O-bla-di, O-bla-da

This past weekend brought a slew of stuff to do. It really wasn't much of a weekend, really. But here's a bit of a recap:

Friday night Trav and I saw At World's End, the latest Pirate movie. We both really liked it, but not as much as all the girls who cat-called and cheered when Johnny Depp first appeared onscreen. (Okay, I think he's pretty dreamy, too.) I love this movie because I do consider myself a bit more of an expert on pirates than your average Illinoisan, having worked at a pirate supply store myself. I've read about them, studied their flags and fought scurvy. When the fist Pirate movie came out I was working at 826, selling peg legs and award winning glass eyes. We were given special tickets to attend a sneak preview two weeks before the rest of America got to see it.


Having been approved to do all the renovating himself, Travis now has to make a bid - give the bank a detailed list of everything we'll need to buy to make the house livable and lovely. We have therefore been spending much time at Lowes, picking out cabinets and tubs. We made up the plans for the house at Barnes and Noble over the weekend. Or, Travis did them while I drank iced chai and read magazines.


Sunday we went to the graduation party of the neighbor girl I babysat for 3 years. I was with here all year round while she was in 3rd - 6th grade. The cute, generous, shy, slightly tom-boyish girl has grown into a woman. A perfectly pretty, tanned, highlighted, fake nailed, cute clothes, bleached teeth, Plastic (except I don't' think she's mean - I think she's still a sweetheart). Seriously, if I didn't know and love her, and she me, I would be totally intimidated by her and all her friends.


The stupid humidity has made my hair frizz and my acne burst out. I look stunning.


On Memorial Day Trav and I went to Galva. He helped put up new gutters and I took his sister, M, shopping. When we were leaving the mall this little boy, being pushed in a stroller by his parents looked at us and called out, "Hey girlfriends!" His parents were slightly mortified but we all laughed. It was really funny.


Back at his parents', I was sitting in the kitchen with M, my mother-in-law, D, and my brother in law's girlfriend, A. M told them that I was going to use cloth diapers when I have kids. A, who has a baby, thought I was nuts - well, they all thought I was nuts. D had to explain how one even uses cloth diapers to M and A. I had to explain that things are a lot different now with cloth diapers. Plus, we'll spend $200 once and we may never have to buy more diapers ever again! And, we won't be filling up landfills with poopy diapers. For poor people who want a lot of kids and are really trying to live more simply - cloth diapers seem perfect.


Tuesday night my cousin LL came over. I love LL - she's fun and incredibly kind. I asked her if she would help me go through my closet. Because she's so sweet, instead of saying things like, "get rid of it!" she would say, "Ya know, I don't think I've seen that color/style for awhile."


And finally, the Chevelle sold. A week from Saturday a man from Ohio is coming to pick it up. So sad. But now we have a down payment!

Resources & a lack thereof

There are no women in my immediate life who have experienced a miscarriage. Most everyone knows someone else, but no one has come to me and said, "yes, it happened to me x number of years ago - I know how you feel." While I have Travis, it's not the same as another woman and I have felt alone in much of this, especially in the lack of validation from someone who knows what I'm feeling.

If there is a lesson to be learned in this, I believe it's that something needs to be done to help the mothers, fathers, families and friends who suffer a miscarriage. As it is, it's just not good enough.

Here are a few links which have proved helpful to me in this last month:

A person's a person, no matter how small - this might be cheesy to you, but I've always loved this and it felt safe.
Share - this contains a link to the Angel of Hope, which has a special connection with my family
One woman's story
Radical Catholic Mom - I actually found this blog while trying to find resources online. She was further along in her pregnancy, but we miscarried about the same time - early May. Her posts were comforting - she too is exhausted, grieving, faithful and living everyday life.


But in the end, no pamphlet or website is quite good enough. Maybe it's not realistic, but I envision a network of women in an area who have miscarried. Then my doctor could have added, "Here, take this. I encourage you to call this number or email this address. It will put you in touch with women who know how you feel." Or maybe a way of doing things at our churches so that when I miscarried I would have known who to reach out to.
I have an intense desire for a Mass with family and friends. Maybe that will help me feel like something was done.
I don't know. What do you think?

The sad month of May

So here it is; I'm really hoping this will be therapeutic.

In late April Travis and I thought we might be pregnant. After Mass one Sunday we went to the drug store and bought an ept. This felt funny to me. I kept thinking, "People are going to know that we did it!" I was embarrassed and tried my best to hide it, especially from the people who had also just come from Mass. But I was so excited and wanted a baby.
In the end, there was just one line. Not pregnant. But Travis didn't care. "It's just too early. You're pregnant and we're going to have a boy."

To make a long story short, I was pregnant. On May 7th I took the test again and it was positive. On the 9th the doctor's office called to confirm it and we went to our parents' homes to tell our families. On the 10th there was bleeding and cramping. The 11th I went to the doctor who said things were "worrisome." And on the 12th we found out I had miscarried.

Here's the thing. When we went to Scotland I asked a woman if we should go to the Battlefield at Bannockburn (where the Scots, led by Robert the Bruce, defeated the English). She said yes, but that it wasn't just a field any more. Homes were built up all around it. "It was major, but life goes on, ya know." So that was the approach I tried to take. We told a small group of friends, many of whom didn't even know we were pregnant. We felt overwhelmed with grief - I certainly didn't want to be overwhelmed with phone calls. So I grieved on my own or with Travis. Life goes on. But that was stupid. In fact, I think that this grieving thing would be easier if more people knew.

We had a son. He has a name. He would have been born in January. With God, Travis and I created a new, unique, little soul. I felt him in me, or at least felt the effects of him in me. He deserves to be loved and acknowledged, even if his life was only 2-3 weeks in my womb.

We call ourselves pro-life, but we focus mostly on abortions. Well, what about people like me and Travis? Where are the links for grief counseling on the Diocesan website for us? Why isn't there a section in NFP literature that explains what my body will be doing after a miscarriage? Why didn't someone tell me, as soon as they found out I was bleeding that I could save the blood and anything else.
What the hell does the doctor think he's saying when he tells a Catholic, NFPing woman to "Chin up. Think positive," when her first child has died. He has pamphlets on breastfeeding, epidurals and the pill but nothing to offer a woman who has lost her child. I know miscarriages are common - he deals with women like me every week - he should have something more than "Don't worry. You're healthy. It's not your fault. You'll be okay to have more."

I know it's not my fault, but you telling me that there was a fatal defect in the chromosomes in my son so that my body rejected him does not make me feel better. I don't care what the science is - a baby is supposed to be safe in his mother's womb. I can know it's not my fault and still feel like crap about it.

And of course we will have more, but that doesn't make up for the one we lost. Our first.

I am angry and sorrowful. But what I am most upset about is the lack of a dignified burial. I was told God does not expect us to do the impossible, but I wish I would have done something. The feelings of guilt, however, are nothing compared to the helplessness.
There's a feeling of emptiness, too. Empty womb, empty arms.

And it can be hard to be around babies. But at least I can look at an image of the Infant Christ now. I couldn't do that for weeks.

Here is the tricky part: Life does go on. We make dinner and see friends and watch movies and pick out kitchen cabinets. But I want you to know that I do want you to acknowledge him. And tell me the good things that are happening in your life. And give me a call and catch up. Just please, instead of telling me that it's not my fault, or that it'll be okay, or just that you're sorry, will you please say, even if you can't understand, "You're right, Bonnie. That sucks."

Travis and I are parents. We have one son, Peter Mark, and no matter whose singing voice he inherited, I'm sure he sounds just beautiful praising before the throne.

Beauty Queens aren't good at Math

At my job I look at GPA's, ACT's and applications all day long and make judgements about them.
So I've been pretty curious for awhile to see what I looked like on paper when I was applying to school. Just how did I rank?
Of course one of the perks of working for my alma mater is that I have access to my old file. (It's also a perk of working on a small campus where you know everyone and went to school with the registrar.)

One thing I noticed right away was that they projected my freshman GPA to be a 2.67. I feel slightly insulted since my high school GPA, ACT composite and class rank were fairly good. But I guess maybe that 19 in the math section of the ACT wasn't very promising.

The other thing I noticed was what I wrote on the application in the activities section. I actually put down that I'd come in 1st Runner Up in a beauty pageant. Who puts that on a college app?!
Wowzers.

Mom and Dad

Last night we stopped by my parents house. Two funny things happened:

1 - My mom finished the dishes as I had a glass of milk. I went to put the glass in the dishwasher but they were clean. So I set it in the sink and then looked at my mother.
"You want me to wash this?"
A stare in return.
"You do. I will. If I leave it you'll be upset and say, 'I can never have anything nice because of you kids.' - - - Which if you think about it, that's a horrible thing for a mother to say to her children."
We both laughed, because she has said this more than once. I don't remember her saying it, though, until middle school. I think that's when we started having enough money to have nice things.

2 - Travis and I walked around the yard to see the work my parents had done. They sat on the patio and watched us. Then I noticed that they had gotten rid of the sasafras stumps.
But first I should explain:
When I was a little girl we had three sasafras trees that grew up together in our backyard, right at the edge, next to the field. In the middle of the three was a little platform and next to it was a hole. I was confident that this was used by the fairies and gnomes as their well.
When my parents decided to chop down the trees a few years ago I begged them to keep the stumps so my little girls could pretend the same things. It was at that time my brothers told me they were the ones filling the well up, as they used the hole for target practice in peeing contests.
When I cried out that the stumps were no more my dad yelled back across the yard, "That's right! The pee trees are gone! No more fairy water!"

If I Could ______, I Would ______ Like _______

That title might not make sense. But I have thoughts like that all day long.
If I could sing, I would sing like Lauren Hill. No, if I could rap, I would rap like Lauren Hill. Heck, she can do them both and I'd be able to, too.
But then the next day I'll hear Over The Rhine and think I'd like to sing like Karen.

But right now, I keep thinking, "Man, if I could write - even think - like C.S. Lewis, how great..."
In the midst of reading Mere Christianity I have also been picking up A Grief Observed and I am just blown away again and again by what he writes. He's really clever and really good at politely insulting people or sweetly putting something down.
"If people cannot understand grown-up books they certainly shouldn't talk about them."

Of course, his approach to faith and the beautiful way he understands and explains it are noteworthy as well. And more important, I'm sure. But the digs, man, the digs are so good...

Travis and Homer

Bad days are a good excuse to indulge in a movie.

And this picture is proof that it's smart to carry your camera with you at all times.

Notice the t-shirt Trav's wearing. His chemistry class made it for him. There's a list of his expressions on the back and the front says, "Newsflash - I'm a jerk."

It's one way to handle whining teenagers.

Jo the Movie Star

You may remember my very good friend Jolene, she did the first reading at our wedding Mass.
A bit ago she moved from CoMo out to Hollywood (or the surrounding area, but it sounds so much more impressive to say Hollywood so that's what I'm sticking with) to see if she could make it as an actress.
She loves her job as a receptionist at a salon.
But - she did get a small stand-in job on an Adam Sandler / Kevin James movie. It's about two men pretending to be gay for insurance benefit reasons, so I can't make any claims on how the USCCB will rate it. But my friend is in a movie and I'm so excited for her!
If you want to check it out go for it: I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry is it's name.

Good-bye old friend

Things are getting kind of exciting: there's two bids on the Chevelle right now and 19 people watching.

But, it's also pretty sad. Travis has had the Chevelle for years. His dad bought it for him, they fixed it up together and that sucker has been his pride and joy ever since.

I love the car, too. I associate it with all kinds of good memories. Our first dates were driving it out to Lake Argyle to go fishing. He'd load it full of Newman friends and we'd all go for a drive around the lake on a perfect, clear, cool night. Or we'd head up to the DQ on a hot night. Even before we began dating - when we were just friends - and I was smooshed in the back because I hadn't yet earned the privilege of the front seat all the time - even then it was so much fun. Rach, Kim, Margaret and I singing "I'll Tell Me Ma" very loudly and very badly as we all laughed.

And it's absolutely GREAT to see the way people react as we drive by.
People have asked us about it at stoplights.
Children have run across their yards to wave, give us a thumbs up or shout, "Nice car!"
And the men just stare. High school boys, 30 year olds, 50 year olds... Guys on bikes, in mini vans or trucks, drinking beer on their front porch, mowing their yard, plowing their field, getting their mail. They stop. They look; they then whip their heads around the other way to continue watching. They wave. They do the guy nod. Sometimes they smile. Sometimes they mouth, "Niiiice."
I have never seen a woman checked out the way this car is, not even in the movies. It's hilarious.
And the grin on Travis' face is adorable. The only thing cuter is when he whistles along to a song.

And that's probably the saddest part about selling the Chevelle. Travis loves this car and it really is a sacrifice for him. It's quite humbling being his wife and knowing that he's doing it for me and our children. I try to tell him often how grateful I am for what he's doing but it feels inadequate. Thank the Lord He gave me such a generous man.

The Chevelle is officially for sale. You can buy it yourself. Come on, help us and help yourself. We can make a down payment and you can cruise to the DQ.
Check it out here.

The Soundtrack of Our Lives

A day or two ago I was having a bad day and so like most normal people I alphabatized my CD collection. This task proved to be slightly embarassing but fun as I had to look at all the music I've ever bought.


CD's that meant I was cool in 6th - 9th grades:
N*SYNC
No Doubt - Tragic Kingdom
The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's
Empire Records soundtrack
Newsies soundtrack


CD's that meant I was cool in 10th - 12th grades:
Rusted Root - When I Woke
The Adventures of the O.C. Supertones
The Miseducation of Lauren Hill (This one is still great.)
Dashboard Confessional - when it was just Chris and his guitar and no radio play


CD's that meant I was cool in college:
Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
Saves the Day - Stay What You Are
Ben Folds - Rockin the Suburbs
Modest Mouse - Good News...
The Killers - Hot Fuss
Elliot Smith - Figure 8

CD's I still love, I don't care what you say. Though I like to believe they reflect a refined, yet pop-loving appreciation for timeless music and artists - no matter the scandals or fads. They're just really stinkin' good.
Van Morrison and the Chieftans - Irish Heartbeat
Nickle Creek - This Side
Cake - Comfort Eagle
The Legend of Johnny Cash
Regina Spektor - Begin to Hope
Joni Mitchell - Blue

All Signs Point to Go

There is a dump of a house in Goodfield that Travis and I hope to buy. It's perfect.

But to buy the house we need a loan and and extra money in that loan to fix it up.
And to get the extra money in the loan we need a down payment.
And to make a down payment we need to sell the Chevelle.
I know. It's sad. No more drives to the DQ on perfect nights. Travis suggested it; he wants to do it.

Sometimes we don't know if what we're doing is what we should be doing - the Best that God has planned for us. But yesterday a man stopped by the house - just randomly - and asked if we were selling the Chevelle. No sign on it or anything - he just was wondering. I don't know about Travis, but this was a good confirmation for me that we're doing the right thing and that we'll be taken care of.
Especially when you add to it that fact that just the day before we had stopped by the house and spoke with the owner. He told us he had taken it off the market so no one else would look at it. He then asked what bank we were working with and when we thought everything would go through.
Like a lot of grown up steps you take in life - this is extremely exciting and terrifying!

Aince awa, aye awa

Right now I wish I were back in Scotland.

Our honeymoon was so great: Edinburgh, Jedburgh, Melrose, Drybugh, Stirling, Doune, Inverness, Loch Ness, Glen Nevis, Glencoe, Loch Lomand, Glasgow and a quick trip to England.

All on the left side of the road.

With the Gaelic radio station playing The Bangles.

Making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with fancy souvenir spoons.

Abbeys and castles and mountains and glens to climb through like little kids without a care in the world.

It was beautiful and relaxing, and everywhere we went we got this:

Where are you from?

Near Chicago? Well, what brings you here?

Honeymoon! Congratulations!

May I ask, why Scotland?

(At this point I would look down, cover my eyes and confess that a large reason we picked Scotland is because Braveheart is my favorite movie.)

Oh - that's alright. Brilliant movie but the history's completely wrong!

Well, thank you for coming. Enjoy your time!

Now I have been to England, Ireland, Germany, Poland, Italy and Canada, along with time in New York City, Seattle, San Francisco and Denver. No one has ever thanked me for visiting their city or country before. Truly Scotland is filled with wonderful things: the food (yes, even the haggis and blood pudding), countryside, history, places to visit, road signs (our favorite was the one with 2 elderly people on it crossing the street). But their greatest asset is the people. The Scottish people are just amazing.

Right now I would give anything to be back over there, just me and Travis, walking up some mountain or hunting for another ruin as I quote dialogue and he laughs at what a dork I am.

William Wallace killed fifty men. Fifty, as if they were one...

a hundred men...

and he cut through them...

like Moses and the Red Sea...

*The title of this blog is written in Scots and translates to, "Once away, always away." It means more that after you travel for the first time you'll be ready for more adventures.

We Need Hangers

Things I Didn't Know to Expect:
- How much I would miss my maiden name. I've mourned the loss of that name with every "F" I've written.
- That the laundry would multiply. I used to do one load once a week. Now we can do five loads once a week for just two people!
- How often I would vacuum and clean the kitchen. Crumbs on the floor and crumbs on the counters! I told Travis we were at war with crumbs, and that while we'd lost a few battles we could easily turn things around and be triumphant. But I don't think he believes me.
- That I would gain 7 lbs. I need to live with women who watch what they eat again.
- That Travis would always have about 8 clean shirts that would need to be hung up. But because we don't have enough hangers, and because he's super picky about the kind of hangers he'll use and how much he'll spend on them, those 8 shirts will just sit in a pile until he dirties 8 other shirts and then has enough hangers.
- That I would want to pull weeds and buy hanging plants.
- That the way I brush my teeth could actually weird someone out. (I'm "sloppy" with foamy toothpaste all around my mouth.)
- That I could enjoy someone's personality as much as I do Travis'.
- That the way you imagine things will feel (buying a home, paying off a loan) is only a shadow of how it really is.

Babies and More Babies

But please note that none of them are mine.

However, I am thrilled to announce that Hector and Lore Ramierez are pregnant and will be welcoming their little one into the world in January, probably. He's trying to convince Trav and I to get going because he "would like a gringa daughter-in-law."

Also, Sarah and Justin Hughes just welcomed into the world Landon Louis! He's five weeks early but healthy and cute as all get out.

Congrats to Hector & Lore and Sarah and Justin. And welcome, Landon; I look forward to you playing with my kids at cookouts (or while we eat your grandma's Italian Beef).

Learning what my husband thinks

On Sunday Travis and I were driving home from his folks'. We discussed having babies, buying a house, paying off our college loans and the morel mushrooms we were going to eat when we got home.
There was a pause in the conversation, right after the part about babies. I was caught up in imagining myself pregnant:
Morning sickness and gaining weight; Would we do a home birth? Will it be a girl or boy?
Then of course there's the breastfeeding, the cloth diapers I want to sew myself and all the nasty poop. Will the house ever be as clean again? Will I miss work and being around grown-ups?

And so I turned from the window and asked Travis, "What are you thinking about?"

"Aerodynamics of cars."