken recipe.  I've made it several times for supper and there's never been leftovers.  To make it James-friendly I prep the chicken with salt and pepper, coat the meat in only the cornstarch and then fry it.  No eggs, dairy, or nuts means the whole family can eat the same meal! I always serve it with broccoli or a bag of frozen stir fry veggies, some rice, and some fruit.  We love it.

6 - Could you all please spare a prayer for me?  There's a couple of special intentions that really need an abundance of prayers.

7 - Travis and I are eagerly awaiting our tax refund.  We've discussed how we'll spend the money with tithing and new socks for the Engstrom family.  Hey - go big or go home.

Minor Revision and My Little Ponies

You have probably heard that the last episode of Jennifer Fulwiler's show Minor Revisions will be on tonight at 8pm Central.  You can watch it online, live here on NET tv.

You may also know that the recent winner of the title "Coolest Blogger," Jen is hosting a give-away for one lucky person who tweets during the show using the hashtag #MinorRevisions.  And what is she giving away? This most awesome mug, hand-fashioned (cough, cough) by her husband Joe.

Take in the awesome, which is exemplified by the shiny sunburst behind it.

Now, I realize that I'm pretty not-cool anyways, especially when standing in the shadow of "Coolest Blogger" Jennifer Fulwiler (like the mug, she also has a shiny sunburst about her).  I'm also sure it's a new level of lameness  that all I think is "FLUTTERSHY!" while all the hip, funny, Catholic bloggers chuckle over and vie for the "I defeated the dragon with all my love" mug.

You don't know what I'm talking about?  Well, on the last episode of Minor Revisions Jen's daughter Lucy was giving a clue about Fluttershy and made the comment, "I defeated the dragon with all my love."   (You can watch the embedded clip below to understand - like I do - what Lucy was saying.)  But then the likes of Brandon Vogt, who is deep and thoughtful and witty, embraced the statement as having the same level of meaning as The Hobbit while I was left sitting on my sofa, humming the theme song for my favorite my daughter's favorite show.  



At least Lucy appreciates my knowledge of My Little Ponies.  She is welcome at our home any time, to watch with Lydia the almost daily My Little Pony Friendship is Magic marathon that happens.

Which we can all watch together as I sip hot chocolate from my awesome, new mug.

7 quick takes

1 - Whew!  In the end 1776 people voted for the Sheenazing Blogger Awards.  When I decided to do this little thing I seriously thought there might be 60 votes total, all from people I know.  I was so blown away by how much everyone loved doing this.  Thank you for being a part of it.

Congratulations to all the winners!  And congratulations to everyone who was nominated.  It's so nice that when someone had to list "the best" they thought of you.

2 - There were a few moments where I felt discouraged by some comments but even then I knew that the commenters had a good point.  A couple of weeks ago I wondered if there still were Catholic blogger awards.  Five days later I decided to host one myself since I couldn't find anything else out there.  And two days after that nominations were open.  There were a lot of things I didn't think through and some more I would have never seen coming no matter how I thought things through. Now that I've done this once I think I have a strong inclination to do it again next year with a couple of tweaks.

But everyone has to promise to remember that I'm just a stay at home mom, busy with a lot of little things, okay?

And to the vast majority of people who emailed, facebooked, or tweeted at me - sending gratitude and encouragement my way: THANK YOU!  It really did make a difference.

3 - Here's my latest post at Ignitum Today, The Path that Leads to Awesome.  It's even more thoughts from me, inspired by Kid President's Pep Talk.

4 - Just a reminder that tomorrow is the Authentic Friendship talk at St. Phil's in Peoria.  The talk will be given by Sr. Helena Burns and Lisa Schmidt and is being sponsored by First Saturday Peoria.  I hope you can come!

5 - I've never wanted to try one of those green monster smoothies.  Why?  Because they look like this

which is to say they don't look appetizing at all.  My mom made me one and it turns out I was right.  I felt like she had cleaned off her lawn mower blade, put the contents in a blender, added a bit of fruit and soy milk and called it good.  But then she made me the Chocolate version and I was sold.  Here's the recipe if you're interested:

Chocolate Smoothie
5 oz baby spinach
2 C frozen blueberries
1/2 C soy milk
1 banana
2 Tbsp cocoa powder
1 Tbsp ground flaxseeds

I've played around with the ingredients a bit depending on what I have and because I'm cheap.  I've halfed most of them but the banana and never used the flaxseeds.  Still delish.

6 - Does anyone have a good Oatmeal Scotchie recipe?  I tried one yesterday and they are okay.  I was hoping for something softer and less dry.  Maybe I baked them too long?  Anyways - the search is on!

7 - Did you notice I didn't start with a song?  It's because I wanted to end with one this time.

BOOM!   

"Just when you think that you're in control, just when you think that you've got a hold, just when you get on a roll...Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again. Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known, should have known, should have known again, but here it goes again."

You know what this means, right?
16 weeks.