I don't care what you think

You can think my taste for music isn't developed.  You can think this is a silly pop song.

That is your opinion.  But let me tell you the truth!

This song makes me dance in my kitchen while I'm washing dishes, making dinner, or typing.  I sing it throughout the day and it makes me feel happy.  It has clean lyrics - ones my kids can hear.  It is well performed and well produced.  And it features Ludacris, which actually doesn't mean very much for me but I think he does a good job.

Whatever.  I've got Bieber Fever.  Laugh.  Roll your eyes.  Or listen to the song and have a little dance party.  I'd chose option 3.

;)

Behold: Coffee and Chocolate

Ladies!

Mark your calendars and call the women you love.  The next Behold Conference will be on March 10, 2012 at the Embassy Suites in East Peoria, IL.

We are super excited about all the plans - our speakers! our theme! our team members!  our new location! - and we will be revealing all the details at the Coffee and Chocolate Night!

The Coffee and Chocolate Night is a special event for all women who are interested in being a part of the growing ministry that is the Behold Conference.  I invite you to come so you can hear about all the opportunities to serve and grow in your faith by being a member of one of our planning Teams.  There will also be coffee, chocolate, and fellowship.

If you are interested in attending please visit us on Facebook or send me an email.

I hope to see you there!

Yay James!

James had his re-evaluation for physical therapy a couple weeks ago.  The assessment:

James is an 11 month old who is currently functionaing at 11 months for gross motor skills and 12.5 months for fine motor skills...  He presents with a significatn medical history which includes an abnormal MRI, as well as whole body cooling and seizures. 

Reading the first part of that is so much more amazing since it's followed by the second part!

Praise God!

Do Not Recessitate

My youngest son was a stillborn.  He did not have a pulse for 61 minutes.  A planned homebirth, the perfect labor ended with a floppy, blue baby boy.  Chest compressions and mouth to mouth were initiated and 911 was called.  Twice during transport the EMTs gave epinephran to James Fulton,baptised by his father about 3 minutes after birth.

7 quick takes

-1-   Awhile ago Trav's Aunt Julie made a couple mix cd's for me.  They were great.  (Who knew Aunt Julie had such good taste in music?  I don't know if anyone did, but now that I know about Aunt Julie's good taste I'm letting everyone know!)  Anyways, she put a couple songs by Needtobreathe on the discs and this one, The Outsiders, is one of my faves.  I hope you like it, too.

-2-  When you see/hear the words "the outsiders" do you automatically think, "Stay gold, Ponyboy," or is that just me?

-3-  The fact that Aunt Julie made the cd's for me is quite amazing since I offended her on Christmas one year.  It's a classic story of Bonnie putting her foot in her mouth.  It goes like this:

Me, wearing an argyle sweater and sitting next to hip, beautiful cousin B (Julie's daughter): "B, I'm so glad to see you wearing argyle.  I didn't know if it was still "in" or not.  I used to have a sense of style, but now that I'm older, fatter, and a mom I'm not sure what is appropriate to wear.  I don't want to look too young, but I don't want to dress like I'm 45."

Everyone laughs, my mother-in-law, grandmother-in-law, sister-in-law, Julie, cousin B - everyone.

Me:  "What's so funny?"

My dear mother-in-law:  "Today is Julie's 45th birthday!"

I'm awesome like that.

-4-  The fact that I am now inept in all things fashionable is why I am so looking forward to my Bloom consultation with the lovely Hallie Lord, aka Betty Beguiles.  I am so excited to get some great pointers from her! 

-5-  One of Lydia's favorite books right now is Love You Forever.  Today she was carrying her lamb doll, which was dressed in a mismatched pair of Lydia's pj's and wrapped in James NICU blanket, and saying to it, "I'll love you forever; I'll like you for always; As long as I'm living my baby you'll be."  It was really stinkin' cute!

-6-  I don't like reading Love You Forever because it makes me cry, sometimes so hard that L and B look at me with great concern.

-7-  Tuesday, September 20th is the anniversary of Archbishop Sheen's ordination to the priesthood.  I'm thinking of making a little pilgrimage on that day, maybe to the Cathedral in Peoria, IL where he was ordained (and where we had a holy hour and Mass when James was 2 days old, asking for Sheen's intercession) or to his birthplace of El Paso, IL.  I could also go to the Sheen Foundation Museum located at the Spalding Center in downtown Peoria.  I say all this because I'm wondering if anyone would want to come with me and the kids to do this.  Is anyone interested? 

wa-hoooo

Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that I'm dead tired right now I would be freaking out at the fact that I am now officially published.  Sure it's a blog and I published it myself, but the editors want it that way!

I am fairly certain that I misspelled something or somehow, under the influence of my daughter, wrote poopy pants in the article and I'm too tired to notice.  Plus I've read and re-read the thing like 57 times so it's become one giant blur.  And I'm tired (I already mentioned that, whaaat?) and it took me like 30 minutes to figure out how to upload an image to a website that is not Facebook or Blogger.  But I've done it.  whew.

I hope it's not lame that I wrote about a movie that's been out for awhile - the buzz is long over.  If it is just lie to me so I feel better.

Wanna check it out?  The post is called "whatever is noble." 

Virtuous Pla.net

And a happy Monday to you all!

Over the weekend I pulled some strings, made some phone calls, wired some money, made some magic happen, and now I am one of the newest contributors for the new website VirtuousPla.net!  *

I am super excited and honored to be a part of the amazing line-up of bloggers, commentators, authors, and people I've wanted to be real life friends with for years, or months, depending on when I became aware of their blog.

I hope you come on over and read all the great articles that are there!


* That's not actually what happened at all.

7 quick takes

1- Maybe you need to start your day with something awesome.  Well here ya go.

2 - I have started to exercise.  About 4 times a week I ride Trav's bike into the country, hide the bike, and then run/walk a mile.  I'm working my way up to running a mile and I'm over half way there.  A friend kindly said that I am cross training, but really I'm going into the country because I'm too embarrassed to run in front of my neighbors. 

3 - The benefits of exercise are amazing and have been instantaneous for me.  I am waaaaaay less stressed, partly because exercise is a stress reliever, but also because for 30 minutes each day no one is touching me or talking to me.  Being less stressed means I am eating less - I always binge when I'm stressed - which has helped me lose 4lbs since I started running about 10 days ago.  I also have a lot more patience now.  The kids and I are enjoying one another a lot more and I am parenting the way I want when things get messy or loud or frustrating. 

4 - One of the best parts of the this whole exercising thing is that Travis is the main instigator behind it.  He has made it as much of a priority as I have (maybe even more now that I'm cheerier!) and he happily helps with dinner and kicks me out of the house sends me on my way each evening. 

5 - My goals in all this are to be healthy, enjoy my life more, feel confident in how I look, look good for my husband.  I kinda want to look like this again:

oh yeah.  shake it.

6 - On to things that have little to do with me...  World Youth Day is going on, people!  How awesome!  My beloved Sisters of Life are in Madrid once again hosting the Love & Life Centre for English speaking pilgrims.  And my dear friend, Sr. Mariam Caritas - the Beth I mentioned here, is there as well.  The sisters are blogging and you can read their words and reflections here.

7 - In honor of World Youth Day I'd like to give a little shout out to my little group of pilgrims from WYD Cologne!  Thank you for sharing that experience with me!  You and that pilgrimage are such blessings in my life!  May the peace of Christ be with you still and may His love and strength sustain you!

Pilgrims in Rome before heading to WYD in Germany.

cooling baby

Once James' heart began beating again he was taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at the Children's Hospital of Illinois at OSF St. Francis in Peoria.  There they began what is known as hypothermia treatment or cooling treatment.  This treatment has only been done for 2-3 years in this area of the country and there are not a lot of cooling babies in my area.

I am wanting to speak with other parents of cooling babies.  Does anyone know of another cooling baby out there?  If you do, or you are a parent of a baby who was cooled and you're willing to swap stories, would you please leave a comment or email me at bonnie fandel at g mail dot com?

Thanks.

for Pete's sake

I'm so sorry I am a day late posting this!  With yesterday (the 15th) being the Feast of the Assumption I forgot to post this!  In fact, I was praying for all of you this morning when I realized I had messed up. 

As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child. 

You may share your prayer request in the comment box or by emailing me at bonnie engstrom at gmail dot com.

Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.

It is an honor to pray for you!  Thank you for the privilege!

Mother Mary

Abigail's Alcove is encouraging people to share stories of when Mary has "intervened" in our lives.  I immediately thought of the following story and wanted to share it as a way to celebrate the Feast of the Assumption.  (Happy Feast Day!)

Throughout my life I have been blessed with many good friends, but my senior year of college was when I found a true kindred spirit in my classmate Danielle.  She was funny, energetic, caring, talented, and passionately pursuing God.  I had never had such a good friend who was such a good Catholic and I enjoyed every moment with her.  We quickly became best friends and our love for one another was deep and solidly founded on Christ.

And then she became a nun.  I mourned the loss of her like she had died.  It was really, really hard. 

But through her loss and my new job at a Catholic student center I became much better friends with my former campus minister, Beth.  Beth and Danielle had always been close but now I was hurting in a way few could understand and I was in need of a mentor.  Beth opened her heart and (on several tear-filled nights) her home to me, and through phone calls, dinners, holy hours, and road trips our friendship grew into something quite extraordinary.  God had blessed me with a woman who was a perfect combination of older sister and best friend. 

And then she became a nun.  Another loss to mourn. Despite all my joy for my friends' beautiful vocations, I was incredibly sad.

The Fall of 2005 was a very lonely time for me.  No one wanted the title "Bonnie's Best Friend" out of fear they'd end up in a convent.  Also, God revealed to me that the next person I'd describe as my best friend would be the man I'd marry, which gave me long term relief but made me a little more sad in the meantime. 

Then one day I got a letter from Danielle, who had a new nun name by this time.  I went into the chapel of the Newman Center I worked at, sitting in the pew in front of the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe.  I read the letter.  In it she said that we were both wrapped in Mary's mantel.  I closed my eyes, leaned back against the pew, and imagined Mary sitting in between Danielle and I, her robe wrapped around all three of us, keeping us warm. 

It may seem silly, or sensational, or cheesy, or crazy, but I truly did sense Mary at that moment.  It felt like she was sitting right next to me.  And I felt certain that down in Nashville Danielle was sitting in her chapel, right next to Mary, wrapped in her robes.  Just on the other side of me.

I felt so close to my friend in that moment.  It was a precious gift, and it happened more than once.  I used that imagery repeatedly and it helped me feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually close to both Danielle and Beth, often at times when I was quite lonely or scared or unsure of myself.  Mother Mary gave me the gift of sitting in the presence of friends who knew me quite well but loved me nonetheless.  She gave me the gift of the joyful peace of true friendship. 

While Mary wrapped us in her mantel she was showing me her love, treating me to something special, helping me feel encouraged - exactly like a mother would! 

But it's easy to understand why she would do that:  My best friends were nuns - talk about running with the right crowd!  There was no way I was gonna get in any trouble with a couple of nuns by my side!

What about you?  Do you have a great story about Mother Mary?

7 quick takes

1 - I made caramel popcorn balls last night.  They are now gone.  I ate all but two of them.  It should probably be the last time I ever make caramel anything.  So good.

2 - Please don't ask me to remember anything right now.  My mind (and calendar) are so full it's hard for me to retain any information. 

3 - Let's look at cute pictures of my kids, shall we?

James, posing for this birthday party invite picture.

Lydia, helping make brinner.  She knows she's cute.

Bennet, in love.

James taking a break from crawling.  The red mark on his belly is all that's left of his g tube.

My boys, plus Lydia's monkey.  She walks around in a circle with it and declares they are married.

celebrating with a cook out

Tonight Travis will stack up the charcoals, lite up the grill, and cook the family some hamburgers.

Around these parts we're celebrating St. Lawrence, the patron saint of cooks and comedians.  St. Lawrence was burned to death on a grill because of his Faith.  He famously told the executioners, "Turn me over; I'm done on this side.

What could be better than a cook out in and a toast of rum and coke in his honor?!

You may think this is gross or sacrilegious.  We think it's fun.

uh-oh, oh-no preschool

There's been a lot of thinking, praying, and discussing over here.  Lydia, a precious 3 years old, is signed up for preschool at the local community nursery school.  Several of her friends are signed up as well and we've been looking forward to it all summer long. 

The perks of preschool - more time with my boys and social interaction for my daughter - have looked so good for so long.

But now the perks of keeping her home are starting to weigh heavier.  And before anyone begins to think I'm being very sentimental let me say flat out that the $70 a month fee is a huge reason we're considering homeschooled preschool.  It also greatly helps that I can teach her many of the things she'd learn at nursery school:  weather, calendars, standing in a line.  I'll just need to be more intentional about those things.  We already do counting, writing, reading, singing, cooking, and we have some good playdate groups in the area. 

Many friends on Facebook brought up some good points about preschool - there's someone else teaching your child, oldest children (like Lydia) have to learn to share and can't be bossy, there's structured time, and it allows for mom to have some more focused time with the younger kids.  All of those points are really valid, I think.

Many other friends discussed how keeping their kids at home for one or two more years was such a beautiful experience for the entire family.  They spoke from experience of children who didn't go to preschool and still flourish in kindergarten.  This was really reassuring to hear and helped our family come to the conclusion that Lydia will stay home for at least one more year.

Since making this decision I've started a list of things to spend her tuition money on, though most of it will go to bills.  Yet there is now some room in the budget for trips to the the zoo and a local children's museum.  We now have gas money to visit her great grandparents.  I will also be purchasing Catholic Icing's Catholic ABC's Preschool Curriculum Book and An Alphabet of Catholic Saints book.  I'd also like to get some more craft supplies, and a few teaching tools.

I also have hopes of using part of the the money to hire a babysitter so Travis and I can go to Adoration together twice a month.

I'm excited about this next year, but I keep telling myself to not get too worked up about it all.  I think the key is to be very, very low key about it.  Right?  I mean, we don't really even need a curriculum but I'm getting one just in case Lydia and I want a little more structure.  And because I'm pathetic with crafts and Catholic Icing is not.  Lydia loves crafts, the girl deserves some good crafts.  I'm really not even gonna think of this as homeschool because, well-known secret, I have never wanted to homeschool.  So this is just some more time for Lydia to be a little girl, having fun, hanging out, and maybe learning a few things along the way.

I am shamelessly looking for validation on this.

the perfect little onesie

Hey folks! 

LB, Why wasn't this shirt in existence for when L,B, and J were born?  Such a shame!

My dear friend Laura - affectionately known as LB around these parts - has opened an Etsy shop called TheOnesie.   They. are. adorable!  Laura has been crafting and creating for a long time - her work is quality and fun. 

If you're pregnant or you have a loved one with an upcoming shower check out her store.  And buy something, by golly!  You'll be glad you did.  :)

7 really quick takes

1- Hey!  It's the Magnetic Fields!  "True I'm in love with you but you might decide I'm a nut.  Give me a week or two to go absolutely cuckoo."

2 - Here's a little introvert appreciation article from the Atlantic.  When I take personality tests I always come out an introvert, though I am pretty close to even between extrovert and introvert.  I think that's called a "slightly expressed introvert" or something like that.  Anyways, the line I most identify with is this one:  (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors.  When I worked in Admissions and campus ministry I always felt like I had to "turn myself to on" when I went to work.  I was definitely acting the part of a cheerful, outgoing hostess and it was exhausting!

What are you?  Introvert or extrovert?  And if you tell me you're a choleric phlegmatic I'm not going to know what you're talking about and just say, "Bless you."

3 - Currently I am 1/2 dressed (as in wearing my nightgown and jeans) and ignoring the dishes that need to be done.  Whoops.

4 - If you liked #1 then may I recommend The Book of Love, I Think I Need a New Heart, and Abigail, Belle of Kilronan also by The Magnetic Fields. 

5- The kids were potty training a teddy bear this morning and he accidentally fell in the toilet.  Clean water, a toilet that was scrubbed really well on Tuesday.  Do I throw the bear away?  Try to wash it?  Let it dry and call it good enough?  What would you do?

6 - Tomorrow is a party for my two brothers.  Recently they have both been promoted at work.   The talents and knowledge they bring to their work are really impressive and I'm glad they have both been recognized.  I'm very proud of my brothers - they are excellent men.

7 - My most stunning recent accomplishment is that I did not over eat at lunch yesterday.  Yay for me!

quality of life

We have been very blessed to stay in contact with several of the doctors and nurses who cared for James the night he was born and throughout his NICU stay.  Yesterday I had the privilege of speaking with one of the nurses who worked on James the night he was born.  She shared her experience of the night with me and her words were quite powerful and left me stammering, looking for words. 

She said that once James was alive again there was a feeling of "what have you done?" because of how badly disabled James would be.  But then she told me, and I'm paraphrasing a little bit, "Quality of life is not to be decided by doctors and nurses.  Quality of life is determined by the person with the problems, the people who love him, and God."

I wrote a post about having a son with disabilities when James was a month old and still in the hospital.  I was terrified of what our new normal would look like.  I was terrified and angry, and I was still holding out hope that God wasn't done healing my son, eradicating all his special needs.   I knew that as a Catholic Christian I should know and believe that quality of life is determined by the person with the problems, his loved ones, and God, but I was pretty sure it would be determined by kids at school, strangers at the store, and my own fears and insecurities.

This issue is something that I had to face for a long moment and then James continued to improve and the issue wasn't forced any longer.  It still resurfaces, though.  Take, for instance, a recent viewing of The Village.  I was watching it with a group of people and when the mentally disabled Noah died and his mother sobbed I sat in the back of the room crying, too.  Not because I was invested in the characters but because they forced the issue again. 

The fear, the burden, the unknown, the guilt, the loneliness, the relief, the sorrow, and the grief - they still sit in the back of me.  Not dealt with.  Hidden most of the time.  I know that's not healthy but I am not ready to go through it all again.  Not yet.  Maybe they will just go away.

I am glad for Absolute Truth.  God is good even though our circumstances are not.  A person's dignity does not depend upon what he can or cannot do.  Quality of life is decided by God, loved ones, and the person who suffers.  These things do not change based on how I feel or what I believe and so my only options are to ignore them or embrace them.

Related posts: 
the music that got me through
this thing that I fear
special needs