To Tatjana

Tatjana,

I'm sorry this is so public, but I only have your mother's home phone number and no other means of getting in touch with you. But since you read this blog I thought I'd try communicating with you this way. *shrug*

First and foremost I want you to know that I really, really appreciate your phone call to me shortly after I gave birth to L. I was in such a daze and so caught off guard that I barely remember anything from that conversation. But the fact that you called means the world to me. Oh how I love hearing your wonderful German accent!

Second, I think you should know that I think of you and how you made fun of American chocolate and then asked me to bring you Reece's Peanut Butter Cups every time I eat one.

Third, will you please email me your mailing address and current phone number? You can find my email on my profile.

Fourth, if you are ever back in the USA I wish you would stop in the Midwest. We could have that Thanksgiving dinner we missed out on.

Finally, please tell your family hello.

Love,
Bonnie

My smiley, happy baby

It is amazing the change that has happened around our house in the last week or two. L is smiling and laughing all the time. Her day time fussiness has been greatly reduced and overall she is just a much, much happier baby.

What has changed, you may wonder. Well, I've been playing with her more, getting down on the floor and acting silly, reading to her, building things and making funny noises and faces. I'm able to do this more because I'm not dead tired, just sitting on the couch waiting for nap times and Travis coming home from work.

And why am I not so tired, you may ask. Well, I'm sleeping more at night - for longer stretches - and not necessarily because L is sleeping for longer stretches but because we are letting her cry at night.

Yes, we have returned to the cry it out method, which we tried when she was 5 months old and hated. But it finally came to a point where we decided that I could feel like a jerk for making her cry for awhile or I could be a jerk brought on by major sleep deprivation and an even bigger case of burnout.

I might misunderstand attachment parenting, but their approach of don't let them cry - get them - soothe them - hold them was not working for me. Attachment parenting believes in peaceful parenting, but I decided that me shouting in my daughter's face to "shut up" and putting her on the floor, walking away while pounding the walls and screaming was far from peaceful. I was not the mother I wanted to be and I was tired of my demanding daughter.

After talking with Travis, I decided that I could no longer feel guilty because of comments made by a. p.ing parents. We decided that we would put L down for the night when she was asleep, either nursed down by me or rocked to sleep by Travis. Then, if I knew she had nursed well, we agreed that we wouldn't get her until at least 5 hours had past. We knew that in 5 hours she would not be hungry, wet, cold, or anything else except wanting her mom who had nothing left to give.

Of course we're open to adjust the 5 hour rule, but usually we don't have to. And the best thing that has come out of all this is that if L cries for more than 5-10 minutes we know it's because she really needs us. Otherwise, she'll fuss for a little bit and then go back to sleep.

There is a group on the internet called What the FOCA and today is their call to action. I appreciate what they're doing and their play on WTF, but if you would like to read the bill text and see what the experts believe will be the effects of the Freedom of Choice Act, please go here: http://www.focafacts.com/FOCAfacts/
(it's a less emotional site and has more info)

Glade

Does anyone else watch these commercials and wonder why this woman has any friends? Seriously, if you can repeatedly lie about what makes your house smell good you can probably lie about anything.

my great weekend

Friday night I went to the birthday party of a college friend. Trav stayed home to take care of getting L to Grandma & Grandpa's for the weekend and to hang out with friends.

Going to this party made me feel great. I stayed until past 1am. There was a good mix of people I knew and fresh faces. My favorite part of the night was towards the end, when we stragglers talked about Jack Handy and his Deep Thoughts. There was a some twins there, one with his girlfriend and the three of them made me laugh for hours. I left feeling young and vibrant - two things I haven't felt in at least 8 months.

Saturday Travis and I sat around like newlyweds until it was time to use an old movie pass and go see Gran Torino. Great movie. On the way in I commented to Travis that I didn't miss L. On the way out I asked him if he wanted to go to my parents' house.

Let me tell you, it is amazing how cute she is and how great it makes me feel when, upon seeing me, she beamed, squealed and began flapping her arms in excitement. After a wonderful dinner of beef stew and croissant rolls Trav and I left L at my Mom's to go home. We watched The Straight Story (super duper good, wholesome movie. The actor who plays Matthew in Anne of Green Gables is the lead.). I slept for 10 hours that night. It was awesome.

Right now I'm baking cookies and watching my daughter eat a carrot. It has been a terrific 3 days.

I really don't want to pay my taxes any more

It drives me crazy that Obama reversed the ban on federally funding abortions in other countries. Damn him. He did it rather quietly, probably because he knew it would piss a hell of a lot of people off.

What this means is that my husband and I, who are totally against abortion, will now be paying for people to get abortions in other countries. I cannot tell you how much this pisses me off. It's not right. If all the pro-choice people want to set up a little fund and pay for those abortions they can. But when you include federal money - which means MY money - I firmly believe it's just not right.

I want Obama to do well, and I've been rather hopeful about his presidency. But if he keeps this kind of shit up I'm gonna end up hating him. I really hope FOCA is not around the bend.

Baby Nightmares

Could it be possible my daughter is having nightmares or even night terrors? We don't think she's currently teething nor does she have any kind of sickness. But, she'll often wake up several times throughout the night crying. Sometimes screaming. And she sounds scared.

My mom was told by a friend that her (friend's) grandson would do the same thing and when he had a large enough vocabulary he would tell his comforting mother, "I scary."

What do you think?

please be warned, this is all about my vanity

Here are two pictures. The one was taken on a return visit to San Francisco the summer after I graduated from college. (Hi Suitey, if you're reading!) The second one was taken a week before I got married during a bachelorette weekend. (Yay for Hedda and Em!)

What these two pictures have in common is that when they were taken I thought I was fat, but now that I am actually fat I see that I was really a hottie.

Even with the huge zit on my cheek in the SF pic. And my lack of a waist in the second picture. Still, smokin'.

I'm writing this because, as I've already mentioned, I'm fat. I gained 50lbs with the pregnancy, lost 30 in the 2 months after L's birth and then slowly gained 10 back over the next 6 months. I felt a little better about myself when I learned over Christmas break that tired people can't lose weight. When you are seriously sleep deprived (which I have been for 4 months now) your body doesn't lose and in fact, to make up for your lack of energy, tells itself it's hungry. So I've been eating frequently, because I honestly did feel hungry, but it was really just my exhaustion.

But let me tell you something, even with a good reason like that, and knowledge that you were working out on a regular basis and eating somewhat sensibly, it's still depressing being fat. And having a closet full of clothing that doesn't look good on you any more because it's 2 sizes too small. And having a very limited amount of clothing that is not size 10 or M like it used to be.

Oh to be a size 10 again!!!!

My open letter to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

First, may I call you St. Nicholas? I'm much more comfortable with that name.

So St. Nicholas, now that the holidays are over I'm writing to tell you that I'm very concerned. I mean, what happened? For hundreds of years you were this beloved saint, a bishop who loved children and saved three sisters from a life of prostitution. You supposedly punched out a heretic at the Council of Nicea and then proclaimed the Truth. You were cool before cool was a word.

But now you're seen as just being a fat guy in some silly red suit. Sure, people think of you as jolly and an all around good guy, but you've been stripped of all your coolness and left as little more than a large elf who gives overindulged kids whatever they want for Christmas.

I've been thinking about it all and I guess it all began to shift with Clement Clarke Moore's 1822 poem Twas the Night Before Christmas. It's a sweet poem; I'm sure you remember how I had it memorized as a small child. Yet, it removes all of history and Christianity, pretty much changing the very essence of who you are.

Then Coca-Cola got hold of you and there was nothing left of the man you once were.

So I want you to know, St. Nicholas, that things are going to be different in my home. Of course my kids will "believe" in you! You're a real person! A saint in Heaven! But, with all due respect, I don't want you coming to my house on Christmas Eve. And I don't want you giving my kids an overabundance of presents. I would quite prefer if you came the night before December 6th and filled their stockings. That way, on your feast day (the 6th) we can talk about you and celebrate your life as a holy man who lived for Christ. Christmas morning my husband and I will give our children a few presents, and we'll even give them another gift come Epiphany, as we discuss how Christ is the True Gift of Christmas, and how the Wise Men gave what they had to Christ to honor Him. Maybe the Epiphany presents will consist of sacramentals? I do need to think about that one some more. Any ideas?

Also, I don't think we'll be making any more trips to see you at shopping centers. Instead, I would like to invite you, Bishop of Myra, to come to our house for a St. Nick party. I'll invite all the kids I know and when you come, dressed with your miter and crosier instead of a hat with a pompom, you can ask the kiddos what they're doing to prepare for the birth of Christ, instead of asking them what they want for Christmas. My hope is that this will help my family keep Advent, as we prepare ourselves for the Incarnation, and also shift the focus of Christmas away from you and back to the Infant Jesus.

I think this is a win-win situation. My kids will (hopefully) learn more about you as a saint, will see Christmas being less about presents and more about Christ, and will grow up rooted in the traditions of their beautiful faith. And you will regain some dignity in the way you're represented and I'm quite confident you'll rejoice in the way the glorious feast of Christmas is refocused on our Lord and Savior.

If you have any ideas or suggestions I am definitely open to hearing from you.

I am, most respectfully, yours sincerely.
Bonnie E.

P.S. Please pray for me and my family and give Peter a big hug.

quick confession

Lately I have been:
exhausted
angry
resentful
melancholic
bored
unmotivated

My questioning if I was cut out for the vocation God had given me was reaching a peak and I decided that it was time to go to confession. I had been trying to go for 3 months (pathetic, I know) but I always forgot. But things were bad and I knew that there was a lot I needed to be forgiven and I was in major need of some major graces.

My goals for confession: to be forgiven of my sins and to not do the ugly cry in the confessional. Both were achieved.

I actually don't hate confession like a lot of Catholics might tell you. I love getting it all out, purging all the ugliness, making right my relationship with God and coming out of the box having heard the words "God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

I have to tell you, since that day I have lost my temper and struggled with L, but there has been a blanket of peace and joy about me. I have less frustrations and those I do have are easier to deal with. The only thing, it seems, confession cannot fix is my lack of sleep. :)

Catholics - if you haven't gone to Confession for a while go! You'll feel so much better!

Hey there - sorry about that

I'm sorry I don't post very often any more. I'm sooooo tired and L is soooooo clingy that it's hard to type most of the time. And, now that I have more projects to work on for Fr. H I spend most computer time earning a paycheck.

Thanks for understanding - now here's a few posts I've been wanting to write for some time.

Yay for my cousin!

My cousin, Ben, and his wife, Tonya, just had their second baby boy, Noah. Ton was hoping for a VBAC but ended up with another c-section. Despite the fact that she was a little disappointed, she had a great experience with her doctor and the surgery (although the dumb nurses kept wanting to give Noah a bottle instead of listening to Ben and Ton the first time and waiting for Ton to be able to nurse. That's annoying!)

Little Noah was born on our anniversary and was almost as big as L, which means pretty dang big! :)

You can read the birth story here.

Congrats again, Ben & Ton! Love you both!

Thank You & the IncrediBaby

First, thanks for the friends who have offered words of encouragement throughout all the difficulties. But Veronica, when would I have time to write a book? And what would I call it, The Complaining Thoughts and Ramblings of a New Mom? I'm not sure people would buy this book. Usually books about motherhood offer some kind of hope and wisdom and they are written by women who appear to be a lot holier than I am. :) Thank you, though, V. Maybe, just maybe, I will.



Also, IncrediBaby update:
L has 3 new teeth that have broken through (the left canine and two front teeth) with the right canine about to come through as well. We are hopeful this will mean some more sleep at night.

Although it might not since IncrediBaby is also a lot closer to walking than I really want her to be. People, she's cruising! She's becoming better and faster at moving down the sofa, walking around the ottoman, and moving from one piece of furniture to the next.

Also, Travis swears she did her first sign - milk - when I wasn't home and he had just given her the last of the pumped supply. I think it might have been coincidence.

I don't know about this

My daughter is 8 months old today. She has gone from a little "potato" who spent most of her time fussing &/or crying to a kiddo who crawls, pulls herself up, has two teeth and is cutting four more, laughs, blows raspberries, babbles loudly, talks with her hands, and likes cell phones, green apples and watching Travis and I brush our teeth.


It's been amazing, fun and incredibly difficult.


Last night I was listening to Lauryn Hills' To Zion, a song she wrote to her son.
"How beautiful if nothing more
Than to wait at Zion's door
I've never been in love like this before...
And I'm reminded every time I see your face
That the joy of my world is in Zion"

I always thought those words would sum up how I would feel about being a mom. But it's not. When L's asleep I'm not gonna hang out at her door. I'm gonna sit down, or take a shower, or clean up the kitchen, or read a blog. And while it is true that I've never loved someone the way I love L, I have also never been so frustrated with another person in my life. My daughter's face can most definitely melt my heart, lift my spirits, make me laugh and make my heart ache with love. But she can also leave me feeling ragged, exhausted, empty, grumpy and far from joyful.

I don't know if Lauryn was setting me up for a hard fall or if my experience of motherhood is being shaded by several different circumstances, but right now I feel like I've spent the last 8 months being dragged behind a wagon.

Motherhood is hard. Pray for me and my family.