comments

I'm trying something new in the comment box.

In order to facilitate as much conversation in the combox as possible I have gotten rid of the word verification and will only need to approve comments left on posts that are older than a week.  So no more proving your a robot.  You should be able to write what you think and click submit and be done.

I still want you to be nice, but that doesn't mean you have to agree with me!  Respectful, intelligent discourse is sorely missing and I appreciate hearing other perspectives.

However, if getting rid of the word verification brings a bunch of spam I may need to bring it back or move to comment approval.  The old blog had all kinds of ridiculous spam comments. *eyeroll*

That is all.    

7 quick takes

1 - Ben Lee.  I bought his cd back in college and loved it.  Every time I hear him sing I think of a road trip my friend Beth and I took to visit Sr MN in Nashville.  I also played her "Jesus Walks" by Kanye; she did not approve.  But she liked this song.

2 - My friend Nancy sent me this great little Snapfish album of pictures she took at the Mass of Thanksgiving for Fulton Sheen being named Venerable.  Then, today I got on her blog, Reading Catholic, and saw some very kind words she had written about the talk I gave at the Catholic Press Association Midwest Regional Conference.  Lots of love from Nancy today!  Thanks, friend!

3 - PS to #2 - if you love books you should definitely follow Nancy's blog.

4 - Look what my friend Sarah sent me to celebrate my new baby girl!

Sarah has an Etsy shop called The Makers Make and it's filled with all kinds of beautiful, handmade things.  She didn't ask me to promote her stuff but it's so good I had to pass it along!

5 - Marie has a thoughtful post here about the crosses we carry.

6 - The grown ups at my house are super excited that Person of Interest is back on for season 2.  Looking for an awesome show to watch on a Thursday night?  Person of Interest should be it.

7 - Obligatory pictures of my cute kids.

so fresh and so clean, clean

No, Lydia is not too engrossed with Martha Speaks to even look at the camera.  Just look at the cute baby!

Muscles!

Cutie patootie.

Thanks to Jen for hosting!  Have a beautiful weekend, friends!

I just want to binge eat all day long

So the title pretty much says it all, folks.  Except I think that when you binge eat all day long it stops being binge eating, moves past pig-ish, and goes straight to disgusting.

This is not to say that what I do is binge eat all day long.  It's just what I want to do. 

Let me blabber on a little bit more.

I am not super, duper, disgustingly fat.  But I'm still, what I consider to be, embarrassingly fat.  Since giving birth to Teresa, after all the sweating and peeing, my weight is 19 lbs lighter than when I became pregnant with her.  So that's good.  But I still have a kabillion pounds to go.  Or, like 40ish, which pretty much feels like kabillion.

You can go ahead and tell me this.

I try to stay positive and look at it like this: 
- I've lost Teresa.
- I've lost James.
- I've lost the NICU.

Those things are great!  Eh... but Bennet and Lydia's pregnancies were the worst and, I'll just say this, I really want to be under 200lbs again.  Like squarely, perfectly, if I overeat one day I won't go back over 200, under 200lbs again.  Like 195.  That's my first goal, which I haven't met yet.  Because while I don't binge eat all day, I do still binge eat.

Even though I've already told you this next part, don't stop me because I'm going to finish it off by telling you something I might not have shared before.

In college I lost 50lbs.  How fat I am now, that's how fat I was in high school and my first two years of college.  And then May after my sophomore year I decided I couldn't take it any more and I started to run and eat better.  I worked my way up to 3 miles - they were slow and rare but they were mine - I could do them!  And I looked good.  My weight would flux a little on each side of 155 and I looked good.  In fact, a lot of people thought I was lying when they'd hear how much I weighed because I didn't look like a woman who weighed 155.

But, the thing is, I didn't just use diet and exercise to lose that weight.  Because I still kept binge eating and you can't drop 50 lbs in 5 months that way.  So I adopted the purging part.  Yes, I could eat two pieces of cake, go throw it up, and still lose weight.  In a lot of ways it was perfect.  Puking never bothered me when I was sick and so I didn't mind doing it to wear a size M for once in my life.  I didn't do it every day, maybe 3 or 4 times a week.  Just enough.

For a long time it was a secret I could keep but college life meant other people heard me puke.  The truth slowly came out to a small group of people, but I just kept doing it so I could maintain my ideal weight.  A bunch of other things happened my senior year that brought a lot of stress and anxiety to my life.  Panic attacks and purging were happening a lot and I zeroed in on my weight as a way to make myself have a sense of control and calm.  But the day I walked briskly across campus thinking only about how thin my thighs could be, ignoring everything else around me, that was the day I decided I needed to stop.  I went to confession, asked my friends to keep me accountable, and stopped.

And so just like I had turned it on I turned it off.  Over the years I would be tempted to do it again.  I'd binge  eat something - usually because of stress - and then stare into the toilet.  Sometimes I gave in to the temptation, usually not.

And then I had a baby girl and I never, ever wanted her to ever learn to hate how she looked so much that she'd do anything it took to feel beautiful.  I never wanted her to learn to binge and purge like me.  I wanted - want - her and her sister to know that they is gorgeous on so many levels, perfect and lovely and beautiful.

My daughters will never hear me vomit my cake into a toilet.  Never.

I just wish I could control my stress eating, my emotional eating, my binge eating.  I'm working on it.

Pardon my French.

So I don't know why I've wanted to write about all this.  I guess because I think about my weight all the time and I want to continue to lose it.  But sometimes I don't do anything about it because I'm afraid of getting caught up in it again.  I'm afraid of giving in to the thoughts to "just throw it up" - thoughts I still have almost every day.  Every day, people, even after almost 8 years.  

Maybe in the end this is me sharing my demon hoping you'll pray for me or encourage me or just be really nice to me.

7 quick takes

 1 - I'm a little embarrassed to tell you that I had never heard this song before it was on Glee.  I think it's fabulous, hope you do too!

2 - Despite my better judgement I have started watching The Walking Dead.  I actually started it a long time ago, had to stop during the first 15 minutes and then left it alone for a long time.  I'm not sure why but I decided to go back to it again.  I got through the first 3 episodes, didn't sleep very well, and so returned to the island (that's code for "I started watching Lost again.").  But tonight, while I did dishes, I watched another zombie-full episode.  Travis will be forced to come to bed at the same time as me tonight.

And you are stupid to watch zombie shows right before bed, Bonnie!

3 - Watching The Walking Dead wouldn't have been hard 15 years ago, or even 20 years ago when I thrilled in being scared.  I think two things have changed that for me #1 - I have become more aware of how real creepy, evil things are around us.  #2 - I have become a mother.  To combine #1 and #2 with an example:  When my kids have nightmares I am sure to mark their foreheads and beds with the sign of the cross, say the St. Michael prayer, and to speak aloud the Name of Jesus.

4 - I told a friend - her oldest is in his early 20's - about how the zombie show has me worried about a possible zombie apocalypse and how horrible it would be if my kids turned into zombies or if I turned into zombies or if we had to live in a boarded up house fighting off zombies all the time.  And my friend looked off into the distance and sincerely said, "I think I can honestly say that I have never had that fear before."

5 - Enough about zombies!  Let me tell you something that happened with our phone:
To begin I must tell you this simple fact - we are poor.  In an effort to cut expenses and not go on food stamps we decided to get rid of one of our cell phones.  We have a home phone for emergency purposes and Travis and I decided that we could share a cell phone and ask people to call us on the landline more often.  So to make a long story short, we're saving over $30 a month, but we both still have cell phones and a better plan than we had before!

6 - Today I'm speaking at the Catholic Press Association Midwest Regional Conference.  Woo-hoo!  They asked me to speak for about 15 minutes... I'm gonna try my best to keep it at that!

7 - Here's a few links I loved this past week:
Simcha Fisher's "Much Ado About Vocations"
Edmund Mitchell's "All Hipsters Eventually Become Catholic"
Sam Harris' "On the Freedom to Offend an Imaginary God"

Healing retreat after a pregnancy loss

Please read and pass this information on to anyone you know who may be interested.  Also, please know that while this retreat is held at a Catholic Church and topics will be discussed through the lense of Catholic Christianity, it is open to all faith denominations.

A Mother's Love- Healing Retreat After a Pregnancy Loss

If you have suffered through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant loss and are looking for healing, please join A Mother's Love group for our annual healing retreat. The retreat will take place on October 20th at St. Philomena Church in the Sacred Heart room.* The retreat goes form 8-3. There is no cost, and lunch and snacks will be provided. Please e-mail amotherslove2@gmail.com to register to help us get a count for food. There is also registration available the day of the retreat. Contact RyAnne if you have any questions at 309-253-0314 or at the e-mail above.


So quick review:
Healing retreat
Saturday, October 20th
8am - 3pm
Sacred Heart room* at St. Philomena Church
Lunch and snacks provided
No cost.

Contact RyAnne to register but also know that no registration is necessary!  You can show up the day of the conference without previously registering and there will be a spot for you!


*The Sacred Heart room is located behind the rectory; its door is near the garage.

seriously people?

I saw this sweater on Pinterest.  Some designer thought it would work for a boy or girl.  72 people had repinned it.  I guess 72 other people want their kids to be made fun of at school OR they are going as Rachel Berry from Glee for Halloween.

I mean, seriously?

I laugh because it's true

I see pictures of places like this on Pinterest and I think, 

"Wow.  That's so cute.  We could do that in the next house we have.  A cute reading nook.  I love it."

And then I think, 

"Reading nook my butt.  It would just collect crap."

Or as my mom used to say to us, 

"I can't have anything nice because of you kids!"

7 quick takes

1 - I love this.  Fact: One of my favorite rap songs is Let Me Clear My Throat.  It's just fun.

2 - I have a bunch of songs posted in my Ignitum Today article, Music to Make You Smile.  A couple are old 7QT songs but most are new.  I'm also taking song requests over there so pop on over and tell me which song you love and think I should have included in the list!

3 - Observation I made earlier in the week:  I'd never get down on my hands and knees to scrub the floor if my kids didn't spill things.  So slowly, one spot at a time, my kitchen and dining room floors will be cleaned.

4 - Big props go out to James for surpassing all three of his siblings as best sleeper.  Monday night one of the kids wet the bed around midnight, around 3am another one came to me in wet pj's because he soaked through his diaper, and  a certain baby I know was found in her crib - happy as a clam - with an explosive diaper.  So James, who kept it dry and contained all night, wins.

5 - Necessary picture of my super cute kids:

My Mom got Bennet a tux (like a real tux) so he could play dress up in it.  He could be a night or a groom, but his favorite thing to be is Sir Topham Hatt.

6 - Pinterest reviews:
- cilantro lime chicken - good
- flourless chocolate brownie cookies - don't waste your time or chocolate.  Grace Patton, I pinned these off of you and I'm warning you - don't eat them!
- peanut butter chocolate chip shortbread - the links not working but trust me, you have pinned this but it is a waste of butter.  And butter is expensive.
- Superfood Salad - Very yummy!

7 - I'm that mom - the one who's blogging at McDonald's while I ignore my sock-less children.  You can hate me.

Thanks, Grace, for hosting!  See you next Friday, Jen!

Thomas the Train Birthday Party for my boys

September is a month of birthdays.  Bennet turned 3 and soon James will turn 2.  My baby brother shares a birthday with James, but he'll be 29.  My sister-in-law turned 21.  My Grandma turned 86.  And Mary the Mother of God's birthday is celebrated every September 8th.  Everyone's birth, but mostly my little boys', was celebrated with a Thomas the Train themed birthday party.

The invite.

My friend, Crafty Katie, and I made them together in an afternoon.

The front reads,

Chugga Chugga Choo Choo 

Bennet's 3 & James is 2.

The back reads, 

All Aboard for Bennet & James' Birthday Party!  

Date

Time

at Engstrom Station

(Did ya like that "Engstrom Station" touch?) 

Simple and cheap decorations.  Red and blue balloons and plastic table covers.

The cake was a line of cupcakes with Thomas leading the way.  I made chocolate cupcakes topped with red frosting and funfetti cupcakes topped with blue.  Oreos served as wheels and I crumbled a few and put them on top of some cupcakes to look like coal.  Pretzels are jovey logs, graham cracker Goldfish are fresh Sodor fish, and MnM's are little packages.  I've seen a few Thomas movies in my day, clearly.  When I explained things to Bennet everything made perfect sense to him but I'm pretty sure those less "in the know" on all things Thomas had no idea what was going on.

On the kitchen island I had another Thomas pulling more treats. 

Cupcakes, Sodor Goldfish, Oreo train wheels, pretzel Jovey logs, and regular old grapes.

I used a green plastic table cover (97 cents at WalMart) with a strip of the dining room table's blue table cover as a river and built a train track.  The boys loved it.

I made signs and hung them around the house.  

Here's Percy, Gordan, and James welcoming everyone. (Please note my serious face.)

On the front door I had a picture of Thomas and Sir Topham Hatt saying "All Aboard!"

Over the bathroom sink was a picture of Victor that said, "Victor will get you clean at the Steamworks" because I'm ridiculously funny. 

The rest of the cupcakes.  Yum-o. 

And the happy birthday boys. 

Celebrating Sheen Engstrom style

Today was the Mass of Thanksgiving to celebrate Fulton J. Sheen being named Venerable.  Travis, the four kids, and I sat with my mom and waved at my grandparents across the aisle.  We were so excited for a beautiful day, a beautiful Mass, and a celebration.  

As I told a reporter, "Go God!"  (They didn't use that quote in the piece, shockingly.)

There ended up being a few glitches.  

I forgot my camera.

Teresa had an explosive diaper getting bright orange poo all over her outfit, body, carseat, and Travis' tie and dress shirt.  Trav and I spent most of the Liturgy of the Word in the bathroom cleaning up poop.  Travis spent the rest of Mass wearing his undershirt.

I then spent most of the homily nursing Teresa in a little garden area between the Cathedral and rectory, sitting on the ground hoping no one would wander upon us.

Bennet had to use the bathroom 4 times.

James, of course, was climbing all over and being noisy at the end of Mass.  (I guess it's proof that he's healthy and normal, right?)

But there were some highlights.

As I carried my screaming baby out of the church I heard some nuns whisper to me, "Don't worry.  It's okay."

Three men offered the shirts off their back so Travis wouldn't be wearing an undershirt while being photographed.  

I got to meet a bunch of people I had only formerly known via the internet.

Like Lisa Hendey!  She was sooooo wonderfu!

I was able to see some awesome new additions to the Sheen Museum.  (You should go there if you're ever in Peoria.  And tell the Sisters I sent you - they're the best!)

I got to be with my mom, and any time I get to be with my mom is good time.

Despite the behavior of our children Mass was celebrated, Jesus was present, God was worshiped.  

When we came home Travis watched the Bears game and I napped for almost 3 hours!  I guess we were both ready for a rest.

My friend Marie has some nice pictures up at her blog, Help Them to Heaven.

If you want to see a write up about it from our local CBS affiliate you can go here.  Bishop Jenky doesn't get the story exactly right but the gist is correct.  

7 quick takes

1 - Heard this one on the radio the other day and really liked it.  Is it about John Mayer?  Does anybody know?  And why would anyone ever want to date John Mayer? 

2 - I have a new post up at Ignitum Today called Building Community with Ministry.  I wrote a little list of ministries I'm familiar with that have worked really well in the parishes and areas they've been in.  If you have a ministry to add I'd love to read about it in the combox.  :)

3 - We're gearing up for a busy weekend.  Tomorrow is Bennet and James' birthday party.  It's a little nerdy how excited I am for the decorations (a real, running train track on the kitchen island!) and the cupcakes (oreos for wheels, pretzels for jovey logs!).  Tonight and tomorrow morning will be spent decorating the cupcakes, cleaning the toilets, and hanging up balloons.

3 - Sunday is the Mass of Thanksgiving for Fulton Sheen being named Venerable.  There is a whole bunch of events - a holy hour, mission rosary, the Mass, a brunch - but because we have four little kids we're only attending the Mass.  However, I'm super excited that LISA HENDEY!!!! and I will be meeting up briefly as she will be interviewing me for an article she's writing.  I'm also excited to get the chance to meet Brandon Vogt, a fellow Ignitum Today contributor, author of The Church and New Media, and an all around nice guy.

4 - Geez, I hope Brandon's not insulted that his name didn't get all caps.  BRANDON VOGT!

5 - Here's the pics of the re-arranging:

James' crib is out of the first floor nursery.

Bennet's Thomas bed and dresser.

Lydia's bed and dresser.  Princesses and pink.

Teresa's side of the room.  (Thanks for the dresser, Lisa!)

The nursery.  There's lots more floor space for playing and the changing table (on the other side of the door) is no longer the first thing you see.  By the way, you may have had that couch in 1988 as it's a hand-me-down or a hand-me-down.  It's the most awesome couch for napping ever.  Evah!

6 - Allow me to brag on myself for a moment.  Earlier this week I took down the 4th of July window clings and washed the windows.  I know, it's amazing.  You can be in awe.

7 - I should be baking or getting dressed or doing puzzles with my kids.

I am so very sorry

Maybe you've heard about Angela Faddis.  She is a young mom of two little kids.  She is happily married  to a man who loves her very much.  And she is dying of stage 4 colon cancer.  By all accounts she is heroic in her suffering.  She is embracing her cross and, though it feels awkward to say this, there seems to be massive amounts of peace and beauty surrounding Angela, her family, and her last days.

Or maybe you've heard about Marie, whose unborn baby was diagnosed with anencephaly.  She and her family are loving their baby with everything they have, making the most of his life on earth.

These women, their suffering, and their lives were brought to my attention a long time ago and while I have been praying for them privately I have been afraid to pass the prayer requests on to you.

Because sometimes I feel so guilty that while many pray for miracles I have one napping upstairs.  I tried to hide but finally came to the conclusion that my shame was stupid, I was only hurting Angela, Marie, and their loved ones, and that God chooses how His glory is made manifest - not me.

So, with my apologies to the Faddis family and Maire and her family, I ask you to pray for these women and their crosses.  But hopefully you already were.

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, hear our prayer.
Christ, graciously hear us.

Catholic Press Association Midwest Regional Convention

I'm really excited to tell you all that I'll be speaking at the upcoming Catholic Press Association Midwest Regional Convention!

The convention is September 20-21 and is hosted by my diocesan newspaper, The Catholic Post, right here in Peoria, Illinois.  I'll be tag-teaming with Msgr. Deptula, the director of the Sheen Foundation, on Friday, September 21.  Monsignor will be talking about Venerable Fulton Sheen's life and the cause of his canonization.  I'll be telling James' story and touching on the role new media played in our story.

The convention will be filled with editors, reporters, and business people from throughout the Midwest but anyone is welcome to attend.  If you want more information, please check out the Catholic Press Association's website; you can contact the CPA for daily rates or other information.

Soooooo, anyone of you gonna be there?  It'd be fun to do some networking, or you know, hanging out.

all quiet on the Engstrom front

Today we did some rearranging.

Bennet's Thomas the Train bed had been moved from his room to Lydia's.  They shared her room while Teresa slept in Bennet's room, surrounded by the boys' dressers.  The nursery, on the first floor, was the play room / James' bedroom.  The rest of the family slept upstairs and I'd often lay in bed thinking of how Travis would get James from his room if someone ever broke into the house.  Because the other kids would be hidden in a closet, protected by me with the shotgun, on the phone with 911.  Of course.

But now the boys are sharing Bennet's room and the girls are sharing Lydia's room and the nursery is just the playroom.  It's lovely.  Naptime was a little tricky for James, and bedtime wasn't as smooth as usual, but now everyone is sleeping.  Peacefully.  Soundly.  And not an intruder in sight.

I'll post pictures of the rooms later.

And that's all I have to say.

So, if you want, you can go read my little "Meet a Reader" interview that I did with the lovely Nancy at The Reading Catholic.